Phoebe’s private life’s on parade – thanks, mum
Awkward scenes at this week’s parents’
evening at Borchester High. Kate turned the Embarrassing-Mum-Meter up to max,
yelling in the school car park that she alone had prevented Phoebe from
sleeping with young Alex. This was a shock to Roy, who was celebrating
the happy news that his daughter is ‘Oxbridge material’ (and his temporary
promotion to assistant manager at Grey Gables).
‘Oy, oy, what's going on? Sleep with who?’ he roared,
coming over all EastEnders for a
moment, before calming down by offering Phoebe some driving lessons and
muttering ‘I hope that Alex knows how lucky he is.’
Meanwhile, Kate, keen to pass on the sexual
health tips she’d learned in HIV clinics in Soweto (are you sure? Ed.) was incensed to hear that Jenny had already had a ‘lovely chat’ with Phoebe about
‘precautions’. ‘Put her on the pill mum? Have you any idea what they do to
young girls’ hormones? Let alone when they hit the watercourse? Fish are
CHANGING GENDER!’
Even Peggy was drawn into the
multi-generational affray, when Jenny accused her of giving no advice at all
about such matters, resulting in the unplanned arrival of Adam. ‘I say, I think
that’s very unfair!’ sniffed Peggy. ‘Yes, alright then. Now, can we please have
some pudding?’ Jenny pleaded, desperate to get Debbie’s welcome-home barbecue back on track.
Phoebe, mercifully oblivious to this
exchange, was busy messaging Alex, arranging their next tryst, which, if she
really is Oxbridge material, will be nowhere near Home Farm…
Move over oldies: here come the young guns!
After the devastating flood in Ambridge
earlier this year, the farming community is undergoing another massive wave of
change (like it. Ed) as the older
generation make way for youngsters with their eyes on the future.
• Home Farm will perhaps see the biggest
change, as Debbie has been promoted in Hungary and has handed the arable
management over to Adam. (Is Adam a young
gun? He’s nearly 50. Ed) Brian sees herbal leys and late lambing as the
first steps to a weirdy-beardy eco-apocalypse, but Adam is thrilled at the
prospect of a maize-free future. Whether Brian will take Debbie’s advice to
retire, and spend his days emptying his wine cellar with Lilian, remains to be
seen….
• At Bridge Farm, Helen and Tom Archer will
be forging ahead with their exciting plans for the new shop, just as soon as
Rob and Helen get back from their mini-break to the Isle of Wight.
• At Hollowtree, goose farmers Rex and Toby
Fairbrother have an ingenious business plan: blag everything from coffee to water
pipes and free labour from your hapless landlord David Archer! Oh, and marry his
daughter. That helps too. But might take a bit longer.
Summer fiction special: The Trials of Charlie Thomas
In Chapter Two of our exclusive serial by
award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, hero Charlie Thomas faces a
cruel test of love…
Charlie arrived at the cricket ground with
a trembling heart. Would Adam have forgiven him for talking to Brian about the
maize contract? But as soon as he saw the rangy, handsome team captain his
spirits lifted, even though Adam was holding hands with Ian, sharing a
pre-match Grey Gables ciabatta wrap. At the end of Adam’s innings he took his
chance. ‘Look Adam, I don’t want to… lose you,’ he ventured, his soft brown
eyes brimming with tears. ‘We’ve been through this Charlie,’ said Adam, in the
kind but firm tone Charlie loved. ‘The maize contract is business. I’m not
trying to punish you. Now get out there and score some runs.’
*
Taking his stance at the wicket. Charlie
saw his batting partner was Rob Titchener. Perfect, he thought, flicking a
blade of grass off his immaculate whites. Rob was a snake, but fiercely
competitive. Here was his chance to open his legs and show Adam what he was
made of! The Loxley Barrett bowler let fly with a full toss; Charlie swung at
it and began to run. But Rob was rooted to the spot, engrossed in a guide book
to the Isle of Wight. ‘Get back!’ screamed Adam, but it was too late….
‘Rob, how could you leave me hanging out to
dry like that? When your partner runs, you run! Adam, tell him!’ Back in the changing
room, Charlie implored his captain, who was rubbing ‘Justin Elliot for Men’
liniment into his muscled calves. ‘Actually, I agree with Rob,’ said Adam, his
blue eyes glinting dangerously. ‘If he’d run, he would have been out. As it was,
he went on to score 10,243 and we won the match.’
Crushed once more, Charlie made an excuse
to his jubilant team-mates and trudged out of the pavilion. Another evening
alone with his spreadsheets awaited him…
*
‘Oh Charlie, how nice to finally meet you!’
A smooth, purring voice distracted Charlie from his gloom. He had just heard
the bad news from Brian about the maize contract, and thought his day could get
no worse. Now here she was in Jennifer’s kitchen: Debbie Aldridge. She had her
brother’s handsome lines, but there was a cruel twist to her lip as she said:
‘I’m not embarrassing you am I Charlie? Not unless you’ve got something to be
embarrassed about… ‘
He flushed to the roots of his hair. How
could he have fired Debbie by email? If only he’d known that one day he would
fall hopelessly in love with her brother! ‘Come on Charlie, let’s go party!’
Kate lurched drunkenly across the room towards him, and he saw a chance to
escape. ‘I’d better run, before you chuck me on the barbecue,’ he smiled weakly
and made for the door, the cruel laughter of the two women ringing hideously in
his ears.
As he slunk past the patio he saw Adam and
Ian, heads close together in the evening sunshine, poring over one of
Jennifer’s interior design magazines….
Recipe of the Week
Christine Barford, doyenne of the WI
bakers, shares the secrets of her marvellous muffins.
Find all the baking things you’ll need in
Peggy’s kitchen. Give them a good wash as she lets that cat get everywhere.
Forget where you’ve put the spatula. Fiddle with Peggy’s rusty old mixer until
she tells you off. When you’ve finally got the muffins in the oven, turn your
back for a minute so she can take them out before they’re done. Pick up the
muffins the cat has knocked off the tray. Carry on bickering until you’ve made
40 muffins and you’re both exhausted.
Then sit down for a lovely cup of tea and drink a toast to ‘teamwork’.
Letter to the Editor
Dear Madam,
Please could you find me a friend to play
with in the holidays? I don’t know anyone in Ambridge because I’ve been at
boarding school since I was two. My dad jokes he doesn’t spend all that money
on my school just so they can send us home early! At least I think he’s joking.
Jennifer gets annoyed if I play football in her tea roses and spill her
home-made lemonade. Adam is nice but he’s on his tractor a lot. Kate pinches me
when no one’s looking. I’m 12 and I like football and cricket. Thank you.
Ruairi, Home Farm.
I love the guide to the Isle of Wight, I snorted my veggie curry this time. I know I shouldn't be reading at the table! Another gem, the interpretation of the muffin scene.
ReplyDeleteVery kind, thank you! This week's edition could have been four time slinger - so much going on!
ReplyDeleteOh dear, I'm a bit worried about your dry cleaning bills! Glad you enjoyed it though. There was lots of good stuff to have a go at this week…
ReplyDeleteAgreed, brilliant!
ReplyDeleteVery kind; thanks for reading!
DeleteOh, poor Ruari! (I shouldn't be laughing at his letter, I'm so sorry)
ReplyDelete