Tom's biz woes, veg wars and Russell's hearty breakfast...

Business ‘flying squad’ to save Bridge Farm?

A leading farming think-tank has suggested that an elite team of experts is needed to sort out the business plan for a local farm.

The Nuffield Scholarship advisory group says that Bridge Farm’s business activities, which include sub-standard cheese made with bought-in milk, a herd of hobby cows, a farm shop stocked with bought-in produce, labour-intensive veg boxes and a goats’ milk health drink that everyone agrees ‘tastes rank’ is the worst case of failed diversification it has ever seen.

‘We can normally help farms spot weaknesses and exploit opportunities, but Bridge Farm defeated us,’ said a Nuffield spokesman.

‘We suggested that Tom Archer could try agro-forestry, where you plant fruit or nut trees and grow crops on the same land. But Mr Archer’s sister Helen said her sons had seen enough agro already and flatly refused to consider it.’

The Nuffield group concluded that Bridge Farm’s problems are so deep-seated and intractable they need a ‘nuclear option’ to sort them out. ‘We’ve advised Mr Archer to call in Lord Sugar, Baroness Karren Brady, Alex Polizzi, Mary Portas and the entire Dragons’ Den team, but frankly we’re not hopeful,’ the spokesman said.  

  

College boost for Borchester store

With High Street department stores under pressure, Underwoods reported a welcome uptick in trade this week as parents shopped to equip their teenagers for life at university.

‘To be honest, when we heard that Jennifer Aldridge might be leaving the area, we thought it was the end for us,’ said a spokesperson. ‘But recent trading has been fantastic. For example, there was a dad buying up the store for his 18-year-old daughter, who’s going to Manchester. He piled the trolley with high-end homewares: Egyptian cotton linen, three-speed kettle, wok, tagine, grill, coffee maker, Villeroy & Boch dinner service for 12 – all in jewel colours – and then descended on the food hall and practically cleared our stock of organic groceries.

‘It was quite unusual, because while Dad chose it all, her mum paid for everything, but that’s modern life for you. That girl certainly won’t want for anything at college – and it looks like our Christmas bonus is on again!’  

Local mum to shun Flower & Produce Show

Helen Archer, whose abusive marriage was the subject of a dramatic court case two years ago, says she will be keeping her sons away from the Ambridge Flower & Produce Show because of its ‘toxic atmosphere’.

Tension is running high in the build-up to this year’s show, as veteran gardeners are said to be playing mind games and working on underhand strategies to help them carry off the prized rosettes.

‘Everyone is saying that Joe Grundy, Bert Fry and Cecil Jackson are at daggers drawn over their marrows, carrots and roses,’ said Ms Archer. ‘Henry, who’s seven, and Jack, two, are at a very impressionable age. And after all the violence and hostility they’ve seen, I’m not prepared to have them triggered by a fight over a giant parsnip.’

Health quiz:  how old is your heart?

Following the launch of Public Health England’s online test to assess your risk of heart disease, the Ambridge Observer has devised its own version, tailored to our local community. To find out your true ‘heart age’, answer the following questions and score 10 for each Yes, and 0 for each No.

1.     Is your son currently awaiting sentencing for drug-dealing?

2.     Are you training for a half-marathon fuelled solely on beer and crisps?

3.     Is your daughter about to set up home with a married man twice her age?

4.     Are you worried that your lemon drizzle might not be a winner in this year’s Flower and Produce Show?

5.     Have you recently turned down an ‘insulting offer’ for your family home of 40 years?

6.     Are you worried that the woman who has promised to be your surrogate may not return from Bulgaria?

7.     Do you worry that your new husband, who arrested a young man for drug-dealing while dressed as a Spice Girl on his stag do, is being unfairly shunned?

8.     Have you recently lost your alcohol licence and lucrative event bookings?

9.     Are you spending hours in the pub while your wife frets about selling your family home of 40 years?

10.  Has your artisan cheese been rejected by the chef of a local hotel, who you thought was your friend?

How did you get on?

Any score of 10 or more indicates you may be at increased risk of stress-related heart disease. If you scored 30 or more, seek medical help immediately. If you scored 0, so far, so good, but you can probably expect something majorly stressful to happen to you soon.

The secret desires of… Russell Jones

Award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater is back with a searing Autumn serial of passion and intrigue, set in Lower Loxley, the ancestral stately home of the Pargetters…

Russell stretched luxuriantly in Freddie Pargetter’s bed. The Jackson Pollock duvet cover was not to his taste and it smelt faintly of trainers and weed, but the fine cornicing and impressive Georgian sash windows of the room made up for that.  Of course, he would rather be in Lily’s neat, fragrant boudoir next door, but it wouldn’t do to épater la bourgeoise, in the disapproving form of Lily’s mother Elizabeth, just yet.

He slid out of bed, shivering slightly – he always slept naked – and slipped on his thigh-length robe, admiring the jewel colour of the emerald silk. Some might call it a shortie kimono, but he wouldn’t dream of such cultural appropriation.

Pushing his narrow feet, of which he was rather proud, into organic leather Bedouin slippers, he padded to the bathroom for his cold shower, followed by a brisk towelling and his saltwater and sunflower oil nasal gargle – his own, superior, version of the Ayurvedic ritual. His stomach rumbled; a sign that, as usual, his intestinal flora were perfectly in balance. It was a shame that the unpleasant scenes with Lara, and his rapid departure from the marital home, had prevented him preparing his customary bowl of overnight oats with soy milk, blueberries and chia. But some things are worth making sacrifices for, he reflected as he took a toothpick to a shred of smoked haddock caught in a molar, and thought of the beautiful young girl dreaming of him next door…

Note to Lavinia: darling, I really don’t think the readers can stand any more of this. They might not have had breakfast yet. Editor.

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