Sunday, 22 January 2017

Lily hosts, Bert emotes and Titchener’s toast: a fabulous week in Ambridge!

Titchener to leave Damara with immediate effect

Rob Titchener, Borsetshire estates manager for Damara Capital, has been dismissed without notice, according to sources close to chairman Justin Elliott. (Is this Lilian again? Note to PA: send her a case of gin on expenses. Ed).
It is not known exactly what triggered Mr Titchener’s departure. He was appointed late last year, and was thought to be riding high at Damara, enjoying the confidence of Mr Elliott and taking a hard line on costs and production targets with the company’s agricultural contractors.
‘Justin was made aware of something Rob had done, when he was employed at Berrow Farm, that he just couldn’t overlook or forgive,’ said the source. ‘Rob was caught making an unauthorised attempt to cover up his error. It was something to do with the flood, darling, but I can’t possibly say as it could still cost Damara millions, and possibly lead to criminal proceedings.
‘Justin said he had to let Rob go, and he took it very badly,’ said the source. ‘And when he started insulting me – I mean, Mr Elliott’s closest associates – that was the final straw. Justin told him to clear his desk and leave on the spot.’
It is believed that Mr Titchener was dismissed without a reference. The Ambridge Observer attempted to contact him for comment, but he did not return calls or answer his door, although a weird, high-pitched keening could be heard from inside the executive apartment he rents on the Edgeley Road.
The news came as a shock to Mr Titchener’s colleagues. ‘Titchener’s gone? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!’ said Adam Macy of Home Farm. ‘Ian darling, get out of bed and fetch another bottle of Prosecco. We’re got even more to celebrate now!’

My Week, by Lily Pargetter

Known as the It Girl of Borchester College, Lily Pargetter, 17, spills the beans on a quiet week at Lower Loxley


It’s so sweet of you to interview me; can we do a selfie? But would you mind just taking off that jacket? I mean, what a way to lose ALL my Instagram favourites…
Perfect. Where was I? Oh yes, today I decided that we definitely wouldn’t be having a massive party at Lower Loxley while my mum is away. And of course because we weren’t having a party, I didn’t ask lovely Ian at Grey Gables to help out with the catering. And he didn’t pass on this fabulous tip: did you know, they start selling off perishables at bargain prices after 5pm at Underwoods? Crab, smoked salmon, guacamole, blinis – everything you’d want for a high-end, sophisticated party. If you were having one of course. Which I’m so, so not!


If you were having a party, today would be brilliant – it’s January, Mum’s away and all my friends need some Lily sparkle in their lives. I mean, who doesn’t feel a million times better wearing a posh frock, with cocktails and canapés? And I’m SO good at getting people to mingle. All those years helping Mum host conferences for photocopier salesmen weren’t wasted! But we couldn’t have a party, because I’d never ever go behind Mum’s back like that. And anyway, we have CCTV cameras at Lower Loxley so she’d find out straightaway. Unless you disabled them. Which I have absolutely no idea how to do, as I’m a girl and only know about eye liner and Lovesick.


Mum came back from her trip to London today so Freddie (he’s my brother, lovely guy, useless at maths but a legend at skinny-dipping) and I did what we always do on a Friday, which is clean the house from top to bottom and hide all the bottles in the barn. Not that there were any bottles of course – well, just Freddie’s usual bottle of elderflower pop. My mum is so sweet to worry about us. Do you know, she found an empty lager can (Freddie is SO dead for missing it) and thought we’d had a party! Really, as if! Although if I were to have a party, it would probably be the best party Lower Loxley has ever seen…

Calling all local poets!

The Ambridge Observer is delighted to be joining forces with Borsetshire County Library, as media partner in its Spring Poetry Competition.
Entries are invited on the theme of ‘The Space Between Words’. Winning poets will see their work published in the Ambridge Observer and will have the chance to read their poems at the next open mic night at the Torn Scrotum in Felpersham.
To help get your creative juices flowing, we asked Bert Fry, the Borsetshire Laureate, to pen a few lines. Thank you Bert and good luck everyone!

My Freda wasn’t one to shout;
She didn’t like to talk things out,
If we had a disagreement,
I would get the silent treatment.

So me and Freda made a pledge,
If I set her nerves on edge,
She would let me know my crime
Through the medium of mime.

That‘s how we got on famously
Until the Flood took her from me,
And I can say quite truthfully
We never had words, Freda and me.

She'd leave her handbag in my way,
But I'd give anything today
To find that handbag on the floor
Instead of Toby's boxer shorts. 

So my advice for all young lovers
Is make time to talk to each other.
Don’t let the space between words grow
Until it is too late. Oh no.

Personal announcement

 Miller - Archer

Mr and Mrs Graham Miller are delighted to announce the non-engagement of their daughter Kirsty, currently of Willow Farm, Ambridge, and Mr Tom Archer of Bridge Farm. Both parties wish to make it clear that they will never under any circumstances marry, and indeed why should they, as Miss Miller is an independent woman whose baby is the result of a one-night stand with an Australian mining engineer called Steve who was just shooting through last September. However, Mr Archer will be supporting Kirsty in the coming months, which is frankly the least he can do after humiliating her so completely, and think of all the expense on the wedding. Mrs Miller is still paying for her hat.
Congratulations from both families!

1 comment:

  1. Class. And I haven't heard the phrase 'shooting through' since 'The Mighty Johnsons' ended.