Kate's karma is stretched to the limit
‘Alex is gorgeous, polite, charming, easy
to talk to… it looks like Phoebe is a better picker of men than her mother.’ So
said Kate of Phoebe’s boyfriend, who dazzled assorted Aldridges and Tuckers at
Phoebe’s 17th birthday party, complimenting Hayley on her apple
crumble, and even putting up with ‘I’m Phoebe’s mum, but you must call me Kate’
and her gory tales of giving birth at Glasto. Phoebe was mortified, but Alex
had his eyes on the prize: getting Phoebe into bed later that week.
‘Will we have, um, everything we need?’
said a nervous Phoebe, as Alex appeared at Home Farm bearing flowers for
Jennifer (an appropriate gift as he was about to deflower her granddaughter).
It’s to be hoped that Alex did come properly supplied (can we rephrase that? Ed) because he and Phoebe were in flagrante when Kate, bored on a
Friday night, popped over for a chat.
‘Oh, Kate!’ gasped Alex. ‘I’m Phoebe!’
wailed Phoebe. ‘Don’t you Kate me!’ yelled Kate. ‘Get your clothes on and get
out!’
No amount of Tai Chi and meditation on the
lawn with Lilian could have prepared Kate for such a stressful scene, let alone
Phoebe, who is now officially the owner of the Most Embarrassing Mother in the
World.
And Kate, of course, shed her liberal
principles as fast as Alex pulled his jeans back on, Free Love not applying to
her own teenaged daughter.
What next? Kate’s vision of a holistic
retreat of yoga and yurts has already melted away on first contact with Brian
and Jennifer; now her fragile relationship with Phoebe seems to have suffered
another wounding blow. Will Lynda, who recognises in Kate another trapped,
creative spirit, offer support? Will Roy punch Alex on the nose? Will Brian
shut himself in the wine fridge with a corkscrew to escape the Monstrous
Regiment at Home Farm? (Enough
speculation now. Getting silly. Ed).
Letter to the editor
I just wanted to say how pleased I am that,
unlike that other local rag the Borchester
Echo, you don’t waste valuable newsprint on my backstabbing siblings Lizzie
Pargeter and David Archer. Nobody wants to hear his deadly dull opinions on the
new road, and everybody knows the Ambridge fete has been deliberately moved to
Lower Loxley to ruin my pub. I’m enclosing several dozen shots of our new
picnic hampers, ranging from the ‘Anyone for tennis’ to the super-luxurious
‘Mixed Doubles’, which I hope you’ll publish in full. And can I assure your
readers of a warm welcome at The Bull this summer. Unless they
are called David, Lizzie, or Jill. Kenton
Archer.
(Note
to subs: don’t use pix. And can we big up the next story’s headline. Thx. Ed)
David Archer, hero of the flood, takes to the airwaves
David Archer, chair of the Ambridge Flood
Action Group, revealed to Radio Borsetshire this week his belief that the independent
report into the flood risk of ‘route B’ will sink the plan for a new road
through the village.
‘We don’t need to remind everyone of the
devastation in February,’ he reminded listeners, many of whom sobbed as they
gathered round their radios. ‘But the council and road developers can’t argue
with the facts and can’t afford to ignore them. Oh and while I’m on, Lynda
Snell asked me to ping in a mention for the fete. It’s at Lower Loxley on July
19, by kind permission of my lovely sister Lizzie. Thanks folks!’
Mr Archer’s broadcast was greeted with
delight by flood-weary Ambridge residents. ‘We might really have them on the
back foot now,’ said Mrs Carol Tregorran. ‘The hard facts of this report will
have more impact than butterflies, collecting buckets and even the Boudicca of
Borsetshire. Would you like some seed cake?’
Borsetshire County Council said: ‘We shall
take careful note of these findings and decide if they materially affect our
proposals.’
(Note
to subs: can you check Justin Elliot’s PR guys are OK with this? Ed).
New series: From the message boards
Hey guys, can you believe there are 250 new
hot birds at Brookfield? No, I don’t mean Pip Archer, though I would, wouldn’t
you? And my bro Rex so would. No, I
mean 250 little fluffy goslings, all ready to be lovingly nurtured and fattened
up by our new Gorgeous Goose Company in time for Christmas. Check out our
website (when it’s ready) and place your orders guys!!! Tobes Fairbrother.
It’s disgusting the way rich kids can swan
into the village and start taking the bread out of the mouths of decent
families by setting up a rival business. Everyone knows poultry is the Grundys’
birthright. They’ve been known as the pluckers of Ambridge since God was a boy.
It ain’t right. Bartleby.
‘Swan’ into the village? Don’t you mean
goose-step? Lolz. Krazy Kenton.
Does anyone
on here believe in ghosts? I keep thinking about my husband’s first wife, Grace
Archer. Now that those Fairbrother boys are back in the village, it’s like a
goose walking over my grave. Aunty Jill.
Have you been to Grey Gables recently? If
you have, would you mind giving us a quick review on ‘Howsyourhotel.com’? Thing
is, we’ve had a few negative comments recently about guests behaving as if they
own the place, wearing pyjamas in the bar, having barbecues in their room,
letting ferrets run round the lounge – nothing much, but we’d like to
post some positive feedback on there too. Thanks everyone. Rover Roy.
Jeez Louise, kid, are you for real? My wife
is still having trauma counseling after we stayed at your place back in the
spring. And my oldest buddy Sol Berkowitz hasn’t spoken to me since I
recommended it to him. I can’t believe that hell-hole hasn’t been shut down for
good. Wilbur M Cornstalk, West Virginia,
USA.
Please, kind people of Ambridge, do you
know anything about my cousin Stefan? We have no news of him since he failed to
come home on leave in May. He was very good worker, at Berrow Farm. But he got
in some trouble with his boss, Mr Titchy. He was nervous, I think. His family
miss him. Can you help? Magda, Warsaw.
Poetry Corner
Ode to the Flower & Produce Show by
Bert Fry
Since I lost my Freda, I’ve been very low,
I wasn’t even interested in the Flower
& Produce Show.
But Mrs Carol Tregorran, she really made me
think,
So I’ve bucked up my ideas, and now I’m in
the pink.
Back at our little bungalow, the roses are
a-bloom,
I pictured my dear Freda, sitting in our
living room,
If she was here beside me now, she’d be
full of happy chatter,
Telling me all about the things that really
matter,
Like beating Derek Fletcher to the ‘Biggest
Marrow’ prize –
I could just see the pride beaming in
Freda’s lovely eyes.
So I decided me and Mrs T would make a go
of it,
I’ll do most of the work, and she can weed
and hoe a bit.
We’ll get her garden shipshape, and the
bungalow garden too
With delphiniums and azaleas and lupins red
and blue.
Losing my Freda did nearly drive me over
the edge,
But now I’m going to win that trophy for
Mrs Tregorran’s veg!
What's this about Culvertgate being closed? What state is Stephan in? I'm not talking about members of the the European Union here, I'm talking about alive or dead! Just how far is Rob Titchener prepared to go to cover up his heinous crimes? Why is the Ambridge Observer ignoring this? Have you been got at too? So many questions and only 15 minutes-with-a-repeat-on-Sunday to answer them!
ReplyDeleteYou're quite right David. The Observer reporters are as keen as the mustard on a Flood Bar sausage roll, but we can only work with what we've got. But judging from Magda's message, we can only assume the worst for poor Stefan...
ReplyDelete