Toby plans to make a killing
Farmers
concerned about the prospect of a ban on the pesticide glysophate will have
nothing to worry about if an Ambridge entrepreneur has his way.
Toby
Fairbrother says he has the answer in the form of a new compound he’s
discovered that kills all plant life with just one application.
‘To be
honest, I started out trying to make gin,’ said Mr Fairbrother, who is
developing new business ideas from Rickyard Cottage at Brookfield. ‘But when my
girlfriend poured the ‘wash’ into her yucca and it wilted within five seconds, we
knew we were onto something. It’s
all-natural ingredients, and much easier than gin as no need to faff about with
an alcohol licence. We’re planning to call it Toby’s Totally Toxic. Genius!’
Local
farmer Brian Aldridge said he was ‘open minded’ about trialling a new
pesticide. ‘I’ve drunk enough sauvignon blanc that tasted like weedkiller in my
time, so nothing would surprise me,’ he said. ‘And frankly, what my stepson
Adam Macy is doing to the crops with his new-fangled ‘no-till’ method of
managing the soil is embarrassing. There’s only so much you can blame on slugs.’
Recipe of the Week
Susan
Carter of Ambridge View writes: ‘With the party season approaching, I thought
readers might like to try this easy diet plan I’ve devised for my husband
Neil. We’re having a family photo taken and as we all know, the camera puts on
pounds!
‘I’m
pleased to say he soon got used to ‘clean eating’, and now he’s over the nausea
and dizzy spells he feels like a new man. And so do I! No more ‘chubby hubby’
for me! Mind you, his breath is terrible.’
• Breakfast
A slice of
lemon in hot water and a brisk jog round the pig unit
• Snack
Carrot
batons
• Lunch
Baby leaf
salad open sandwich (one small slice of bread)
Half an
orange
• Snack
Celery
sticks
• Dinner
Large bowl
lentil soup
2
crispbreads (no spread)
Thank you
Susan! Next week, Eddie Grundy on ‘How I make sure I get my 5 a day: pasty,
pork pie, sausage roll, packet of crisps and pint of cider.’
NEW SERIES: Love lines, with our dating guru
He’s a pig
man, a milkman and a legendary ladies’ man! Now Jazzer McCreary shares his top
10 dating tips:
1 when you’re
meeting a new lassie, get there first and check out the fire exit. Then you can
make a quick getaway if she looks like the back end of a tram.
2 Act
mysterious. Don’t talk too much.
3 But look
as if you’re listening, even if you’re bored witless, which you will be.
Lassies like that.
4 Talk
about football if she can get you free tickets. Otherwise, steer clear – and
never ever talk about Aston Villa.
5 Lassies
are liberated these days so don’t be worried about letting her pay for the
drinks.
6 When a
lassie looks you up and down, she’s weighing up whether you’d protect her and
her wains from a lion. Be lion-ready!
7 But don’t
be afraid to show your sensitive side. Tell her how you cried when the Bay City
Rollers broke up.
8 As I said
to my pal Roy, trust your instinct. If she’s breathing, she’s probably the
right one for you. Go for it!
9 Give her
one night to dream – she’ll find out the sad truth soon enough. Tell her you’re
a Formula 1 driver or a model (that one always works for me, but you need the
looks).
10 When she
invites you back to her place, make sure you stay for breakfast. Lassies like
that and it saves you the price of a sausage bap.
Charity
appeal
Could you
spare a few hours to make a lonely person’s day? The Sir Billy Nomates Charity
aims to help those in need with its unique befriending scheme.
People like
Rob, for instance. Rob contacted us because he feels unwelcome in the local
pub, the cricket team and the village shop. He has lost his home and has even
been banned from his favourite hobby, riding out with the South Borsetshire
Hunt. And all because his neighbours believe the allegations of domestic
violence and abuse made about him in court. They don’t realise that he is the
real victim! So now he faces a bleak Christmas in an executive apartment on the
Edgeley Road.
Fortunately,
Rob has a supportive new boss who can see how his special qualities – tenacity,
malice, a violent streak, the ability to bear grudges and a complete lack of
shame – are really useful in business.
But
although he puts a brave face on it, Rob misses having people around to
patronise, bully and share a mirthless laugh with. Could you be one of those
people? If so, contact our case-worker, Eva Beene-Hadd. Thank you.
From the message boards
This week,
we drop in on the Borchester College Forum,to see what’s got the student body
buzzing online:
• Hello
chaps, I was wondering if anyone would like to come to Lower Loxley and try out
the tree-top walk? It’s quite fun, and Mrs Titcombe would make us hot chocolate
afterwards. NewbieFreddie.
• Ha ha in
your dreams Downton get back to Eton and (comment
removed by moderator).
• Is that Freddie
who’s on my Contemporary Urban Environments course? Sounds like you’re creating
a white privilege platform on here – take a minute to reflect, dude. ProfGandalf.
• Now now,
what’s all this? Freddie’s just trying to fit in, like I had to when I came
down from the north and that with my funny accent. Give him a break. He’s not a
bad lad. JustJohnny
• OK, so you want to know what Cathedral School boys really get up to? You
wanna party?
I’ll call
my mate Tarquin for supplies – and it won’t be hot chocolate. NewbieFreddie.
• Cool! See you there. Everyone. (Thread
reported to Borsetshire Rural Crime Unit).
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