Sunday, 28 June 2015

SAVE scent victory; Helen hears wedding bells; Pip and Kate hatch plans: a satisfactory week in Ambridge

‘No bore hole in Ambridge’: is Route B scuppered?

SAVE campaigners were confidently predicting victory this week as an independent report slammed two local councils for an ‘inadequate’ flood risk assessment of their preferred route for a new road through Ambridge.

The report, commissioned by SAVE to challenge the councils’ decision to approve ‘Route B’, sensationally reveals:
• there was no ground water reading for Ambridge, described as a ‘serious omission’
• the hydraulic model used was adapted from an old one when a new one should have been designed (what this mean? Ed)
the councils’ proposals assume Route B is in a zone 2 flood risk area, whereas Ambridge village is in a zone 3 area of higher risk
• the geophysical surveys show no bore hole in Ambridge (could have fooled me. Have you been to the Flood Bar lately? Ed.)

The report concludes that the road proponents’ flood risk assessment is ‘inadequate and insufficient’ to rule out an increased risk of flooding from building the road along Route B.
‘Honestly,’ said Jennifer Aldridge, the leading SAVE campaigner known as the “Boudicca of Borsetshire’. ‘It makes you wonder what the councils spend money on. Certainly not flood defences!”
‘Ummmmrgh’, said David Archer of Brookfield, who commented through a mouthful of his mother Jill’s famed lasagne.

‘Captain Fantastic’ triumphant as Ambridge humble Waterley Cross

By our special cricket correspondent, Charlie Thomas.

From the moment Adam Macy was confirmed as captain for Sunday’s match against Waterley Cross, victory was assured. The tall, lean, bronzed Adonis bestrode the pitch like a Colossus, his strong hands with their sensitive fingers caressing the ball, his keen blue eyes taking a cool measure of the opposition and deploying his troops like a latter-day, better-looking Duke of Wellington.
Adam won the toss with consummate skill and, with the wisdom and foresight that mark him out among leaders, sent young Tom Archer to open the batting. Sure enough, only 10 minutes later Ambridge were 38-3: a confident start against a Waterley Cross XI who just didn’t play fair.
After Titchener R struggled to reach 87, it was up to Adam to turn the game around, which he did with supreme style and aplomb. ‘A captain’s knock’ doesn’t do his superb century justice; his cultured stroke play was a vision to behold, and your correspondent could watch him stand up to a cocky bowler all day long.
Ambridge were finally bowled out for a magnificent 273, and it was up to Adam to display his magisterial strategic skills once again. He softened up the Waterley Cross opening partnership by choosing Johnny Phillips to open the bowling, and cleverly let them build up to 173 for 2 before unleashing the agricultural but effective Titchener R to take five wickets, including a hat-trick, with a final winning margin of 50 runs.
After the match Adam was carried shoulder-high by cheering team-mates and I felt privileged to offer him two Edgbaston Test Match tickets as a birthday present. Thanks to this performance by ‘Captain Fantastic’ Ambridge are now vying for league leadership with Darrington. Man of the Match was Titchener R. 


In this month’s ‘Submissive Brides’ Magazine:
• wedding dresses to cover you from head to toe
• your fiancé’s decree absolute: why you MUST believe him
• laundry special: only bright-white is right for cricket kit!
• social life – remember to check his diary first!
• your career: goodbye shop, hello kitchen sink!
• ‘My parents aren’t being prosecuted by the Health & Safety Executive – so why can’t they be happy for me?’
• Bride-to-be of the Month: Helen Archer, Ambridge

New series: Your careers questions asked

With so many young entrepreneurs deciding to set up in the Ambridge area, we ask local high-profile businessman Kenton Archer, landlord of The Bull, to pass on some tips:

Q ‘Hi dude, My bro Rex and I can’t decide whether to set up a goose-rearing unit at Brookfield, where this fit bird Pip Archer has found us a shed and a field, or to head off to Newquay for some heavy waves. Whaddya reckon?’ Toby F.
A Brookfield? Did you say Brookfield? I’m telling you my man, once you’re part of the David and Elizabeth Archer benefit show you can never, and I mean never, win. That Pip’s a straight arrow but David will betray you and grind you into the dust quicker than you can say ‘four-bird roast’. Can I come to Newquay with you?

Q ‘I have a brilliant idea for a totally cool, holistic therapy centre with yurts and massage and candles and, erm, that kind of thing. It’s right up my Dharma. But my aunty Lilian says there’s more to a business plan than writing ‘Om’ over and over on a recycled paper napkin. Do you think she can ever share my vision?’ Kate M.
A Lilian? Did you say Lilian? She’s worse than David! Plenty of money for enough Botox to stun a heifer and an account at Fabrice of Felpersham, but she can’t spare a penny to invest in a thriving, dynamic, forward-thinking business like The Bull. She’ll come and drink your gin all night but pay up? That’s another story. Steer clear.

Q ‘I’ve got this great idea for posh picnic hampers to serve while we’re showing sporting events on the big-screen TV at The Bull. Crusty bread, ham, cheeses, crudités, chocolates, strawberries – people would love it. Because Lynda Snell was right wasn’t she? At the moment all we can offer is a grubby little bar with a microwave?’ Fallon R.
A Lynda Snell? Did you say Lynda Snell? She’s worse than David and Lilian! Completely in thrall to the evil axis of David and Lizzie Archer. Someone like me doesn’t stand a chance, no matter how hard I try to persuade them that holding the Ambridge fete in a car park is so much better than having it in the grounds of a so-called stately home. I give up. What’s the fee for this column, by the way?

Q I think that we should lamb our ewes in March next year, so we can finish them on grass instead of expensive concentrates. But my stepfather thinks I’m trying to tear up his business plan and return us to farming in the Dark Ages. He’s awfully batey about it. What do you think? Adam M.
A Do you really think I care? You’re lucky; at least your brother, sisters and mother aren’t trying to destroy everything you’ve built up over the years. Put me down for some cheap chump chops though, can you?



  1. Excellent observations as usual, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog, much better than some Archers episodes, where I can't work out who is speaking.

  2. Thanks to these pages I need never listen to the programme again. Great stuff!

  3. Oh, I'd be disappointed if you weren't listening to the programme! Otherwise how would you know if I'm reporting faithfully or making it all up? :-) Thank you so much for the kind comments though: I'll treat the team to a sausage roll in the Flood Bar.

  4. Fabulous report of the cricket, there, but no mention of the quality of the Teas. I heard there was some rather nice seed cake, and a dressed salmon, but that the tuna and cucumber sandwiches mysteriously found their way into the bin.

  5. You're quite right; we did ask Charlie to report on the teas, but he was so lovesick (sorry, caught up in the match) that he completely lost his appetite and couldn't face the pavilion. A shame really, as Shula's sardine vol-au-vents are a treat looked forward to by home team and visitors alike.

  6. Great stuff, as usual. The Beeb is missing a trick not signing you up as a contributing scriptwriter. Fine satire; fine journalism.

  7. Thank you Pauline - very kind indeed. Anyone would think this whole project was a year-long job application ;-)