Oliver’s secret is out and Lilian… oh, Lilian! A heart-stopping week in Ambridge

Grandma safe after leaf encounter 

A great-grandmother had to be rescued from a tree in Ambridge this week as an incident described as a ‘party prank’ went badly wrong.

Mrs Peggy Woolley, 93, was said to be ‘shocked, but miraculously unhurt’ after being coaxed down from the horse chestnut by paramedics. She was at a party given by her granddaughter Alice Carter when she suddenly leapt from her chair and shinned up the tree, according to guests.

‘I can’t think what came over her,’ said Mrs Woolley’s daughter Jennifer Aldridge. ‘Alice and Tracy Horrobin had already climbed the tree pretending to be Superwoman and Tarzan – all very silly, and dangerous really.

‘Mum had heartburn – I’d warned her not to risk Susan Carter’s canapés but she insisted – and Alice said she had some pills that would do the trick. Mum took one, and 10 minutes later she was swinging from branch to branch saying she wanted to find her inner gibbon!’

News in brief

• Bridge Farm should plough up its mature woodland to grow coconut palms, according to an expert on kefir, the fashionable fermented yogurt. ‘It makes sense because coconut milk is ever so pricey in Waitrose,’ said Susan Carter. ‘And what with global warming the trees should shoot up in no time. I really don’t know why Tom Archer is doing this Nuffield Scholarship thingy when he could stay at home and take advantage of my flair for product development.’

• Latif Hussein, leading local racehorse trainer, has awarded his locum work to Ambridge vets Alistair Lloyd and Anisha Jayakody. ‘We have my wife Shula to thank really,’ said Mr Lloyd. ‘She cornered Mr Hussein in the stables when he came to visit and threatened him with her hunting whip until he agreed to take us on. But Anisha did very well too. By the time she’d finished describing how she removed a fractured splint bone his eyes had glazed over and he was desperate to sign the contract.’

• Home Farm has struck a deal with local tech firm Pryce Baumann to trial its new tractor-mounted crops sensor. ‘It will be able to tell us which parts of a field are under-performing,’ said Brian Aldridge. ‘Perfect for spotting when Adam is skiving off to moan about me with his aunt Lilian when he should be muck-spreading.’

 

New series: Love Lines

You: Tracy the crazy lady with tattoos, busting some moves at the Carters’ party. Me: older guy, band T-shirt, can of lager. We clicked on the dance floor, then you passed out in the fishpond. Call me to hook up for LOLZ and more? Ronnie.

To the fit farrier: I’m just a voice on the phone to you, when you ring up to make excuses for your airhead wife again. If Alice is going to throw a sickie, she shouldn’t choose the day after the party she didn’t invite me to. If only you could see you’d be happier with me! I’d never get drunk and embarrass you and can’t wait to give up this terrible job to have babies. You’ve got my number… Melissa.

Oliver: so sorry we couldn’t make it work. I know you don’t want anyone to know you’re selling Grey Gables but no one will read this so if you change your mind, call me. You won’t get a better deal and I just love the hotel’s olde worlde charm – and yours! Marian.    

Borsetshire Community Cinema

Showing this week: Last Tango in Grey Gables.

Two senior citizens meet at a viewing for a house they would both like to buy. Reminding her how they used to love doing dodgy property deals, he persuades her to go his hotel suite with champagne and asks for a last kiss before he disappears from her life forever (again). She is torn between her ex, her trusting fiancé and her nephew waiting petulantly for his dinner in reception. It can only end in tears… (Contains some scenes unsuitable for family viewing).  

Pet of the week

Meet Ambridge’s cutest pup, a birthday gift from Matt Crawford to Lilian Bellamy. We’d love to see her in a little Santa hat, as a ring bearer when Lilian weds hunky Damara Capital boss Justin Elliott at Christmas! (Steady on. This isn’t Hello! Magazine. Ed)  

Name: Ruby

Lives at: The Dower House

Likes: Lakey Hill; Denise the veterinary nurse

Dislikes: her lead, economy dog food

Do say: ‘She adores you, Justin’

Don’t say: ‘Wonder if she’s missing Matt Crawford?’