Titchener escapes Stateside
Rob Titchener, who is a fugitive from justice after a foiled
attempt to kidnap his baby son, has fled to the USA, according to police
sources.
Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) told a
press conference that US immigration officials confirmed Mr Titchener landed in
Minneapolis, Minnesota, last week after giving UK police the slip.
‘Once it was clear Mr Titchener had left Borsetshire the
case was out of my hands,’ said PC Burns. ‘Which was just as well really,
because I’ve been worried sick about the Ambridge cricket team. I don’t regret
banning Rob from the team, but you have to say he got results. And this season
we’re so short of players I was thinking of putting Bartleby in the outfield.
‘But then Fallon had a brilliant idea – why not let women
join? She can’t play of course – too busy making the teas – but there’s plenty
of female cricketing talent in Ambridge – just look at the single wicket. And
they can wash everyone’s whites afterwards!
‘I’m just going to check it out with the County secretary
but I think it’s the way forward. Can’t wait to see Darrington’s faces.’ (Didn’t he say anything else about Rob
Titchener? Ed).
Damara chairman in hospital scare
Damara Capital chairman Justin Elliott was briefly
hospitalised this week after what was described as a ’bizarre accident’ at a
dinner dance.
Mr Elliott, his social secretary Lilian Bellamy, Mrs
Bellamy’s sister Jennifer Aldridge and her husband Brian were attending the
black-tie event in the Lothario Suite of the Brigadoon Hotel in Felpersham when
the accident occurred.
‘It was a crowded dance floor, but this couple stood out,’
said Ray Tremelo, singer with the Kwalitaires dance band. ‘They’d already
fallen once after a bungled samba roll. And when the boys struck up the
Argentine Tango I knew we were in trouble. The ladies often try the moves
they’ve seen on Strictly, but this
couple just weren’t up to it. She was going for a gancho, kicked her leg up too
high, caught her heel in his cummerbund and it was goodnight Vienna.’
Paramedics were called and took Mr Elliott to Felpersham
Hospital with a suspected broken ankle, but he was later discharged. Mrs
Bellamy was unhurt and was taken home by Mr and Mrs Aldridge.
‘We were relieved to hear that Justin and Lilian weren’t
injured,’ said Mrs Lynda Snell, who was also attending the event. ‘It would
quite have spoiled our evening. Although I’m surprised the paramedics could
prise them apart to take Justin to hospital. But Robert and I had a wonderful
time. We were celebrating Ambridge Hall’s 5-star review on the TravelGuru
website. Would you like to see it?’
From the Message Boards…
This week we drop in on the Ambridge Village Forum, for the latest hot topics in the online community…
Hey guys, I’m reaching out to you from Minneapolis. I would
really appreciate your opinion of an English guy, name of Rob Titchener, who’s
just blown in looking for work. He reckons he can do just about anything – herd
manager, real estate, retail, flood management – but when we asked him for
references, he said there was no point on account of they’d be so good, we’d
just figure he’d made them all up.
Before we hire him, can you guys give us a heads-up on his resumé? Homer D Brave, AgrijobsUSA.com
Don’t hire him, whatever you do, Homer! He’s a vicious bully
who nearly ruined my daughter’s life! But you don’t need to take my word for it
– a psychologist’s report said he had narcissistic personality disorder and
will lie and manipulate people to get his way. Pat Archer.
Yes, what Pat said Homer! I had to ban him from the village
shop for verbally assaulting the staff. He was banned from the cricket team too
for cheating and bullying and he’s a mis-on mis-yng – mis-gon – anyway, he
hates women. Susan Carter.
Pat and Susan are right Homer; Rob Titchener is a nasty
piece of work. Superficially charming, but unstable, homophobic, with a violent
streak. Steer clear. Adam Macy.
Holy moly, let me just check I’ve got this right? Narcissist,
misogynist, homophobe, liar, manipulator, bully and cheat. Sure can’t imagine
anyone like that getting far here in the US of A! Thanks guys! Homer.
Your week in the stars
With Valentine’s Day just round the corner, astrologer Janet
Planet predicts which signs will be luckiest in love…
Capricorn
Single Capricorns have been on the move lately, setting up a
new business and settling into a new home. But that doesn’t mean love is off
the menu! Expatriate Capricorns may find they have more than an accent in
common, especially if they find themselves bonding over a sick pig.
Pisces
Unrequited love is painful, and when the object of your
affections is smitten by someone who is bad for them, it can be hard to stand
by and watch. But Pisceans are famously good-hearted and decent, so have faith
that your qualities will shine through in the end. And in the meantime, don’t ignore
opportunities for romance; a new arrival in the area may think you are the
catch of the day!
Taurus
Much like the bull, Taureans can be stubborn and determined
to go it alone. But we all need support sometimes, and that is certainly true
when a little one is involved.. Don’t let pride stand in your way of accepting
help from senior family members, especially if they are waving their cheque
book and promising not to interfere.
Cancer
The tropic of Cancer is hot, hot, hot, but those who find
themselves swept away by passion must take care not to let reckless behaviour
damage their reputations. Sweet nothings are best whispered in the privacy of
the boudoir, not the winners’ enclosure at Felpersham Races.
Brilliant, brilliant, absolutely laugh out loud brilliant! By the way, I liked it!
ReplyDeleteI would never have guessed! Thank you so much for commenting!
DeleteVery good, I love that Rob will find himself at home with like minded people in the U.S. of A.
ReplyDeleteYes indeed, with any luck he will never return...
DeleteI expect Rob Titchener's Cabinet appointment will be covered by the Observer...
DeleteHey...we don't want him...maybe the border patrol will chase him into Canada...
DeleteHomer's name is genius!
ReplyDeleteHe's related to Homer N Therange...!
DeleteAbsolutely marvellous this week. Real LOL.Husband in next room asked if I was alright!!
ReplyDeleteDelighted to hear that, thank you! Sounds like your husband should become a reader too...
DeleteGenius!!!
ReplyDeleteExtra custard creams for the reporters this week then. Thank you!
DeleteGood one!
ReplyDeleteVery kind, thank you!
DeleteReally cheered by a Saturday reading that! well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks Vivienne! Just working on the next edition, including the Academic Archers conference...
ReplyDelete