Fete-gate, cricket victory, Kate’s first guests and Henry’s holiday plans… an action-packed week in Ambridge

Doyenne of fete goes nuts over Brazilian coup 

A damaging split appeared in one of Ambridge’s oldest institutions this week after members staged a coup in a bid to dislodge their veteran leader.

Fete committee newcomers Kenton Archer and Fallon Rogers mounted a direct challenge to Lynda Snell, whom they accuse of being ‘out of touch’ and ‘imposing a minority view on others'.

‘We believe we have the support of the grassroots,’ said Mr Archer. ‘Youngsters are tired of whack-a-mole, dunk the vicar and Christine Barford’s soggy shortbread. It’s Olympic year! Let’s get a Rio carnival going on the village green – caipirinhas and coconuts, not candy floss and cold tea!’

‘I completely refute any suggestion that Kenton and I are proposing an alternative fete structure to further our own ends,’ said Fallon Rogers. ‘Of course, if people choose to book the Ambridge Tea Room or a meal at The Bull (we’ve got a smashing package deal going) that’s entirely up to them. We just want to see proper democracy restored to the way this village runs its entertainments. The fete is bigger than the whims of one bossy woman. It’s high time another one took over.’

Lynda Snell, who has run the Ambridge fete for many years, immediately stepped down as committee chair and said she was ‘appalled’ by the turn of events.

‘These parvenus may think they have the village on their side, but just wait till the Parish Council gets wind of their plans to turn Ambridge into a favela fiesta,’ she said.     

‘Some of the older residents are horrified. They want the Edgeley Morris Men, not a samba band! And when Neville Booth heard that Fallon and Emma were going Brazilian in a pop-up tea tent, he fainted dead away.

‘As I said to Jill Archer: be careful. If you say nothing when they come for the fete, who will speak for you when they come for the Flower & Produce?’  

 Ambridge looks back in anger

Local residents have been warned to be vigilant after a serious outbreak of hindsight was reported in Ambridge this week.

‘It’s rare for a whole village to be affected by hindsight all at once,’ said a public health spokesperson. ‘Usually you get a slow build-up of cases where people report having a change of heart about someone, or seeing a past event in a different light.

‘But this epidemic of Titchener revisionensis  is quite virulent. People have had distressing symptoms: hand-wringing, brow-furrowing, sorrowful head-shaking and refusing to talk to their mothers about what’s wrong.

‘We’d just like to reassure people,’ said the spokesperson. ‘If you suddenly realise that a person you thought was a hero of the flood, a loving husband and father, is in fact a manipulative and vindictive control freak with a propensity for violence, you’re not alone. And if you would like someone to talk to, could you please stop faffing about and call barrister Anna Tregorran as soon as possible.’

Sports report: Victory at last for sub-strength Ambridge side

Ambridge Cricket Club notched up their first win of the season this week, beating Loxley Barrett by just three runs, despite fielding only ten men.

New captain Harrison Burns said he was ‘delighted’ with the result. ‘When Toby Fairbrother pulled out at the last minute with a groin strain (TMI. Ed) I thought we were done for,’ he said. ‘And I wasn’t sure about my team talk. When your players stick their fingers in their ears and sing “La la la we can’t hear you”, is that a good sign?

‘But having bowled us out tamely for 91, Loxley Barrett collapsed after tea, prepared, may I say, by my lovely partner Fallon Rogers. I don’t know what she and Emma put in the rock cakes, but their batsmen could barely walk, let alone run. I think we’ve found a winning formula!’

Vox pop: It’s holiday time!

School’s out, and many of our readers will be packing their buckets and spades for a well-earned break. We asked a few locals about their holiday plans:

Tom Archer, Bridge Farm: ‘No holidays for me: it’s pigs, sausages, shop, repeat, all day long. But I’m quite tempted to apply for one of these Nuffield Scholarships. You know, they’re a great way for young farmers to explore new techniques and markets worldwide? They’re very competitive. But Uncle Brian says he might be able to help. My sister Helen had this wonderful idea for organic baby food, which is big in Switzerland and Sweden, but she can’t go because…. Well, anyhoo, if I did go, I’d be doing it for Helen. I wouldn’t enjoy it at all.’

Alice Carter, agri-scientist: ‘I’ll be staying at home with my lovely hubby Chris, getting ready for my lovely new job. And I’ll have lots more lovely holibobs this year because I held out for eight extra days  – and a 20 per cent salary increase too! They were willing to pay what I’m worth because I’m super-brainy and absolutely lovely. Isn’t that lovely!’

Pat Archer, Bridge Farm: ‘We’d hoped to be taking my grandson Henry for a week in Tenerife, but unfortunately his stepfather Rob wasn’t keen. In fact he was a bit cross about it. So we’ll be taking a caravan in Weston-super-Mare. And Rob has offered to tow us there, and to pop in every day to make sure we’re OK. It will be very nice. Excuse me, I just need to take another of my headache pills…'

Toby Fairbrother, Hollowtree:  ‘Expect I’ll be heading down to Brighton – great place, cool vibe, and lots of fun, if you know what I mean guys… although on that front, things aren’t so shabby at home now. A gentleman never tells, obviously… but that Pip Archer – let’s just say the bedsprings at Rickyard aren’t getting a break this summer! (Don’t put that in in case her ghastly gran sees it).       Sorry, Toby. Too late. Ed.  

New holiday venue earns rave reviews…

Spiritual Home, the new holistic retreat at Home Farm launched by eco-entrepreneur Kate Madikane, welcomed its first paying guests this week. And it's set to be a big hit, if this review on ‘Trippy Trips 4 U’ is anything to go by…

‘Wow! Cressida and I thought we’d done glamping with a luxury pod at Glasto, but Spiritual Home is something else. Super-chilled yurt, with Persian rugs, full-length gilded mirrors, bone china and solid silver cutlery – just like mummy’s place in the country, but with Shiatsu!

‘The cashmere his ‘n’ hers robes were a nice touch, although our names aren’t Brian and Jennifer. Still, attention to detail was perfect otherwise, right down to the complimentary bottles of chilled white Burgundy served with the butternut, goji and freekeh salad. Kate was so cool – said she could get her hands on plenty more if we liked!

‘The only weird note was just before we left; this red-faced old guy came storming over the hill, waving a corkscrew and yelling “That’s it! I’ve had enough! Where is she?”

‘We assumed it was the next guest – clearly super-stressed and in need of some detox therapy! Luckily he’d come to the right place. We didn’t want to go home!’