Baby talk, business news and a false alarm

Nuclear warning is no threat 

Ambridge Parish Council activated its civil defence plan this week on fears that the village was about to be hit by a nuclear strike.

‘We heard a hooting, booming sound coming from Brookfield, and then a high-pitched keening near the village green,’ said Council chair Neil Carter. ‘We thought it was the four-minute warning. Bert Fry said he’d heard nothing like it since the Cuban missile crisis.

‘We got out the first aid box and mobilised the Mothers’ Union. But when we tried to requisition the Village Hall as a rest centre we found it was a false alarm. Turns out Peggy Woolley was calming down Jill Archer, who’d just heard that Pip was pregnant by Toby Fairbrother. Jill was sobbing and Peggy had trodden on a Siamese cat that someone had brought along for a talk. It was quite a racket.’

David Archer of Brookfield apologised for any distress caused by the alarming noises coming from his farm.

‘It’s all rather silly really,’ he said. ‘I probably sounded a bit cross. But what you heard was me yelling: ‘Nonononononononononooooooo I'm not upset about the baby!’ The whole family couldn’t be happier. Honestly.’  

Kefir flop sparks protest 

Staff at Bridge Farm are threatening a go-slow to protest against the company’s plan to discontinue production of kefir, a fermented milk drink targeting the healthy-eating market. 

Susan Carter, who helped develop the range, said she would work to rule on the yogurts, and have no truck with any new-fangled goats’ cheeses, until management reversed its decision.

‘I’ve put my own blood, sweat and tears into the kefir and I can vouch for the flavour,’ she said. ‘Helen and Tom need to show a bit more imagination in marketing it, that’s all.’

Mrs Carter said she was working on a guide to show how versatile kefir can be.

‘I find it’s a godsend around the house as well as in the fridge,’ she said. ‘You can use it as a hand cream, shaving mousse (including the sensitive bikini area) and hair conditioner, though if you use the hot brush it niffs a bit. My son Chris, who’s a farrier, swears by it to soften up his horses’ cuticles. And my hubby Neil says if you thicken it up it makes lovely grout.’

In a statement, Helen Archer said: ‘Sales of kefir have been disappointing, despite intensive marketing efforts. My mother and I couldn’t even give it away to the homeless at The Elms. Did I tell you we’re helping out there? So rewarding. Anyway, I’m the one with the flair for retail, so tough.’

Red faces over menu mix-up

Ian Craig, head chef at Grey Gables hotel, apologised this week after 'donor eggs' appeared as a choice on the breakfast menu.
'I was a wee bit preoccupied, so I was,' he admitted. 'A few guests complained and a couple asked if we did them over easy or sunny side up, which confused the breakfast chef no end. But one lady from Melton Mowbray left her card and said she might have half a dozen to spare. So it turned out for the best, sure enough.'

From the message boards

We drop in on the AmMums forum, to see what's got the online community talking:

Hey mums, so, can I share with you right now where my head's coming from? Since I've been pregnant I feel I need to connect with you guys on a deep and direct level. I really, really need to know everyone's thrilled for me. It's just not enough to mumble congratulations and shuffle off to feed the ewes. So hey, guys, let me turn this round. Just how pleased for me are you all? And am I right to feel, like, totally scared and also excited about this little Pipling I'm expecting? PreggersPip.

Hi Pip, welcome to the mums' forum!! You'll find we're a really friendly bunch, as long as you commit to breastfeed for three years and never, ever use a disposable nappy. You've got such a thrilling time ahead and it will be the best thing you've ever done – and of course it will be so much easier for you, what with not having to give birth to the child of a violent psychopath in prison, and all. Loads of mummy love. SoBlessedHelen.

Yes, make the most of this time, Pip, because when your child is older you'll know the true pain of motherhood. Noluthando was so sweet when I could wrap her up in a papoose and take her on drumming workshops. Now she's a monster – selfish, manipulative, rude, stubborn, narrow-minded and spiteful. Honestly, you'd think I'd abandoned her or something! I can't think where she gets it from. So I don't want to crush your chakras, Pip, but it's no picnic. Let me know if you'd like mates' rates on our 'Spiritual Mum' wellbeing package. KoolKate  

Hello ladies, hope you don't mind me dropping in here, but I'm so excited I just couldn't stop myself! Looks like Adam and I might be on our way to having our own wee one, now that Lexi is thinking about helping us out. Just a few financial hurdles to overcome but Adam says we'll be flexible. We love message boards; it's where we got all our advice about surrogacy. So much more friendly than going to lawyers, if you know what I mean? So is it OK if I hang around here with all you mums for a wee while? Daddy2BeIan.

Go away Ian! Everyone. 

New series: Brian means business 

Each week we'll bring you a top tip from Ambridge's very own Brian Aldridge, Borsetshire Businessperson of the Year. This week: choosing an agronomist.

Adam did a real bad deal with flaky green agronomists whose office is in an off location in Felpersham. Now he doesn't want to change to Hardys, who are all about the profits. Who needs all that dirty soil with worms in, anyway? He wanted me to have a vote. I said NO!! Then Jenny got cross. So I said, OK, but my vote's bigger than your vote. Sloppy Adam better watch out or he'll be looking for a job real soon.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

I just wanted to let your readers know how thrilled everyone at The Bull is about the news that my brother Dave is going be a granddad. At 58. And we're especially pleased to welcome Toby Fairbrother to the family. Old Tobes might be a flaky wastrel, but really, he's not so bad. Once Dave chills with the idea that he needn't bother with any of that father-of-the-bride stuff, he'll be fine! And as Toby's having nothing whatever to do with the baby, who cares that Dave's first grandchild will be 50 per cent Fairbrother! Jolene and I can't wait to hear the patter of little Fairbrother feet running round Brookfield. My mum Jill is beside herself as well. Can't stop talking about it, bless her. It honestly couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Way to go, Dave! You're welcome to wet the baby's head with a Scruff gin on the house any day. Though we'll all understand if you'd prefer to drink in the Ploughman's to avoid the public humiliation.

Yours sincerely
Kenton Archer