Horror at Home Farm and a double helping of baby joy

Toxic spill splits Home Farm partnership

Adam Macy (left) and Justin Elliott visit the toxic spill
site at Low Mead this week

The chemical leak that killed hundreds of fish in the River Am has caused a dramatic rift between Home Farm business partners Brian Aldridge and his stepson Adam Macy.
Mr Aldridge told friends at a drinks party this week he was 'confident' that the leak would be cleaned up quickly and the case resolved. 'Brian is Borsetshire Businessperson of the Year,' Latif  Hussein told The AmOb. 'He isn't going to be deflected every time a stone appears in his path.'
Mr Aldridge apologised to our reporter for being slow to return calls. 'I can't hear my phone as I have my fingers in my ears,' he said. 'Anyway, it's no one else's business and I am completely in control. La la la la la.'
But Adam Macy, who is well known for his passion for eco-friendly farming, said he was 'horrified' by the hazardous chemicals that have been found dumped in a disused pond on Home Farm. 'The guys told me they'd found TCE,' he said. 'I thought they meant TCP, which would have stung a bit but not been dangerous. But no – this stuff can damage the liver, the kidneys, the nervous system – is it any wonder I'm trying to pin down the legalities if our surrogate baby turns out to have birth defects?'
Justin Elliott of Damara Capital agreed he was 'deeply disturbed' by events at Home Farm. 'I have told Adam he has my full support,' he said. 'Brian Aldridge is taking a cavalier approach to this but it could ruin the reputation of not just Home Farm, but the whole area. My new housing development is called Buttercup Meadow, not Plague Village Park!'
The Environment Agency said it is bringing in specialist equipment to examine a number of rusty, unlabelled drums found in the pond.'It is too soon to say if there will be a criminal prosecution, but the maximum sentence for hazardous waste dumping is five years in prison,' said an official.

Stop press: have your say on river leak (probably)

Eddywud worried about de poisod id de Ab is idvited to a public beetig od Jaduary 31 at 7.30 p.ebb id de Village Hall. (Our reporter may have misquoted Neil Carter here: he had a very heavy cold. Ed.)

Ambridge grandees deny 'sleaze' allegations

Some of Ambridge's most respected figures were accused this week of attending secret, male-only parties at which huge sums of money are raised for the Grundy family (surely, charity? Ed).  Parish clerk Jim Lloyd and elder statesman Bert Fry are among those who are believed to be members of the 'Cider Club', where large amounts of cash change hands for bottles of vintage Tumble Tussock. 'They  say that there's massive corruption involved,' said a resident who wished not to be named. 'I attended one event but left early because I was uncomfortable – so would you be, sitting on broken-down deckchairs in a damp old shed. But I was told if I paid the club subscription, I would be able to join in with "apple picking sessions" – which I'm sure was code for something unspeakable.'
Joe Grundy of Grange Farm, where the parties are rumoured to be held, denied anything untoward took place. 'First of all, it's not men-only; Lilian Bellamy's a member,' he said. 'If she's feeling frisky she may take her cardi off but that's as far as it goes. And there's nothing wrong with a few like-minded gents getting together to savour the finest of Borsetshire produce. Can I interest you in a Gold membership, young gentleman of the press?'

Spa visitors get the silent treatment 

Guests who had booked treatments and retreats at Spiritual Home this week were left angry and disappointed as they found the premises had been closed without notice. 

'My sister and I paid £400 each for a hot stone massage, chakra realignment, vegan lunch, bikram yoga and gong lesson,' said Mrs Chloe James of Amersham. 'But when we arrived at the spa we found a note pinned to a yurt saying: 'Gone to South Africa to renew my maternal energies. Help  yourself to yerba maté tea, ladies, and have a dabble in the essential oils but please don't try to realign your own chakras as Spiritual Home cannot accept responsibility for the consequences. Love, strength and hope, Kate xx.'

'Frankly, this isn't good enough,' said Mrs James. 'My sister is going through a messy divorce and I thought this would cheer her up. But we ended up eating sausage rolls in Gregg's at Felpersham station. Not my idea of a treat.' 

  

Poetry Corner

Thank you to Borsetshire Laureate Bert Fry, for this moving poem about fatherhood.

When my Freda gave birth to Trevor
It was the best thing in my life ever.
But when she said she was in the family way,
I didn't quite know what to say!

I feared that I was still a lad,
Far too young to be a dad,
My Freda thought I was strong and steady,
But in my heart – I wasn't ready!

I told my dad, I couldn't stay,
Even said I wanted to run away!
He said: 'Young Bert, don't feel ashamed,
When I was your age I was just the same.

'It's what they call a rite of passage,
Like when you grew your first giant cabbage.
You thought it was no good at all,
But it was the biggest in the hall!'

So when young Toby Fairbrother confessed
He was getting a bit depressed
About the prospect of being a father,
I said: 'Toby, don't get in a lather,

You'll soon work out what to do,
This baby will be the making of you!
And even though Pip Archer isn't your wife,
You'll share the joy of this new life.'