Horror at Home Farm and a double helping of baby joy

Toxic spill splits Home Farm partnership

Adam Macy (left) and Justin Elliott visit the toxic spill
site at Low Mead this week

The chemical leak that killed hundreds of fish in the River Am has caused a dramatic rift between Home Farm business partners Brian Aldridge and his stepson Adam Macy.
Mr Aldridge told friends at a drinks party this week he was 'confident' that the leak would be cleaned up quickly and the case resolved. 'Brian is Borsetshire Businessperson of the Year,' Latif  Hussein told The AmOb. 'He isn't going to be deflected every time a stone appears in his path.'
Mr Aldridge apologised to our reporter for being slow to return calls. 'I can't hear my phone as I have my fingers in my ears,' he said. 'Anyway, it's no one else's business and I am completely in control. La la la la la.'
But Adam Macy, who is well known for his passion for eco-friendly farming, said he was 'horrified' by the hazardous chemicals that have been found dumped in a disused pond on Home Farm. 'The guys told me they'd found TCE,' he said. 'I thought they meant TCP, which would have stung a bit but not been dangerous. But no – this stuff can damage the liver, the kidneys, the nervous system – is it any wonder I'm trying to pin down the legalities if our surrogate baby turns out to have birth defects?'
Justin Elliott of Damara Capital agreed he was 'deeply disturbed' by events at Home Farm. 'I have told Adam he has my full support,' he said. 'Brian Aldridge is taking a cavalier approach to this but it could ruin the reputation of not just Home Farm, but the whole area. My new housing development is called Buttercup Meadow, not Plague Village Park!'
The Environment Agency said it is bringing in specialist equipment to examine a number of rusty, unlabelled drums found in the pond.'It is too soon to say if there will be a criminal prosecution, but the maximum sentence for hazardous waste dumping is five years in prison,' said an official.

Stop press: have your say on river leak (probably)

Eddywud worried about de poisod id de Ab is idvited to a public beetig od Jaduary 31 at 7.30 p.ebb id de Village Hall. (Our reporter may have misquoted Neil Carter here: he had a very heavy cold. Ed.)

Ambridge grandees deny 'sleaze' allegations

Some of Ambridge's most respected figures were accused this week of attending secret, male-only parties at which huge sums of money are raised for the Grundy family (surely, charity? Ed).  Parish clerk Jim Lloyd and elder statesman Bert Fry are among those who are believed to be members of the 'Cider Club', where large amounts of cash change hands for bottles of vintage Tumble Tussock. 'They  say that there's massive corruption involved,' said a resident who wished not to be named. 'I attended one event but left early because I was uncomfortable – so would you be, sitting on broken-down deckchairs in a damp old shed. But I was told if I paid the club subscription, I would be able to join in with "apple picking sessions" – which I'm sure was code for something unspeakable.'
Joe Grundy of Grange Farm, where the parties are rumoured to be held, denied anything untoward took place. 'First of all, it's not men-only; Lilian Bellamy's a member,' he said. 'If she's feeling frisky she may take her cardi off but that's as far as it goes. And there's nothing wrong with a few like-minded gents getting together to savour the finest of Borsetshire produce. Can I interest you in a Gold membership, young gentleman of the press?'

Spa visitors get the silent treatment 

Guests who had booked treatments and retreats at Spiritual Home this week were left angry and disappointed as they found the premises had been closed without notice. 

'My sister and I paid £400 each for a hot stone massage, chakra realignment, vegan lunch, bikram yoga and gong lesson,' said Mrs Chloe James of Amersham. 'But when we arrived at the spa we found a note pinned to a yurt saying: 'Gone to South Africa to renew my maternal energies. Help  yourself to yerba maté tea, ladies, and have a dabble in the essential oils but please don't try to realign your own chakras as Spiritual Home cannot accept responsibility for the consequences. Love, strength and hope, Kate xx.'

'Frankly, this isn't good enough,' said Mrs James. 'My sister is going through a messy divorce and I thought this would cheer her up. But we ended up eating sausage rolls in Gregg's at Felpersham station. Not my idea of a treat.' 

  

Poetry Corner

Thank you to Borsetshire Laureate Bert Fry, for this moving poem about fatherhood.

When my Freda gave birth to Trevor
It was the best thing in my life ever.
But when she said she was in the family way,
I didn't quite know what to say!

I feared that I was still a lad,
Far too young to be a dad,
My Freda thought I was strong and steady,
But in my heart – I wasn't ready!

I told my dad, I couldn't stay,
Even said I wanted to run away!
He said: 'Young Bert, don't feel ashamed,
When I was your age I was just the same.

'It's what they call a rite of passage,
Like when you grew your first giant cabbage.
You thought it was no good at all,
But it was the biggest in the hall!'

So when young Toby Fairbrother confessed
He was getting a bit depressed
About the prospect of being a father,
I said: 'Toby, don't get in a lather,

You'll soon work out what to do,
This baby will be the making of you!
And even though Pip Archer isn't your wife,
You'll share the joy of this new life.'

Toxic shock for Jenny, public health crisis and kefir kicks on

Ambridge hit by health scare…

Officials claimed this week that Ambridge faces an epidemic that could have serious consequences for public wellbeing.

The number of reported cases of maturity in the village has shot up, stretching the authorities’ resources of credulity to the limits.

‘Normally in winter we’d expect to see a slight uptick in maturity, such as Alice going for Dry January, or Adam taking one of Brian’s decisions with good grace,’ said Dr Vita Minns of Public Health Borsetshire (PHB).

‘But we thought it might be serious this year when Tom Archer actually listened to Susan Carter’s marketing ideas instead of stomping off to sulk with the pigs. Then we heard that Toby Fairbrother had faced up to his responsibilities as a parent and had an adult conversation with David Archer. We mobilised resources, but even we were overwhelmed when Kate Madikane admitted she was a terrible mother and vowed to put her children first.’

PHB advises people not to panic, but to check on friends and family and report anyone who shows signs of unexpected maturity.

‘Exposure to people who have been vaccinated against maturity, such as Lilian Bellamy and Eddie Grundy, may confer herd immunity,’ said Dr Minns. ‘But if this outbreak spreads, there will be nothing at all to gossip about in Ambridge, which would be an unthinkable catastrophe.’

… as the Am is out of bounds

Residents were warned to stay away from the river Am this week as Environment Agency staff continued their investigation into the contamination incident that has killed hundreds of fish.

‘We were alerted by local resident Kirsty Miller, who was wild swimming in the river,’ said a spokesperson. ‘She seems to have had no ill effects, but we are keeping her in quarantine at Porton Down just in case. Whatever killed the fish is clearly very toxic. Until we have identified and cleared the source, we’re asking dog walkers, swimmers and anglers to stay away.’

The spokesperson added: ‘If anyone has poisoned the otters that have been spotted in the Am lately, we will hunt them down like a dog.’

Kefir kicks on as Archer readies relaunch

The Bridge Farm brand of kefir, which was withdrawn last week after disappointing sales, is set for a revival as owner Tom Archer prepares to unveil a rebrand.

‘As you know, I’ve been travelling the world on my Nuffield marketing scholarship,’ he said. ‘And I’ve learned that a truly disruptive insight can give you the potential to drive brand strategy and impact growth.

‘And this week I had my breakthrough. Susan Carter pointed out that kefir tastes absolutely rank! This gave us a whole new platform to build kefir as a remedy, rather than a drink.’

Mr Archer said the new-look product would be packaged in small bottles and sold at a premium price to reflect its healthy credentials. ‘Bert Fry came up with a great new strapline,’ he said. ‘“It tastes like poo but it’s good for you, and Bridge Farm kefir cures rashes too!” We’re also exploring openings in the detox enema market…’ (That’s more than enough. Ed.)

All round to Mrs Woolley's!

Following the appointment of a Minister for Loneliness this week, a member of Ambridge Women’s Institute has come up with a novel idea to help older people to socialise.

‘It’s called ‘Netflix and Chilblains,’ said Mrs Peggy Woolley, 93. ‘At least, I think that’s what my great-granddaughter Noluthando said. She showed me how to do it with my tablet and the TV. You can invite your friends round to watch any film you like! As long as I remember to select the AV input on my remote control. Otherwise you get stuck on the shopping channel and that makes my housemate Christine cry because she can’t afford anything since Matt Crawford stole all her money. Not that she likes me to mention it.’

Your week in the stars

What does fate have in store for readers this week? Our resident astrologer Janet Planet has the answers…

Cancer

Prospective parents will be anxious for the Moon to be in the fifth house of Venus or Jupiter, as these alignments are propitious for healthy pregnancy. (Where does she get this tosh? Ed.) But be patient! Expect your chosen mum-to-be to need a few more dinners of salmon tikka, okra and romantic anguish before she agrees to have your baby.

Scorpio

The past catches up with ambitious Scorpios, who could learn the hard way that pride goes before a fall. Be sure to take legal advice on a pending investigation into your past business practices, or Jupiter, the planet of money and wealth, is likely to go completely retrograde into Uranus.

Sagittarius

Success is bittersweet for young Sagittarians this week. Excitement at passing your maths GCSE resit at the sixth attempt will be shortlived once your mother finds out you are using your new-found skills to price up bags of dodgy pills to sell to your friends.

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: Jenny Aldridgovich

Environmental thriller. Despite her lack of formal education, brave eco-campaigner Jenny builds a case against business mogul Justin Elliott, to accuse him of selling contaminated land to her family and poisoning the local river.

But Jenny finds she has unleashed dangerous forces when it turns out to be her husband Brian’s fault and the Aldridgovichs face a multi-million pound compensation bill. Can daughter Kate and granddaughter Noluthando save the family with their cool, contemporary brand of Xhosa spa treatments?

Warning: contains distressing scenes as Jenny contemplates having to sell Home Farm and move into a yurt without a wine fridge or even an Aga.

  

Baby talk, business news and a false alarm

Nuclear warning is no threat 

Ambridge Parish Council activated its civil defence plan this week on fears that the village was about to be hit by a nuclear strike.

‘We heard a hooting, booming sound coming from Brookfield, and then a high-pitched keening near the village green,’ said Council chair Neil Carter. ‘We thought it was the four-minute warning. Bert Fry said he’d heard nothing like it since the Cuban missile crisis.

‘We got out the first aid box and mobilised the Mothers’ Union. But when we tried to requisition the Village Hall as a rest centre we found it was a false alarm. Turns out Peggy Woolley was calming down Jill Archer, who’d just heard that Pip was pregnant by Toby Fairbrother. Jill was sobbing and Peggy had trodden on a Siamese cat that someone had brought along for a talk. It was quite a racket.’

David Archer of Brookfield apologised for any distress caused by the alarming noises coming from his farm.

‘It’s all rather silly really,’ he said. ‘I probably sounded a bit cross. But what you heard was me yelling: ‘Nonononononononononooooooo I'm not upset about the baby!’ The whole family couldn’t be happier. Honestly.’  

Kefir flop sparks protest 

Staff at Bridge Farm are threatening a go-slow to protest against the company’s plan to discontinue production of kefir, a fermented milk drink targeting the healthy-eating market. 

Susan Carter, who helped develop the range, said she would work to rule on the yogurts, and have no truck with any new-fangled goats’ cheeses, until management reversed its decision.

‘I’ve put my own blood, sweat and tears into the kefir and I can vouch for the flavour,’ she said. ‘Helen and Tom need to show a bit more imagination in marketing it, that’s all.’

Mrs Carter said she was working on a guide to show how versatile kefir can be.

‘I find it’s a godsend around the house as well as in the fridge,’ she said. ‘You can use it as a hand cream, shaving mousse (including the sensitive bikini area) and hair conditioner, though if you use the hot brush it niffs a bit. My son Chris, who’s a farrier, swears by it to soften up his horses’ cuticles. And my hubby Neil says if you thicken it up it makes lovely grout.’

In a statement, Helen Archer said: ‘Sales of kefir have been disappointing, despite intensive marketing efforts. My mother and I couldn’t even give it away to the homeless at The Elms. Did I tell you we’re helping out there? So rewarding. Anyway, I’m the one with the flair for retail, so tough.’

Red faces over menu mix-up

Ian Craig, head chef at Grey Gables hotel, apologised this week after 'donor eggs' appeared as a choice on the breakfast menu.
'I was a wee bit preoccupied, so I was,' he admitted. 'A few guests complained and a couple asked if we did them over easy or sunny side up, which confused the breakfast chef no end. But one lady from Melton Mowbray left her card and said she might have half a dozen to spare. So it turned out for the best, sure enough.'

From the message boards

We drop in on the AmMums forum, to see what's got the online community talking:

Hey mums, so, can I share with you right now where my head's coming from? Since I've been pregnant I feel I need to connect with you guys on a deep and direct level. I really, really need to know everyone's thrilled for me. It's just not enough to mumble congratulations and shuffle off to feed the ewes. So hey, guys, let me turn this round. Just how pleased for me are you all? And am I right to feel, like, totally scared and also excited about this little Pipling I'm expecting? PreggersPip.

Hi Pip, welcome to the mums' forum!! You'll find we're a really friendly bunch, as long as you commit to breastfeed for three years and never, ever use a disposable nappy. You've got such a thrilling time ahead and it will be the best thing you've ever done – and of course it will be so much easier for you, what with not having to give birth to the child of a violent psychopath in prison, and all. Loads of mummy love. SoBlessedHelen.

Yes, make the most of this time, Pip, because when your child is older you'll know the true pain of motherhood. Noluthando was so sweet when I could wrap her up in a papoose and take her on drumming workshops. Now she's a monster – selfish, manipulative, rude, stubborn, narrow-minded and spiteful. Honestly, you'd think I'd abandoned her or something! I can't think where she gets it from. So I don't want to crush your chakras, Pip, but it's no picnic. Let me know if you'd like mates' rates on our 'Spiritual Mum' wellbeing package. KoolKate  

Hello ladies, hope you don't mind me dropping in here, but I'm so excited I just couldn't stop myself! Looks like Adam and I might be on our way to having our own wee one, now that Lexi is thinking about helping us out. Just a few financial hurdles to overcome but Adam says we'll be flexible. We love message boards; it's where we got all our advice about surrogacy. So much more friendly than going to lawyers, if you know what I mean? So is it OK if I hang around here with all you mums for a wee while? Daddy2BeIan.

Go away Ian! Everyone. 

New series: Brian means business 

Each week we'll bring you a top tip from Ambridge's very own Brian Aldridge, Borsetshire Businessperson of the Year. This week: choosing an agronomist.

Adam did a real bad deal with flaky green agronomists whose office is in an off location in Felpersham. Now he doesn't want to change to Hardys, who are all about the profits. Who needs all that dirty soil with worms in, anyway? He wanted me to have a vote. I said NO!! Then Jenny got cross. So I said, OK, but my vote's bigger than your vote. Sloppy Adam better watch out or he'll be looking for a job real soon.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

I just wanted to let your readers know how thrilled everyone at The Bull is about the news that my brother Dave is going be a granddad. At 58. And we're especially pleased to welcome Toby Fairbrother to the family. Old Tobes might be a flaky wastrel, but really, he's not so bad. Once Dave chills with the idea that he needn't bother with any of that father-of-the-bride stuff, he'll be fine! And as Toby's having nothing whatever to do with the baby, who cares that Dave's first grandchild will be 50 per cent Fairbrother! Jolene and I can't wait to hear the patter of little Fairbrother feet running round Brookfield. My mum Jill is beside herself as well. Can't stop talking about it, bless her. It honestly couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Way to go, Dave! You're welcome to wet the baby's head with a Scruff gin on the house any day. Though we'll all understand if you'd prefer to drink in the Ploughman's to avoid the public humiliation.

Yours sincerely
Kenton Archer  

Kate is devastated, Lexi is in demand and Gove spills the beans...

Minister makes headlines with shock speech

Environment Secretary Michael Gove left farmers reeling with his shock announcement at the Oxford Farming Conference this week.

‘I had no idea it would have such an impact,’ he told the Ambridge Observer. ‘I honestly thought everyone in the farming world knew that Pip Archer of Brookfield is pregnant. I just wanted to congratulate her. In fact I’d drafted the line: ‘She’s a fine young hogget and I’m sure she’ll have an easy calving’ – to show I’ve got all the agro-economicky words – but my SPAD crossed it out of my speech.’

Brian Aldridge of Home Farm, who attended the conference, said he was ‘deeply insulted’ by Mr Gove’s performance. ‘I went up to him with a copy of the Borchester Echo and suggested a selfie,’ he said. ‘Mr Gove said he’d be delighted and asked where would I like him to sign the paper! The idiot had no idea I was graciously offering him the chance to be photographed with the Borsetshire Businessperson of the Year. Even when I showed him Christian Wyver’s wonderful article about me he seemed none the wiser. In fact his minders ushered me away. No wonder the country is in such a mess.’

Coffee break with… Lexi Viktorova

In our occasional series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with the new front-of-house manager at Grey Gables Hotel.

Q The New Year’s Eve party at Grey Gables was a triumph, Lexi. You must have been very pleased?

A Oh yes, it was delightful event. In Bulgaria on New Year’s Eve we eat pig’s head and at midnight we hit each other on the back with cherry branches. Is fun. Here is more – how you say – sedate – but I ensure staff work hard and everyone has good time.

Q How do you like working at Grey Gables?

A It is wonderful and the staff are so friendly. For example, on New Year’s Eve the manager, Roy, who is my boyfriend, kept trying to give me a necklace. I said: ‘Wait, you naughty boy! It contravenes hotel jewellery policy and I have clean uniform on.’ But he managed it with his big fingers just before the fireworks went off. Was very romantic.

Q And what about the other staff? Chef Ian Craig is making quite a name for himself, isn’t he?

A Ian is talented chef and lovely person. Always thinks of others. You know, he is so keen for me to stay in U.K., he asked me to be surrogate mother for his baby? I say: surely applying for new work visa would be enough, Ian! But he and Adam say they would rather ask me than go through normal channels to have baby. I say: my channel is quite normal: ask Roy! How we laugh. Roy, not so much.  Excellent staff relations like this are rare in Britain, I think.

Lynda the goat or Lynda Snell?

Since Pat and Tony Archer named one of their new goats Lynda, several readers  have contacted the Ambridge Observer to ask how they can avoid confusing her with Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell. So here’s our at-a-glance guide:

Lynda the goat	Lynda Snell
Female	Female
Stubborn	Stubborn
Bleats annoyingly	Bleats annoyingly
Four legs	Two legs
Smells ‘goaty’	Smells of aromatherapy oils
Wears a fur coat	Wears a hi-vis jacket
Lives in a goat hut	Relaxes in a shepherd’s hut
Doesn’t mind being handled	Doesn’t like having her chakras fiddled with
Has a whiskery chin	How dare you! Just because I’ve been a little laissez-faire in the waxing department…

The Trials of Kate Madikane

In the latest chapter of our searing family saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine is cut to the very quick…  

‘Lovely eyeshadow, Noluthando!’ ‘Yeah, mum, it’s Magic Mushroom shade!’ her daughter giggled, uncontrollably. ‘Oh darling – I’m so glad you’re using vegan make-up.’ Kate’s heart swelled with pride. Noluthando was so – what was it the young people said? – woke, yes, that was it. How lucky she was to have a such a modern, youthful mum. ‘Here, let me try!’ Kate said, taking the brush and painting thick stripes across her face, in the style that had wowed them all at Glastonbury 1998. ‘This is going to be the best New Year’s Eve EVER! You and me, rocking out to Freddie’s beats…’ ‘You know, mum – you don’t have to come,’ said Noluthando with a frown. ‘I don’t really want you there with all my friends…’ Kate stopped, midway through painting a bright red peace symbol on top of the stripes. ‘Whyever not darling?’ Suddenly, she realised. ‘Oh, I see,’ she sighed, patting Noluthando’s hand gently. ‘You needn’t worry I’ll steal all the limelight, sweetie. I know I can be quite… dazzling… but I’ll tone it down so boys will ask you to dance as well…’ Noluthando ran screaming from the room. ‘That’s right, darling,’ Kate beamed at her reflection. ‘Shake out all that stress before our big night!’

*

‘Oh mum, it’s so unfair!’ Kate sat up in bed to let Jennifer settle a tray of camomile tea and toast on her lap. ‘Why is Noluthando so horrid to me? All I wanted was for her to have her birthday party in the yurts, with the firepit and bongos and vegan barbecue! But she says I just don’t ‘get’ her! How selfish can you be?’ ‘Well, darling,’ said her mother, spreading almond butter on Kate’s toast. ‘You are the adult, you know. You need to reach out to Noluthando if you want to make the most of your time together.’  ‘Hmm, you may be right,’ said Kate, sipping her tea thoughtfully. ‘But how am I supposed to be a good mum when you haven’t even cut my toast into soldiers?’ ‘Sorry, darling,’ Jennifer sighed …

*

Bursting with positive energy, Kate marched into the foyer of Borchester College. What a difference her change of attitude had made! She quickly spied Noluthando with Freddie Pargetter, who was handing a small packet to a couple of boys. ‘Yeah, they’re E, lads,’ Freddie was saying. ‘Quality guaranteed!’ This was even better than Kate thought. Noluthando had become so committed to people’s wellbeing, she was encouraging her friends to take vitamins! ‘Darling!’ she called out. Freddie and the boys turned pale and ran off. Still got it, Kate! she smiled to herself. ‘Come on Noluthando – I’m taking you out for coffee!’ 

They were soon settled in the Chippy Hipster, chatting like a proper mum and daughter. ‘I just wanted to say darling, how proud I was of you for giving Lynda Snell that special Xhosa healing treatment,’ Kate said. 'What's your secret?' To her astonishment, Noluthando laughed so loud she almost spat out her strawberry meringue. ‘I made it up, mum! You don’t think I actually believe in all that stuff, do you?’ Kate felt her chakras wobbling dangerously. ‘You mean… you think Spiritual Home is just a sham?’ ‘Got it in one! You’re not as dumb as I thought!’ Noluthando hissed at her. ‘If you wanted to show how much you care, maybe you should have tried harder to be a mother to Sipho and me!’ 

And with that she pulled on her coat and swept out of the café. Kate crumpled in her seat, crying bitter tears into her tofu and banana muffin… Eventually she got out her phone. ‘Mum – oh mum, come and get me!’ she sobbed into Jennifer’s mystified ear…