Sunday, 15 January 2017

Justin grounded, Jill up-ended, Kirsty outed and Rob cornered – a sensational week in Ambridge

Elliott trims charity commitments…

Justin Elliott, chairman of Damara Capital, has announced he is stepping down from his role as patron of a number of Borsetshire charities and business organisations.
‘My husband has been spending far too much time on local affairs,’ said his wife Miranda. ‘I’m afraid his social secretary, Lilian Bellamy, got him in too deep and the effort has been taking it out of him. But I am in charge of his diary now and I will be ensuring that Borsetshire, and especially Mrs Bellamy, will be seeing a lot less of him from now on.’
Mr Elliott said he hoped the good causes he has been involved with would not be too disappointed. ‘Since appointing Mrs Bellamy I have gained an intimate knowledge of Borsetshire life and I am not the kind of chap who likes to pull out at short notice,’ he said. ‘But once Miranda’s ski instructor gets over his hip replacement, I’m sure her attention will be diverted back to Courchevel and it won’t be long before I’m back in the saddle.’

… but closes in on land deal

Borchester Land is close to concluding a £2.5 million deal to sell a ‘substantial’ area of arable land and woodland to Brian Aldridge of Home Farm, according to sources close to BL chairman Justin Elliott.
‘Justin wanted £2.7 million, but Brian beat him down,’ said the source. ‘He had to admit Brian was a tough negotiator. But it’s still a good deal for BL, and with the cash Brian’s saved, he can let Adam Macy carry on with the herbal leys trial. So it’s all worked out perfectly, darling.’ (Was this Lilian after one too many gins again? Excellent. Ed)  

Police warn against mystery man

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) warned Ambridge residents to be vigilant this week after a ‘sinister figure’ was seen hanging round various properties in the village. ‘Normally, I’d have a word with Neville Booth after this kind of incident, but on this occasion it was Neville who reported it,’ said PC Burns. ‘And Usha Gupta, who’s pretty reliable, also saw someone lurking outside Blossom Hill Cottage. It’s unlikely to be reporters after all this time, though we do get sightseers following the “Bloody Borsetshire Crime Trail”. Honestly, you’d think people would have better things to do.’    

New series: Found on Facebook….

 As a service for readers who aren’t online, we drop in on the Ambridge Facebook group to find out what’s got the community talking…  

Pat Archer Hi everyone, I just wanted to say thanks for all the birthday presents and cards. Little Henry iced my cake beautifully and Helen made delicious tuna rolls – she always did have a way with tuna. And I especially wanted to say thank you to Kirsty Miller for being there for us when Helen was away. She’s almost like a daughter to me and she would have been if of course… anyway, never mind. Thank you Kirsty Miller!

Tom Archer Happy birthday mum! Wasn’t it great to celebrate with the people you love most, especially Kirsty Miller? I won’t say any more because I need to give Kirsty Miller some space…  

Helen Archer Kirsty Miller, U OK hun? I mean, I know you’re pregnant and everything, Tom told me… you don’t mind me knowing, surely? In fact I’m just a teeny little bit upset you didn’t tell me yourself, when I’d splashed out on lunch at Grey Gables. But you didn’t need to dash off… Hang on – why have you unfriended me, Kirsty Miller? What did I do?

Roy Tucker Listen guys, Kirsty just needs to be left alone for a while, OK? I’ve tried to tell her it’s not just about her and the baby any more – there’s me and Tracy Horrobin to think about. I need Kirsty to keep her away from me and she can’t do that if she’s fretting about you lot at Bridge Farm!

Tracy Horrobin  Roy Tucker, did you just tag me in that post you naughty boy? I know you’re playing hard to get but you’ll be back for some more Tracy love once that brainy daughter of yours has gone back to uni. Come to Momma Roy Tucker baby!

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

The ‘crisis in the National Health Service’ has been in the headlines this week. All I can say is, from my own experience, the NHS has only itself to blame.
On Monday I had a slight mishap at home. I was trying to reach some Christmas cards that my daughter-in-law, who can be slapdash with the housework, had left up. Just as I was climbing the bookshelf, my granddaughter’s so-called boyfriend burst in on me, claiming to be looking for a laptop (probably wanting to burgle the house). Anyway, he made me lose my balance and I fell awkwardly on one ankle. Of course, I expected him to leave me there on the floor, where I could have been rescued hours later, suffering from mild hypothermia, blaming it all on Toby and insisting to my guilt-ridden family that I was fine. But no, he couldn’t even do that properly. Instead he elevated my leg, packed it with ice, and then drove me to the Minor Injuries Unit at Borchester General.
When we got there, I told the staff all I needed was a paracetamol and a good moan to the family. But they made me have an X-ray and ­– can you believe it – praised Toby for his prompt action. These are medical professionals! Surely they can see he’s feckless, loathsome, and quite frankly the spawn of the devil? If this is the best the NHS can do I’m not surprised the public is rapidly losing faith in it.

Disgustedly yours,
Jill Archer, Brookfield.

What’s on: Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing soon: ‘The Cowman Always Rings Twice’

In this powerful ‘dairy noir’ thriller, a farm manager is driven to desperate measures when a crime he thought was dead and buried comes back to haunt him like flood water bursting out of a blocked culvert. Will he give in to blackmail? Risk losing everything he holds dear? Or lash out like a cornered rat and unmask himself as a true villain? (Likely to contain upsetting but immensely satisfying scenes).



  1. "Likely to contain upsetting but immensely satisfying scenes" Oh I do hope so :D

  2. Excellent one again. Thanks for your efforts. PS I hope The B*****d gets stuffed in a culvert of his own.

  3. Ooh Dairy Noir, my favourite chocs...

  4. I'm disappointed that you have had to trawl through someone's Facebook for this edition; what is this, the Daily Mail?

  5. love the archers and very clever to write from jills perspecrive