Titchener trial hangs on a knife edge (subs: dodgy headline? Ed)
Ambridge
was reeling this week from revelations in Borchester Crown Court, where Helen
Titchener stands trial for the attempted murder and malicious wounding of her
husband Robert at their home in April this year.
In a series
of emotional and tense exchanges, the jury heard Mrs Titchener accuse her
husband of multiple counts of rape, an allegation repeated by his first wife
Jessica Myers, who made a late and dramatic appearance as a witness for the
defence.
In
rebuttal, a tearful Mr Titchener strongly denied the allegations, claiming he was a
victim of ‘needy, unstable women’, who for some reason seemed to find him
attractive.
The court
also heard the account of five-year-old Henry Archer, recorded on video, which
appeared to cast doubt on Mrs Titchener’s claim that on the night of the attack
she acted to protect her son from her husband.
In closing
speeches, the defendant’s barrister Anna Tregorran said Mr Titchener had
subjected his wife to two years of ‘bullying, mind games and sexual violence’,
which finally drove her to try to escape with Henry, even though she was
heavily pregnant.
Mr
Titchener’s barrister, Michael Byfield, argued that Mr Titchener had done his
best to care for his ‘sick, erratic’ wife and that by stabbing her husband repeatedly,
failing to call an ambulance and attempting to clear up after the attack, Mrs Titchener
had shown intent to kill him.
Eleven
jurors have now retired to consider their verdict. One juror had earlier been
dismissed for tweeting from the courtroom (see ‘Letter to The Editor’.)
Public outbursts prompt judge’s warnings
The judge
in charge of the Titchener case threatened to clear the public gallery on a
number of occasions this week after a series of ‘unprecedented’ interruptions
to proceedings.
‘In all my
years on the bench I have never heard anything like it,’ he said. ‘The constant
stage-whispering from members of Mrs Titchener’s family made it almost
impossible to hear some of the evidence and nearly jeopardised her defence.
‘Of course,
one is used to emotional outbursts in the witness box, such as those we heard
from Mrs Titchener’s friend Miss Miller – although that young lady risked
contempt of court in her unprompted attack on Mr Titchener.
‘But this
is a court of law, not the lounge bar of the Dog and Duck. Members of the jury
can hear Tony, Pat and Tom Archer wittering on any day of the week. I nearly
wore out my gavel trying to get them to pipe down.’
Councillor ‘too busy’ to attend court
Parish
Council chairman Neil Carter, who was expected to appear as a character witness
at the trial, denied he’d been put under pressure not to attend.
‘I was very
busy that day; a couple of weaners were scouring and I had terrible trouble
with the pignut delivery,’ he said. ‘The fact that my wife Susan threatened to
take her special chilli off the menu for good if I spoke up for Helen had
nothing to do with it.’
Mrs Carter
said she was ‘relieved’ that her husband had decided not to take Mrs
Titchener’s side in the case.
‘We’re fond
of Helen of course, but Mr Titchener was a hero of the flood, and he’s always
so polite in the Post Office,’ she said. ‘And look what can happen when you
speak out. Poor Ian Craig. That lawyer got him to admit he didn’t like Rob,
because Rob had told him about his husband Adam’s affairs with Charlie Thomas
the estate manager and a fruit picker. Who’d have thought it? The farm boss and
a fruit picker. Even I didn’t know about that one. And now it’s all going to be
in the papers… without me having to tell anyone!’
Buttygate threatens to derail the case
Court
proceedings were disrupted on Thursday when police were called in to
investigate a suspicious package. ‘The court was temporarily evacuated,’ said
Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns). ‘Witnesses said the
abandoned parcel was emitting fumes and a noxious smell, and these days you
can’t be too careful.
‘Fortunately,
sniffer dogs revealed the contents to be a package of egg-and-cress, meat paste
and tuna sandwiches, which – well let’s just say they were well past their
sell-by date.’
The sandwiches
were traced to Mrs Shula Hebden Lloyd of The Stables. ‘I’d brought them for
Helen’s family, but they didn’t seem to want them – probably too stressed to
eat,’ she said. ‘Then when Rob’s father, who was sitting next to me, started
shouting horrible things about Jess and Helen I jumped up in horror and ran
out, leaving my basket behind.’
Mrs Hebden
Lloyd apologised to the court and was served an ASBO (All-Sandwich Banning
Order). ‘At least one good thing will
come out of this trial,’ said a witness.
Does Lucky the turkey have the answer?
The jury
may still be out, but one local family reckon they know the result already –
thanks to Lucky the psychic turkey.
‘People
have been flocking to Grundys Field to see Lucky all week,’ said Eddie Grundy
of Grange Farm. ‘All we ask them to do is pay £5 to buy two small bags of seed
– one plain, and one dyed red with my Clarrie’s food colouring. They put them
in Lucky’s pen and whichever one he goes for, that’s the verdict.’
So far,
Lucky has consistently gone for the red seed, predicting a ‘red card’ or guilty
verdict for Helen. ‘Some people say it’s in bad taste, but a man’s got to make
a living, especially after ElfWorld had to close,’ said Mr Grundy. ‘And if poor
Helen is convicted, at least Lucky’s fattening up nicely for Christmas.’
Letter to the Editor
Dear Madam,
I am
writing to you because, although all journalists are crooks and liars (thanks, Ed) at least you have not
stooped to the gutter like that rag The
Borchester Echo and branded my son Robert a rapist.
My point
is: why, oh why, oh why should we taxpayers fund this tin-pot legal system that
would shame even the most benighted banana republic? Events at Borchester Crown
Court this week have proved Her Majesty’s judiciary to be a pusillanimous shadow
of traditional English justice, admired the world over for burning witches and
jailing homosexuals.
I refer of
course to Judge Loomis’s decision to dismiss the brave juror who expressed his
view, as an Englishman has a right to do, on the appalling scenario that was
unfolding in front of his very eyes in court. This stout yeoman took to
so-called ‘social media’ – I believe it is called ‘Twatter’ – to sum up the
case with admirable brevity. ‘Sick of man-hating lezzers like Helen Titchener;
I’ll make sure she goes down.’
The fact
that a clear-eyed, right-thinking individual like this has been denied his
right to decide the fate of that deranged harpy who my son Robert was careless enough to get with child, is a travesty.
Yours faithfully
Bruce Titchener
(Note to
subs: please forward to the Telegraph.
More their kind of thing. Ed).
Lucky the turkey is a stroke of genius. So very believable that Eddie would do something like that, although in real life (by which I mean the fictional life of The Archers), Clarrie would have shaped this down as in poor taste before it got going.
ReplyDeleteHa! Thank you Claire... who knows what horrors Clarrie has saved us from over the years...
DeleteThat was supposed to read "slapped this down" not "shaped this down".
ReplyDeleteHurrah for the Sheila sandwich running gag. I laughed out loud. Tuna has a lot to answer for, it would seem.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear David! Not sure about Kenton's idea for a trial-themed quiz night: Name That Tuna...
DeleteI look forward to the 'Extra! Extra! Read all about it!' special edition with the verdict. Do you have two versions ready, like in the film 'Chicago'?
ReplyDeleteYour wish is our command... special edition out now!
Delete