Emma is furious, Anisha is fuming and Freddie fails again – feelings run high in Ambridge

Council gives green light to housing

Plans for the housing development at Bridge Farm took a step nearer reality this week as Ambridge Parish Council approved the proposals. Councillors were swayed by an impassioned speech from Mrs Emma Grundy, who said she was so desperate for an affordable home, she would put up with neighbours from Wimberton, Farndale or Little Croxley.

Developer Justin Elliott reassured an outraged audience that things would never be that bad, but Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall claimed he had misled the village. ‘We were expecting a few picturesque, tumbledown cottages,’ she said. ‘Now you tell us these people will need running water, electricity and sewers. Whatever next – a helicopter pad?’

Mrs Snell and Jennifer Aldridge, who expressed concern about ‘riff raff with limited means and unsavoury habits’ coming to Ambridge, said they would continue with their objections.  ‘Justin Elliott and I are both fans of Herman Melville,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘But I think he will find he is Captain Ahab to my Moby Dick.’

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal brain, Auntie Satya is back to solve all your emotional and practical dilemmas.

Dear Auntie Satya,

Driving from my home into Ambridge one evening last week I saw our new young female vet struggling to haul a dead deer off the road. Once I had established that it wasn’t one of our deer, and that she wasn’t a poacher, I left her to it, explaining that I was wearing my new kitten heels. She seemed rather put out. Did I do the right thing? Jenny A.

Dear Jenny,

In your longer letter you tell me you were hurrying to get to a Parish Council meeting, to voice your objections to a new housing development. Why stop to help someone, when you could be denying young local couples the chance of a home of their own? As I always say to my niece Usha, it is so important to be true to yourself and so it seems to me on this occasion you acted entirely in character.

Dear Auntie Satya,

This week I found out my business partner is a former gambler and horse doper, and my best client is a blackmailer who has done time for fraud. I told my boyfriend Rex I was so disillusioned I felt I had to leave Ambridge, but he just laughed and took me up Lakey Hill in the dark with a head torch. What do you advise? Anisha J.

Dear Anisha,

Do not worry, my dear; this behaviour is perfectly normal for Ambridge. Many young people find being taken up Lakey Hill gives them a whole new perspective on life, although I admit the head torch is a novel addition. Your boyfriend sounds very sensible and I’m sure you both feel refreshed after your moonlit adventure.

Dear Auntie Satya,

I have just paid off the business loan on my forge and my wife Alice and I are throwing a party to celebrate in the lovely cottage her parents gave us. We plan to invite our friends Fallon and Harrison, who are buying their own home, and my sister Emma and her husband, who currently face eviction from their rented farmhouse. But Emma accused me of being an arrogant git and has refused the invitation, which is a shame as Alice was hoping she’d do the canapés at mates' rates. Why is she being so difficult? Chris C. 

Dear Chris,

I think you will find, if you re-read your letter, that you have answered your own question.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

I thought your readers might like to know how generous Caroline Sterling, who recently died so sadly in Italy, has been to many of her friends in Ambridge. Such a modest lady, she really wouldn’t want everyone to know, but I feel it’s the least I can do, seeing as she didn’t leave anything to me and Neil.

I have learned (by asking intrusive questions and checking bank statements when necessary) that she left £1,000 each to Ed and Will Grundy, £2,000 to Shula Hebden Lloyd, and £750 each to Ian Craig, Roy Tucker and Lynda Snell.

Unfortunately she seems to have forgotten her husband Oliver, who is down to his last handful of euros and is having his credit cards declined.

So could I also take this opportunity to warn my fellow retailers to watch him around their high-ticket items. Grief does terrible things to a person and no one wants to see the poor man arrested for shoplifting.

Yours truly

Susan Carter (Mrs)

Poem of the week

Thank you to Freddie Pargetter, 17, of Lower Loxley for sending us this very moving (and frankly, surprising) piece of work.

  

Again and again and again

Strawberries, the ones I picked,

squashed and rotten as the eyes

of that dead deer I didn’t run over

on the road near Home Farm.

Ruined strawberries. Adam

will be cross with me.

Again.

It was probably Lily; she drives

so fast; runs over people’s

feelings. Passed her test, not like me.

I fail at everything. Failed my

AS Levels. Failed my Maths GCSE.

Again.

Lily bought Phoebe a pregnancy test.

Negative. Like my life. 

It wasn't me. I'd fail at that too,

it’s what I do. But that Sonja,

she smiled at me today. Maybe

I’ll ask her out. Hope she doesn’t say no.

Again.