Sunday, 13 November 2016

Jazzer advises, Rob needs friends and Freddie tries to fit in: a lively week in Ambridge

Toby plans to make a killing

Farmers concerned about the prospect of a ban on the pesticide glysophate will have nothing to worry about if an Ambridge entrepreneur has his way.
Toby Fairbrother says he has the answer in the form of a new compound he’s discovered that kills all plant life with just one application.
‘To be honest, I started out trying to make gin,’ said Mr Fairbrother, who is developing new business ideas from Rickyard Cottage at Brookfield. ‘But when my girlfriend poured the ‘wash’ into her yucca and it wilted within five seconds, we knew we were onto something. It’s all-natural ingredients, and much easier than gin as no need to faff about with an alcohol licence. We’re planning to call it Toby’s Totally Toxic. Genius!’
Local farmer Brian Aldridge said he was ‘open minded’ about trialling a new pesticide. ‘I’ve drunk enough sauvignon blanc that tasted like weedkiller in my time, so nothing would surprise me,’ he said. ‘And frankly, what my stepson Adam Macy is doing to the crops with his new-fangled ‘no-till’ method of managing the soil is embarrassing. There’s only so much you can blame on slugs.’

Recipe of the Week

Susan Carter of Ambridge View writes: ‘With the party season approaching, I thought readers might like to try this easy diet plan I’ve devised for my husband Neil. We’re having a family photo taken and as we all know, the camera puts on pounds!
‘I’m pleased to say he soon got used to ‘clean eating’, and now he’s over the nausea and dizzy spells he feels like a new man. And so do I! No more ‘chubby hubby’ for me! Mind you, his breath is terrible.’

• Breakfast
A slice of lemon in hot water and a brisk jog round the pig unit

• Snack
Carrot batons

• Lunch
Baby leaf salad open sandwich (one small slice of bread)
Half an orange

• Snack
Celery sticks

• Dinner
Large bowl lentil soup
2 crispbreads (no spread)

Thank you Susan! Next week, Eddie Grundy on ‘How I make sure I get my 5 a day: pasty, pork pie, sausage roll, packet of crisps and pint of cider.’

NEW SERIES: Love lines, with our dating guru

He’s a pig man, a milkman and a legendary ladies’ man! Now Jazzer McCreary shares his top 10 dating tips:

1 when you’re meeting a new lassie, get there first and check out the fire exit. Then you can make a quick getaway if she looks like the back end of a tram.
2 Act mysterious. Don’t talk too much.
3 But look as if you’re listening, even if you’re bored witless, which you will be. Lassies like that.
4 Talk about football if she can get you free tickets. Otherwise, steer clear – and never ever talk about Aston Villa.
5 Lassies are liberated these days so don’t be worried about letting her pay for the drinks.
6 When a lassie looks you up and down, she’s weighing up whether you’d protect her and her wains from a lion. Be lion-ready!
7 But don’t be afraid to show your sensitive side. Tell her how you cried when the Bay City Rollers broke up.
8 As I said to my pal Roy, trust your instinct. If she’s breathing, she’s probably the right one for you. Go for it!
9 Give her one night to dream – she’ll find out the sad truth soon enough. Tell her you’re a Formula 1 driver or a model (that one always works for me, but you need the looks).  
10 When she invites you back to her place, make sure you stay for breakfast. Lassies like that and it saves you the price of a sausage bap.

 Charity appeal

Could you spare a few hours to make a lonely person’s day? The Sir Billy Nomates Charity aims to help those in need with its unique befriending scheme.
People like Rob, for instance. Rob contacted us because he feels unwelcome in the local pub, the cricket team and the village shop. He has lost his home and has even been banned from his favourite hobby, riding out with the South Borsetshire Hunt. And all because his neighbours believe the allegations of domestic violence and abuse made about him in court. They don’t realise that he is the real victim! So now he faces a bleak Christmas in an executive apartment on the Edgeley Road.
Fortunately, Rob has a supportive new boss who can see how his special qualities – tenacity, malice, a violent streak, the ability to bear grudges and a complete lack of shame – are really useful in business.
But although he puts a brave face on it, Rob misses having people around to patronise, bully and share a mirthless laugh with. Could you be one of those people? If so, contact our case-worker, Eva Beene-Hadd. Thank you.

From the message boards

This week, we drop in on the Borchester College Forum,to see what’s got the student body buzzing online:

• Hello chaps, I was wondering if anyone would like to come to Lower Loxley and try out the tree-top walk? It’s quite fun, and Mrs Titcombe would make us hot chocolate afterwards. NewbieFreddie.
• Ha ha in your dreams Downton get back to Eton and (comment removed by moderator).
• Is that Freddie who’s on my Contemporary Urban Environments course? Sounds like you’re creating a white privilege platform on here – take a minute to reflect, dude. ProfGandalf.
• Now now, what’s all this? Freddie’s just trying to fit in, like I had to when I came down from the north and that with my funny accent. Give him a break. He’s not a bad lad. JustJohnny
OK, so you want to know what Cathedral School boys really get up to? You wanna party?
I’ll call my mate Tarquin for supplies – and it won’t be hot chocolate. NewbieFreddie.  
Cool! See you there. Everyone. (Thread reported to Borsetshire Rural Crime Unit).


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