Shock as piggery plans are leaked
Borchester Land is readying plans to house more than 15,000
pigs and 500 breeding sows on the site of the Berrow Farm mega-dairy, The Ambridge Observer can exclusively
reveal.
It’s believed that Justin Elliott and Brian Aldridge were
aiming to sneak the plans past residents next week, while environmental
activist Lynda Snell is away celebrating her birthday in Florence.
But thanks to our source, who overheard the BL board members
talking while PAT-testing kettles in
the fruit pickers’ caravans at Home Farm, we can report that the huge indoor
pig unit could be up and running within a few months.
It is believed that much of the infrastructure for an
intensive livestock operation is still in place, with the anaerobic digester
ready to handle the vast amounts of slurry that would be generated.
Borchester Land initially refused our requests for a
statement, and Brian Aldridge was unavailable as he was acting as temporary
co-ordinator for the Speedwatch scheme, according to his wife Jennifer. ‘Oh
dear, I was afraid this would get out,’ she said. ‘I won’t be able to go to the
shops now without someone button-holing me about this. And poor Lynda! She was
looking forward to enjoying the Chiostro dello Scalzo (what this? Ed) without a care in the world, and now she’ll be
coming back to a sea of – well, you know!’
However, as The
Ambridge Observer went to press, Mr Elliott issued a comment.
‘Residents of Ambridge have no need to be concerned,’ he
said. ‘It is in my own interests to look after beautiful surroundings. This is
why I have arranged for a forestry contractor to manage the Millennium Wood,
where my fiancée Lilian and I love to walk and ride, and why I am siting the
pig unit at Berrow Farm, where I never go unless I have to and where the only
neighbours are a light engineering firm and Price Baumann with their ridiculous
drones.’
Single wicket hots up
This year’s Ambridge Single Wicket contest, on Bank Holiday
Monday, is set to be more competitive than ever. The event is being targeted by
female cricketers who feel they have a point to prove after being left out of several
matches already this season.
‘The girls are taking it very seriously,’ said one insider. ‘Lily
Pargetter is having private coaching with Johnny Phillips, and Anisha Jayakody
has lined up Barry Simmons to help with her bowling. It looks like there’s some
needle between those two, but my money’s on Anisha. After cheating to beat
Jazzer in a drinking contest, who knows what she’d do to get her mitts on the
Mark Hebden trophy?’
Scruff Gin readies marketing push
Jolene and Kenton Archer of The Bull are investing a ‘three-figure
sum’ to promote Scruff Gin, the artisan brand produced by Toby Fairbrother at
Hollowtree. The spend is believed to include posters, coasters (rewrite to avoid rhyme. Who do you think you
are – Pam Ayres? Ed) cocktail umbrellas and a loyalty card scheme
(pictured).
‘If customers buy nine bottles of Scruff, the tenth is on
us!’ said Kenton Archer. ‘We have a slight logistical issue as Toby has only
made eight bottles so far, but we’re sure there’s plenty more in the pipeline.’
‘I’ve defined a clear profile of my target customer,’ said
Mr Fairbrother. ‘She’s a young, confident farmer, sure of herself, very sexy,
with the sun streaming through her blonde hair as she drains a tractor sump… That’s
my Scruff girl! And this scheme is designed to get her so drunk she won’t even
remember that she dumped me.’
Speedwatch team file first reports
As the first Speedwatch patrols begin operations in
Ambridge, Borsetshire Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has released a
sample report to show just how effective it is proving. ‘It is a shame there
were no actual offences recorded, but I am pleased to see my deputy Derek
Fletcher performed his monitoring duties very well,’ said scheme co-ordinator
Mrs Lynda Snell.
Wednesday May 24
Patrol: Mrs J. Aldridge, Mrs L. Bellamy
6.30pm Arrive at monitoring station
6.45pm Erect warning sign (hard to get the hang of it)
6.50pm Derek Fletcher
6.53pm Gemma Hawkins, looking vexed
6.55pm Speeding car – 37 mph! Reg number TAB? TAV? Sorry…
7.00pm Derek Fletcher again
7.03pm Tea break
7.10pm Derek Fletcher again
7.15pm Adam Macy on his way home. Coo-ee, Adam!
7.20pm Usha Franks, working late, poor thing
7.29pm 43 m.p.h PC Harrison Burns
The rest of this report has been redacted by the Borsetshire
Rural Crime Unit.
From the message boards
This week we drop in on the Ambridge Teen Forum, to see what
the younger generation are chatting about online…
• OMG!! I asked Amber to go to the Isle of Wight Festival
with me and she said yes! Seems she’s a massive David Guetta fan. Haven’t told
her about sharing a tent yet but I’m sure we’ll get on OK. Thanks Lily! If you’d
not pushed me into it I’d never have asked her. JohnnyP.
• Oh right, so Amber’s the lucky girl, is she? Don’t tell
her you’ve no idea who David Guetta is and you’ll be doing dad-dancing to Rod
Stewart! And does she know you smell of cow-(moderated. Check the board
rules, guys.) Naomi.
• Naomi, you OK hun? I know it’s hard but Johnny isn’t the
right boy for you. Don’t worry, I’ll find you someone much more in your league.
Lily P.
• Amber? Talk about out of your league Johnny! I don’t know
why you couldn’t take me. Except I’m stuck in Exam Hell and mother would kill
me if I went off to a festival. She hates them. And we all know why. Freddie P.
• That’s enough, Freddie. Anyway, it will be more fun at
home now that Pip is coming to stay. You can play her your Rag’n’Bone Man album
and pretend you’re at the festival. And I can’t wait to get my hands on her
hair! She’s a lovely woman, but a stranger to the hot brush. Lily P.
Letter to the Editor
Dear Madam,
My husband Neil and I would like to thank everyone who sent
their best wishes for his 60th birthday last week, and especially
the bell ringers of St Stephen’s for the surprise quarter peal. A lot of people
have remarked how well Neil looks for his age and have asked what his secret
is. So I thought your readers might like to try his favourite supper. The
recipe always puts a smile on his face!
Hot ‘n’ bothered
chilli
Serves 2 with
plenty of seconds
250g lean,
masterful mince
450g tin full of
beans
1 big hunk of
spicy sausage
450g juicy tomatoes
(pommes d’amour)
Chilli oil, as
hot as you dare
1 sexy stockman
cube
Pinch of cumin
get it
Stir all the
ingredients together and leave to simmer while hubby gets his cocktail shaker
out and rustles up a Dirty Banana. Serve with nothing but a smile.
Yours sincerely,
Susan Carter
(Mrs), Ambridge View.
Situation vacant
Not-too-personal
assistant
Businessman, based
in Borsetshire and London, but not that wealthy so don’t get ideas, is looking
for someone to manage his correspondence and schedule. This is purely a
desk-based role so do not imagine for one second you will be accompanying him
to parties or the races. Would suit a no-nonsense, experienced PA, devoid of
charisma or personality. Halitosis an advantage. Apply to Lilian Bellamy, the
employer’s fiancée, to whom he is totally and permanently committed, c/o The
Dower House, Ambridge.