Church aims at younger market

St Stephen’s Church is to offer ‘contemporary christenings’ in response to feedback from parishioners.

‘Talking to young parents like Toby Fairbrother and Pip Archer, it’s clear we need to make baptism more relevant and appropriate to modern families,’ said the Revd Alan Franks. ‘It seems people like the tradition, but there’s just too much God in it for most people.’

Parents will now be able to design their own christenings, including: 

• Reverend on remote:

Don’t let a boring church service interrupt the party! Book your own venue, order in the bubbly and dial up the vicar, who’ll conduct the service on Skype.

• Wow-factor vows:

Forget those scary promises about renouncing the Devil. Godparents: why not create your own dance routine to Rick Astley’s “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down”? Perfect sentiment and it will look so cool on Insta!

• Dunkin’ bonus baptism offer:

Refer a friend to have their child christened and get an extra quarter-peal of bells rung completely free!* 

• St Stephen’s loyalty card: 

Why wait for your rewards in Heaven? Check in at church five times in your baby’s first year and claim your free hot cross bun** at the Bridge Farm tea room!

*subject to Neil Carter’s bad back

** does not apply to gluten-free

E.H. Shepard / Flickr / bibliodysseyblogspot.com 

News flash:

Freddie Pargetter photographed as he left youth custody on licence on Friday, before taking the wheel for the drive home with his mother Elizabeth and twin sister Lily.

Happy Mothers’ Day, Ambridge!

We ask readers how they will be celebrating on this special day:

Jill Archer: ‘I’m hoping the entire family will come to Brookfield for lunch. I love nothing more than seeing everyone squashed round the table, wondering who’ll say the wrong thing next, and trying to make small talk with my Leonard, whom I love dearly even though he has the personality of a lamp post.’ 

Elizabeth Pargetter: ‘Every day is Mothers’ Day for me now that my Freddie is out of… well, now that he’s home. I expect we’ll spend it quietly at Lower Loxley. Freddie will probably read an improving book, and Russ will cook us something tasty. Oh, and Lily might be there, unless she’s working.

Clarrie Grundy: ‘I’ll be going to church to say thank you for my lovely family. William’s letting me, Eddie and Joe move into 1 The Green, when we leave Grange Farm, and he’s only charging us a commercial rent with the usual inflation-indexed increases and non-refundable deposit. I’m such a lucky woman!’  

Natasha Archer: ‘I’m going to Wales to see my mother, and my new husband Tom is staying in Ambridge to see his. Being a young, thrusting entrepreneurial couple is all about multi-tasking, isn’t it? This way, we can leverage the time window against the opportunity cost and maximise the outcomes, mothers-wise. I say, you couldn’t lend me a tenner for petrol, could you?’

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your emotional and practical dilemmas!

Dear Auntie Satya,

I’ve discovered that my new wife has £15,000 of debt that she hadn’t told me about. She said she’d put her wedding dress on one credit card, but when I found another store card she said that was for her wedding dress too. The last time I had a bride with two wedding dresses it didn’t end well. What would you advise? Tom.

Dear Tom,

Money problems are a leading cause of marriage breakdown, so I would say you are right to be concerned. These debts are your responsibility too now, as the wedding vows include ‘For richer, for poorer’. But you might not be aware of this as I understand your last wedding didn’t get that far. Good luck. 

Dear Auntie Satya,

I love my new husband dearly but he’s got in a proper tizz over my credit card bills. He doesn’t seem to understand it costs money to look the part in business – it’s all about “fake it till you make it”. And now he’s cancelled the gorgeous house we were going to rent in Penny Hassett because we can’t afford it. How can we get round this? Natasha.

Dear Natasha,

Amor vincit omnia, as my old friend Prof Jim Lloyd would say. So I do hope you are able to find a way of managing your finances that suits you both. However if you are applying the principle of “fake it till you make it” to other aspects of your marriage then I would be more concerned. 

Dear Auntie Satya,

I am newly divorced and looking for a new purpose in life. Our vicar has suggested that I write a sermon about spirituality and the idea deeply appeals to me. Do you think I might have a vocation in the Church? Shula.

Dear Shula,

I try to be impartial when advising readers, but with your usual complete lack of self-awareness you seem to have forgotten how deeply you wounded my niece Usha with your attitude to her marriage. So forgive me if I say that I would rather rub chilli oil in my eyes than listen to you preaching about spirituality. But perhaps others will be more generous. 

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: It Shouldn’t Happen to a Vet.

Hardworking country vet Alistair hopes his money worries are over when he joins forces with a go-getting city practice. But how will he cope when he learns the price of independence is having to sell insurance policies to grumpy farmers?

‘A feel-good moo-vie ewe’ll never forget!' Veterinary Finance News.

Raise a glass to the new Mrs Archer!

Lower Loxley future hangs in balance

Lower Loxley, one of Borsetshire’s premier attractions, is in danger of losing its alcohol licence permanently, the Ambridge Observer can reveal.

A source close to the Pargetter family has received legal advice that the authorities will take a dim view of restoring a licence if Freddie Pargetter, who was convicted of drug dealing on the premises, returns to live there when he is released from detention shortly.

‘People are pleading with her, but Elizabeth won’t listen,’ said the source. ‘She says Lower Loxley is Freddie’s home, and that’s where he will be staying – licence or no licence.’  

In a statement, Mrs Pargetter insisted she had no concerns about the estate’s future. ‘There are many reasons why guests visit Lower Loxley that don’t require alcohol. The Treetop Walk, the Rare Breeds, the Orangery, the art gallery, the birds of prey – some people say you need a few gins to get through them all, but I’ve always enjoyed them sober. And Russ, my daughter’s partner, has a very nice Italian coffee maker if conference visitors need refreshments.’

WEDDING DAY ANNOUNCEMENT

Mr and Mrs Tom Archer would like to thank everyone for the kind wishes and generous gifts they received on the occasion of their wedding (apart from the fondue forks from Helen, Natasha didn’t like those much.)

Special thanks are due to Tom’s mother Pat, for not voicing her doubts loudly enough to spoil the day, and to Johnny Phillips, who was Tom’s first choice for best man once he had asked everyone else, for not making a speech. Cheers Johnny – we all dodged a bullet there!

Many thanks also to Kenton and Jolene at The Bull for hosting the reception, which featured Tom Archer’s sausage on a stick (are you sure? Ed), fruit punch made with the bride’s own juices (this is ridiculous. Ed) and a cake topped with figures of the bride and groom, with her foot jokingly on his throat.

The guests drank a toast to friends who were unavoidably absent, including Roy Tucker (overseeing a laundry delivery at Grey Gables), Ed Grundy (being groomed by Tim while putting up some fencing in Penny Hassett), Kirsty Miller (just too awkward) and the groom’s sister Helen (hiding from Lee in the dairy with her cheese-maker’s apron over her head). 

After a one-night honeymoon at a sustainable packaging conference in Rhyl, the happy couple will be making their home in Ambridge, sharing with Tom’s housemates Johnny and Hannah. Shout–out to Hannah for being a trouper about it! And young Johnny spends most of his time in the cowshed with the Montbéliardes, who he says are better company. Such a joker, Johnster!

We are women, hear us roar!

It was International Women’s Day on Friday, so we asked some of Ambridge’s most high-profile ladies (women. Ed) how they marked this special event for the fairer sex (I give up. You’re fired. Ed.)

Mrs Natasha Archer (née Thomas): ‘International Women’s Day is my birthday, so I’ve always thought they chose it just for me! And it’s so appropriate as I’m such an international woman – I travelled all the way from Wales to find my true love in Borsetshire. I celebrated this year by getting married and changing my name to my husband’s! So now I’m Natasha Archer. Of course, we’re a modern couple, so my husband and I discussed him changing his name to mine, but then he’d be Thomas Thomas, which we thought was a bit daft, see? And on the day, my mam and dad got stuck on the bypass so I asked my new father-in-law Tony to walk me the 30 feet from the register office door to the front of the room, because I was too nervous to do it on my own. It was a wonderful wedding and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate International Women’s Day.’

Emma Grundy: ‘It’s so important to raise the profile of women in public life, which is why I joined the Parish Council. I celebrated by speaking truth to power: I tackled Justin Elliott about the footpath he’s closed off, even though it’s a popular dog-walking route. I was really getting my point across when he asked if I’d like to go and see the foundations of the new house Ed and I are buying, and once we got chatting about the lovely kitchen and how I’d be able to keep an eye on the kids while doing the washing up, I forgot all about the footpath! Silly me. And Ed didn’t help, asking Justin all kinds of awkward questions. He doesn’t realise we should be grateful!

Jennifer Aldridge: ‘To me, International Women’s Day is about celebrating the role of women as the bedrock of the family, and my husband Brian feels the same: so much so he’s had more than one family! So this year I celebrated by asking my daughter Alice, who’s a qualified engineer with a high-powered job, when she and her husband are going to have a baby! I don’t know why she took it so badly. After all, she’s getting on a bit now and my son and his husband are managing it even though they aren’t, you know, a conventional couple! My children have all brought me so much joy and that’s all I want for Alice.’

Hannah Riley: ‘I got off my face and had a meaningless one-night stand with some random from Groovvzz in Borchester. Pretending I’ve got no feelings when a bloke I’m in love with gets married to someone else is my way of sticking it to the patriarchy. Yeah.’

Jill Archer: ‘I celebrated by having an extra-vigorous Scrabble session with my new beau, Leonard. I wore him out so much he fell asleep on the sofa, poor dear. My son David doesn’t approve but d’you know, I’ve never felt more liberated in my life!’

Wedding bells, a date for Helen and Ed gets lucky

Vicar praises kindness and calls out trolls

The Revd Alan Franks says he is ‘delighted’ with the response to this year’s ‘Pay for a Favour’ Lent appeal.

‘I’ve heard of some remarkable acts of generosity,’ he said. ‘For instance, a chap called Tim, who seems new to Ambridge, has given plenty of work to Ed Grundy, paid him over the odds, bought him lunch, got Eddie Grundy a replacement van and even paid Emma Grundy a compliment – all without wanting anything in return. I can only think the appeal is inspiring people to be kind and nice to each other. And not a moment too soon, I must say.’

The Revd Franks also used Sunday’s sermon to warn against the rising tide of online abuse that he said can threaten individual wellbeing and social cohesion.

‘I wouldn’t go quite as far as Joe Grundy, who says social media is the devil’s work,’ he said. ‘But I can tell you that responding to a video of Jolene Archer’s singing with the comment: “Get back to the care home, Granny,” is neither kind nor helpful. From now on, no phones will be allowed in Junior Church and I would urge parents to monitor all the family’s screen time.’ 

Coffee break with… Natasha-soon-to-be-Archer

This week we grabbed a few minutes on the phone with Ambridge’s newest bride-to-be, who just happens to be a high-flying entrepreneur!

Q Natasha, it doesn’t seem five minutes since we interviewed you about planting trees with Tom Archer. And now you’re getting married! You’re a fast mover! 

A Sorry, what was that? I’m stuck on the Catthorpe Interchange and the signal’s terrible – anyway, I don’t really care what you asked me so I’ll tell you about the wedding. It’s on my birthday on Friday – we chose that date so our wedding will always really be about me, see? It was like the stars aligned, just like Harry and Meghan, but more Welsh.

Q  How are you managing to organise the wedding at such short notice, and run your business?

A  We’re keeping the wedding simple, so while I was on the M6 the other day I dictated a quick four-page email telling guests about the dress code, timetable, expected behaviour standards and gifts. We don’t want people to go to the trouble of buying presents, so cheques (or cash) will be fine. Anyway, by the time I’d driven from Corley to Lancaster it was all done! 

Q And what about the catering? With you and Tom both in the food business, can we expect something spectacular?

A To be honest, I’m not a massive foodie; it’s more about the presentation for me. So we’re having a buffet at The Bull and my only brief to Jolene was: No cinnamon. And no singing. I dare say we might have Tom’s sausages on sticks, to make it festive. And we’re having a cake made of Pop Tarts, because they’re my favourite. Makes a croque-en-bouche look so 2018, if you know what I mean? Oh thank God the traffic’s moving. Gotta go – I’m already late for my packaging supplier in Brownhills. 

   

Recipe of the Week

By popular demand, this week’s recipe is Susan Carter’s legendary chilli, which Susan tells us she’ll be cooking for hubby Neil to celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary.

‘Neil and I have always had an electric connection, which over time has deepened into something very profound,’ says Susan. ‘My chilli helps us get to the bottom of our feelings for each other. Neil loves to have it hot and steaming on the table!’ Congratulations to the happy couple  – we’ll have what you’re having!

Serves 2, with plenty of seconds

250g lean, masterful mince

450g tin full of beans

1 big hunk of spicy sausage

450g juicy tomatoes (pommes d’amour)

Chilli oil, as hot as you dare

1 beefy stockman cube

Stir all the ingredients together and leave to simmer while hubby gets his cocktail shaker out and rustles up a Dirty Banana. Serve with nothing but a smile.

The Trials of… Helen Archer

In the latest chapter of our passionate family saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, will searing memories of the past destroy our heroine’s hopes of happiness?

Helen stirred the vat of creamy curds and whey with a langorous pleasure. ‘Do you know, Susan,’ she said, ‘I now feel so confident about the Borchester Blue that I can trust my gut on the salt?’

‘I know, Helen,’ smiled the older woman. ‘It’s lovely to see you happy. I might even think you’d met “The One.”’ Helen blushed. Susan was so wise, even if she was intensely irritating most of the time.

But today, not even her wittering about dinner party recipes could dent Helen’s serene mood. There would be no making small talk at Isabel’s tedious prosecco and profiteroles party for her on Friday night. She had a date with Lee…

*

‘Mummy, you know those junk bonds I issued to buy Trafalgar Square? Well now I’ve sold them on as sub-prime collateral to Fannie Mae in New York, so I can buy Pall Mall as well!’

‘Oh, well done Henry darling!’ Helen trilled as she did a little twirl in her new navy midi dress with the white flowers. ‘Mum, I’ve no idea where Henry gets his ruthless corporate finance streak from. Do you think his father worked on Wall Street?’

‘Hush, never mind that now dear,’ said Pat, fondly smoothing a stray lock of hair into her daughter’s chic, messy updo. ‘You’ve got Lee to think about. He’s a very lucky man. And you look lovely. Blue was always your colour. I never agreed with Rob when he said it was mauve.’

Suddenly, a cold fist gripped Helen’s heart. She wouldn’t think of that tonight. Or ever again… ‘Bye Mum, bye Henry,’ she said gaily, swallowing her nerves. ‘Don’t wait up...’

*

‘Oh Helen, you look so beautiful,’ said Lee. ‘Now we’ve eaten, are you sure you don’t need to go to the toilet to see my other Bruce Lee posters?’

Helen stretched like a happy cat on Lee’s squashy sofa, taking in the homely yet deceptively spacious flat with its typical masculine touches of underpants on the radiator and well-worn trainers by the kitchen door.

‘It’s all been perfect,’ she said. ‘The lamb was just pink enough, the smoked salmon blinis were delicious if perhaps a touch under-seasoned, and the tiramisu was lovely even if you didn’t make it yourself, you naughty boy!’

She wagged a finger at Lee and he laughed. He edged closer to her on the sofa and Helen allowed herself to sink into his arms, his kiss, the music he’d chosen specially for her playing softly … ‘Is this love? Is this love? Is this love?’ sang  Corinne Bailey Rae. All at once a searing memory forced its way into Helen’s brain and stabbed her like a knife… a knife…

‘Stop! Stop the music! Stop it now!’ she screamed, grabbing her bag and stumbling out of the flat, desperate to escape, leaving Lee mystified and upset. ‘Helen! Was it sitting on the blob of green glitter slime that put you off?’ he pleaded. ‘Was it because I didn’t have any wipes?’

But Helen was running down the street to the mini-cab office, her dream of happiness forgotten, Rob’s evil laugh ringing in her ears…

To be continued…