Cricket in crisis, Freddie in trouble and Jennifer in party mood: a controversial week in Ambridge

Council on back foot after school security lapses

Borsetshire County Council’s education department was forced to defend itself this week after a series of security breaches that potentially put students at risk.

Parents at the recent Open Evening at Borchester College reported an ‘incident’ in which an intruder pretended to be the father of a sixth-form student and quizzed tutors about his progress and exam performance.

‘He looked quite shifty, as if he had something to hide,’ said one. ‘But one minute he was chatting to Mr Comley, the maths tutor, and the next there was this huge row when Freddie Pargetter’s mother Lizzie appeared. Turns out it was Freddie’s uncle Kenton, trying to help him cover up the fact he’d failed his GCSE resit! She was furious.’

The lapse in security follows more serious events at Loxley Barrett Primary School earlier this year, when it was revealed that disgraced fugitive Rob Titchener had gained access to the playground on several occasions to talk to Henry Archer, aged 6, contrary to a family  court order.

‘Following these regrettable incidents we have reviewed and updated all our safeguarding procedures,’ said a BCC spokesperson. ‘However, we do like to encourage enterprise in our students, and this was certainly the smartest thing Freddie Pargetter has done all year.’

Home Farm party ‘highlight of social year’

Brian and Jennifer Aldridge will be welcoming the movers and shakers of Borsetshire to Home Farm next weekend at a huge party to celebrate the recent expansion of their business.

‘The theme of the soirée is “Land”, reflecting the wonderful deal that Brian has done with Borchester Land,’ said Mrs Aldridge. ‘And Fallon Rogers and Emma Grundy are doing the catering, so we’re supporting a local business.’

Guests will feast on a themed menu including:     

Dirty Martinis

Gravel-lax and stone ground rye bread

Landfill-et of beef with field mushrooms and Tarmacaroni cheese

Mississippi Mud pie, Rocky Road icecream and chocolate soil

But some have criticised the timing of the party as ‘inappropriate’. ‘I’ve heard people in the shop say it’s an obscene display of privilege by bloated plutocrats flaunting their wealth in the face of the poor,’ said Mrs Susan Carter. ‘But we’ll be going of course, as we’re family. And Neil can’t wait to see me in my red velvet dress again.’  

‘Movers and shakers, eh?’ said Eddie Grundy. ‘Jennifer wants to watch out Justin Elliott and Lilian Bellamy don’t get up to moving and shaking in front of all the guests. Especially not with Justin’s wife there. I’d rather have a pasty and a pint of Shires.’

Teens are promised an on-screen treat

As the world’s eyes turn on Hollywood for the Oscars this week, two senior citizens aim to create some movie magic in Ambridge by launching a new cinema club.

‘My friend Carol Tregorran and I came up with the idea after seeing how much time our young relatives, like Ben and Ruairi, spend in their rooms playing computer games,’ said Mrs Jill Archer of Brookfield. ‘We love classic films, and we thought we’d like to get youngsters out of the house and broaden their horizons by sharing some of our favourites with them.’

The two film fans have hired the village hall for the first meeting, which will show a double bill of Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown and Singin’ in the Rain.  ‘We hope to introduce young people of Ambridge to the imagination, theatricality and pre-digital magisterial command of some of cinema’s greatest auteurs such as Kurosawa, Renoir, Fellini and Godard,’ said Mrs Tregorran. ‘I look forward to sharing the dystopian vision and multi-layered, non-narrative structures of works that have truly challenged my personal constructs and subverted my paradigm over many years.’

‘And I will be handing round home-made flapjacks and leading a singalong in the interval,’ said Mrs Archer.  

Letter to The Editor

Dear Madam,

Tom Archer and I just wanted to thank readers for all their kind wishes and messages after our recent loss. And also, will you just stop talking about it now because I am absolutely fine, it’s just one of those things, people get over it in different ways and my way is going back to work, spending lots of money on party clothes, going out clubbing and generally showing everyone that I am absolutely fine. Completely fine. No problems at all. And Tom is going off to Brazil soon and that’s fine because he’s working on a new organic baby food business….. Anyway. He’s fine too. We’re both fine. Please can we stop talking about it now. Thank you.

Yours sincerely

Kirsty Miller  

Poetry Corner

Thanks to Bert Fry, the Bard of Borsetshire, for this wry, spry reflection on Ambridge Cricket Club’s current woes!  (Do we really have to publish the ramblings of this old dinosaur? Ed).

It’s just not cricket!

A game of village cricket

Is a lovely sight to see,

With leather hitting willow

And a lengthy break for tea.

But Ambridge cricket’s in a fix,

We cannot field a team,

We’re all too old or busy

To practise swing or seam.

So Captain Burns got thinking

On how to fill the gaps,

And asked himself the question:

Why should players all be chaps?

He rang up lots of ladies,

To see if they were keen,

But apart from Molly Button

They all said ‘Not my scene.’

But PC Burns is stubborn

He won’t give up just yet

He’s pinning all his cricket hopes

On Anisha, our new vet.

Our captain will do anything

Not to cancel fixtures

Bu we don’t want opposing teams

To call us ‘dolly mixtures’.

So at the latest AGM

We told young Harrison flat:

The girls are there to make the teas

And not to wield a bat.