New start for Kate, new home for the elves, but no move for Henry… a troubling week in Ambridge

 Council accused of ‘cosy deal’ over Elfworld move

Ambridge Parish Council has been accused of a ‘stitch-up’ over plans to re-site the village’s latest tourist attraction.

At a meeting this week councillors nodded through a proposal by Eddie and Joe Grundy to move the ‘elf community’ to Grundys’ Field from Ambridge Millennium Wood (Aldridge. You’re fired. Ed).

Villagers say they now fear being charged large sums in donations and parking fees to visit the elves, which have been a big hit with locals and sightseers alike.

‘It was all a put-up job,’ said one angry resident. ‘We’d already had leaflets through our doors advertising ‘Grundys’ Elfworld’ and there was an article on the village website about it.

‘But at the meeting Brian Aldridge, whose wife Jennifer updates the website, said he knew nothing about it – and so did Neil Carter, whose wife is the biggest gossip in Ambridge! It was all cooked up between them to save the Aldridges’ game birds – and probably line the pockets of the council as well.’

Council chairman Mr Carter completely denied any suggestion of impropriety. ‘It was very clever of Eddie to suggest a ‘third way’ for the elves, to keep them as a tourist attraction and retain the integrity of the wood,’ he said. ‘And council members were all grateful for the complimentary sets of big green elf ears that the Grundys gave us to celebrate the launch of Elfworld. Look, I can waggle mine!’

After Brexit, it’s eggs-it

It’s the end of an eggy era at Willow Farm, as Neil Carter and Hayley Tucker have decided the timer has gone off for their free-range egg venture. 

‘Sometimes you have to make hard-boiled business decisions,’ said Mr Carter. ‘We couldn’t keep the flock going, especially after our partner Josh Archer stabbed us in the back by stealing half the hens. He said he wanted to impress Michael Gove (surely, Toby Fairbrother? Ed) but I reminded him that in any partnership, trust is paramount and Josh had destroyed that trust.’ (OK, fair enough. Ed).

Eco-preneur homes in on success

Spiritual Home, the new holistic therapy centre at Home Farm, got off to a flying start with a spectacular party this week. We asked owner Kate Madikane for her top tips for a successful launch:

1.     Have a tantrum on the day you have to organise the caterers so your ex takes pity on you and sorts out a delicious vegan feast, complete with detox drinks and tofu-and-quinoa paella. He can even get you a discount – and fix the dishwasher! Cool!

2.     When the big day arrives, make yourself scarce so your mum and gran become so irritated with you that they build the fire, set out the food area, put up the fairy lights and find some lovely flowers for the tables. Then all you have to do is chant your success mantra over the fire pit and start on the vegan margaritas!

3.     Invite friends who are willing to make complete fools of themselves on the bongos (thank you, dear Lynda Snell!) This gets everyone in the mood for doing silly things, like booking a dozen shiatsu massages for only £500 (herbal tea included).

4.     Don’t worry if family members like your father and your daughter refuse to attend. They’d only, like, drag you down with their negative energy. It’s their loss.

5.     Stay up till dawn with your ex, who sticks around to stop you falling dead drunk into the fire pit, and tell yourself you’ve done a really brilliant job.

Letter to the editor

Dear Madam,

My mother Ursula and I would like to thank your readers for all the support we have received since the tragic events at Blossom Hill Cottage. Your faith was rewarded this week when the Family Court ruled that my son Henry should stay with us and not return to the chaotic parents of his deranged and dangerous mother. The judge was clearly moved by the sight of my crutches, oxygen tank and head-to-toe plaster cast and my brave struggle with the consequences of that woman’s vicious and unprovoked attack on me. 

Unfortunately, despite the bags of sliced onions mother brought along, the judge was not persuaded by our tearful pleas to have baby Gid – er, the new baby – transferred to our care. This is unfortunate, but I know where the judge lives.

Still, life goes on (though it nearly didn’t, heh!) and I’m delighted that young Henry will remain as a bargaining chip – I’m so sorry, that should read ‘as a much loved member of the Titchener family’ – for the foreseeable future.

Yours faithfully

Rob Titchener