Harrison steps up, Ursula moves out and Pip has some fun… a week for strong stomachs in Ambridge

New beat for Ambridge police

Borsetshire’s rural crime unit (PC Harrison Burns) announced he is opening a new front in the fight against crime in Ambridge at a press briefing this week.

‘I have taken on a vital undercover role as captain of the Ambridge cricket team,’ he says. ‘It requires long, unsocial hours on a Sunday, steering Ambridge to yet another defeat watched by three senior citizens and a dog. But it’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to make, to pass unnoticed in the criminal underworld that seethes in the cricket pavilion, the village green and the Flood Bar for after-match beers.

‘I’m confident this is the way to find out once and for all who stole the bunting. I’m supported by my lovely partner Fallon, who’ll be my eyes and ears in the tea tent. And she cuts the crusts off my sandwiches, just the way I like them. 

‘Crooks all over Borsetshire will be quaking in their boots when they hear this news, you mark my words. Mind how you go now.’

ElfWorld: a statement

Readers may be wondering why, unlike our so-called rival, the Borchester Echo, we have not published pictures of ElfWorld, the new tourist attraction at Grundys’ Field, this week.

The Ambridge Observer takes its responsibility as a family newspaper very seriously, and in our opinion the images supplied with the story were completely unacceptable. Mr Eddie Grundy has expressed ‘outrage’ that ElfWorld may now have to take out paid advertisements rather than getting free publicity, but his daughter-in-law Emma Grundy agreed with us.

‘Eddie and Joe looked like the Child-Catcher and a hobgoblin in them pictures,’ she said. ‘Even my little Keira was scared, and she’s family!’   

Our readers’ ombudsman, Val Hughes-Matta, also supported our decision. 'The pictures of so-called ‘elves’ would be a terrible shock to any child who has seen The Lord of The Rings,’ she said. ‘I’ve had to book an extra Reiki session to recover.’

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Ambridge Rural Cinema: now showing

Farming Friends with Benefits (cert : 18) 

Jaded by broken relationships, young farmer Pip (Emma Watson*) and poultry entrepreneur Toby (Lyin’ Gosling) decide they want some farmyard fun rather than true love. It’s lager, Lakey Hill and ‘greasing the trailers’ all the way at first, but will complications arise when two best pals add sex to their relationship? What will lovelorn, loyal Rex do when he finds out Toby’s emptying the condom machine for Pip’s benefit? And will wise, twinkly old Bert Fry write a poem about it? You betcha!

Don’t miss this laugh-a-minute rural rom com (not suitable for children or anyone of a sensitive disposition).

*She’s no Emma Watson! (Josh Archer, 18)

The Trials of Ursula Titchener

In the latest chapter of our romantic saga by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine must choose between her husband and her troubled, heroic son…

‘Unbelievable! Pat only gave the boy a sandwich for his lunch!’ Ursula tutted at Henry as he rushed upstairs to wash his hands. At least, the boy knew what would happen if he disobeyed Daddy. That was one thing she and Rob had been able to teach him. ‘I know,’ said Rob. ‘And taking him on a farm walk. Why would he want to run about with friends and have a picnic? We should be taking him to a safari park, where he can sit in a sweltering car and be terrified by baboons. That’s a proper day out!’

‘You’re so right, Robert dear. And soon, when we get proper custody… Talking of which, what would you like for pudding? None of that shop-bought stuff Helen would make, I know!’ At that point, Ursula’s phone rang. Instinctively she startled, and shuddered. Only one person would call her here… Forcing a smile into her voice, she answered. ‘Bruce dear! How lovely to hear you!’ she said brightly…

*

Ursula woke from a nightmare, in which she was imprisoned in a pastry cage, boiling custard pouring on her head. But the reality she woke to was hardly a relief. Yesterday, Bruce had visited – and it hadn’t been a successful trip. He’d found fault with her choice of lunch – well, Robert’s choice. If only he hadn’t insisted on cold meat and salad instead of her toad in the hole! Then Bruce refused to see little Henry, calling him a ‘freak of nature’. His own grandson! She was so frightened Robert would react to his father… well, let’s say she didn’t want any unpleasantness. She wearily got out of bed and her eyes fell on her half-packed suitcase. Bruce was determined she should go home, even though she’d pleaded that Robert wasn’t well enough to look after Henry on his own. But no matter how much her son needed her, she couldn’t risk disappointing her husband. She knew all too well what happened if she crossed him…

*

‘Goodbye, goodbye!’ Ursula waved brightly at Rob and Henry, who stood on the doorstep of Blossom Hill Cottage as her taxi set off down the lane. It was pouring down, but Rob had a firm hand on Henry’s shoulder, stopping him going inside. Were those raindrops on the little boy’s upturned face, or tears? Either way, it was good to see Robert taking her advice not to let Henry run rings round him. The boy needed to learn manners, after the terrible start his deranged mother had given him…  Helen. Even the thought of her made Ursula’s blood run cold. So baby Gideon’s six-week check had gone well, had it? A miracle, with that woman looking after him. She stroked her suitcase, which still held Rob’s old baby blanket and a tiny ‘Little Prince’ sleepsuit. She’d reassured Rob, but she too feared Gideon would be too big for it by the time his father finally got to hold him. And as for Bruce…. How he would react if he were denied contact with Gideon, his ‘real, proper’ grandson… The rain was lashing against the  taxi window; the summer’s day was dark and cold and thunder rumbled overhead. Ursula wished silently that the car would drive straight past the railway station, far away from the men in her life, their passions and their dangerous, deep-seated rages… 

To be continued...