Elliott trims charity commitments…
Justin
Elliott, chairman of Damara Capital, has announced he is stepping down from his
role as patron of a number of Borsetshire charities and business organisations.
‘My husband
has been spending far too much time on local affairs,’ said his wife Miranda.
‘I’m afraid his social secretary, Lilian Bellamy, got him in too deep and the
effort has been taking it out of him. But I am in charge of his diary now and I
will be ensuring that Borsetshire, and especially Mrs Bellamy, will be seeing a
lot less of him from now on.’
Mr Elliott
said he hoped the good causes he has been involved with would not be too
disappointed. ‘Since appointing Mrs Bellamy I have gained an intimate knowledge
of Borsetshire life and I am not the kind of chap who likes to pull out at
short notice,’ he said. ‘But once Miranda’s ski instructor gets over his hip
replacement, I’m sure her attention will be diverted back to Courchevel and it
won’t be long before I’m back in the saddle.’
… but closes in on land deal
Borchester
Land is close to concluding a £2.5 million deal to sell a ‘substantial’ area of
arable land and woodland to Brian Aldridge of Home Farm, according to sources
close to BL chairman Justin Elliott.
‘Justin
wanted £2.7 million, but Brian beat him down,’ said the source. ‘He had to
admit Brian was a tough negotiator. But it’s still a good deal for BL, and with
the cash Brian’s saved, he can let Adam Macy carry on with the herbal leys
trial. So it’s all worked out perfectly, darling.’ (Was this Lilian after one too many gins again? Excellent. Ed)
Police warn against mystery man
Borsetshire’s
Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) warned Ambridge residents to be vigilant
this week after a ‘sinister figure’ was seen hanging round various properties
in the village. ‘Normally, I’d have a word with Neville Booth after this kind
of incident, but on this occasion it was Neville who reported it,’ said PC
Burns. ‘And Usha Gupta, who’s pretty reliable, also saw someone lurking outside
Blossom Hill Cottage. It’s unlikely to be reporters after all this time, though
we do get sightseers following the “Bloody Borsetshire Crime Trail”. Honestly, you’d
think people would have better things to do.’
New series: Found on Facebook….
Pat Archer Hi everyone, I just wanted to say thanks for
all the birthday presents and cards. Little Henry iced my cake beautifully and
Helen made delicious tuna rolls – she always did have a way with tuna. And I
especially wanted to say thank you to Kirsty Miller for being there for us when Helen was away. She’s
almost like a daughter to me and she would have been if of course… anyway,
never mind. Thank you Kirsty
Miller!
Tom Archer Happy birthday mum! Wasn’t it great to
celebrate with the people you love most, especially Kirsty Miller? I won’t say any more because I
need to give Kirsty Miller some
space…
Helen Archer Kirsty Miller, U OK hun? I mean, I know you’re pregnant and
everything, Tom told me… you don’t mind me knowing, surely? In fact I’m just a
teeny little bit upset you didn’t tell me yourself, when I’d splashed out on
lunch at Grey Gables. But you didn’t need to dash off… Hang on – why have you
unfriended me, Kirsty Miller?
What did I do?
Roy Tucker Listen guys, Kirsty just needs to be left alone
for a while, OK? I’ve tried to tell her it’s not just about her and the baby
any more – there’s me and Tracy
Horrobin to think about. I need Kirsty to keep her away from me and she
can’t do that if she’s fretting about you lot at Bridge Farm!
Tracy Horrobin Roy Tucker, did you just tag me in that post
you naughty boy? I know you’re playing hard to get but you’ll be back for some
more Tracy love once that brainy daughter of yours has gone back to uni. Come
to Momma Roy Tucker baby!
Letter to the Editor
Dear Madam,
The ‘crisis
in the National Health Service’ has been in the headlines this week. All I can
say is, from my own experience, the NHS has only itself to blame.
On Monday I
had a slight mishap at home. I was trying to reach some Christmas cards that my
daughter-in-law, who can be slapdash with the housework, had left up. Just as I
was climbing the bookshelf, my granddaughter’s so-called boyfriend burst in on
me, claiming to be looking for a laptop (probably wanting to burgle the house).
Anyway, he made me lose my balance and I fell awkwardly on one ankle. Of
course, I expected him to leave me there on the floor, where I could have been
rescued hours later, suffering from mild hypothermia, blaming it all on Toby and
insisting to my guilt-ridden family that I was fine. But no, he couldn’t even
do that properly. Instead he elevated my leg, packed it with ice, and then
drove me to the Minor Injuries Unit at Borchester General.
When we got
there, I told the staff all I needed was a paracetamol and a good moan to the
family. But they made me have an X-ray and – can you believe it – praised Toby
for his prompt action. These are medical professionals! Surely they can see
he’s feckless, loathsome, and quite frankly the spawn of the devil? If this is
the best the NHS can do I’m not surprised the public is rapidly losing faith in
it.
Disgustedly
yours,
Jill
Archer, Brookfield.
What’s on: Borsetshire Rural Cinema
Showing
soon: ‘The Cowman Always Rings Twice’
In this
powerful ‘dairy noir’ thriller, a farm manager is driven to desperate measures
when a crime he thought was dead and buried comes back to haunt him like flood
water bursting out of a blocked culvert. Will he give in to blackmail? Risk
losing everything he holds dear? Or lash out like a cornered rat and unmask
himself as a true villain? (Likely to
contain upsetting but immensely satisfying scenes).
"Likely to contain upsetting but immensely satisfying scenes" Oh I do hope so :D
ReplyDeleteDitto
DeleteExcellent one again. Thanks for your efforts. PS I hope The B*****d gets stuffed in a culvert of his own.
ReplyDeleteOoh Dairy Noir, my favourite chocs...
ReplyDeleteI'm disappointed that you have had to trawl through someone's Facebook for this edition; what is this, the Daily Mail?
ReplyDeletelove the archers and very clever to write from jills perspecrive
ReplyDelete