In this special edition, the Ambridge Observer reports on dramatic
events in Borchester Crown Court yesterday and reactions in Ambridge as Helen Titchener
walked free from custody, acquitted on the charge of attempting to
murder her husband Rob.
• Rob Titchener’s father Bruce had to be
helped from the court after suffering what witnesses described as ‘a terrifying
outburst’ of rage. ‘The longer the jury deliberated, the worse he got,’ said
one. ‘He turned purple, his eyes were bulging, and he was snorting like a wild
boar. When the verdict was finally announced, we thought he was going to
explode. Paramedics were called, but his wife Ursula said she could calm him with
a toad-in-the-hole she’d packed just in case.’
• Helen Titchener’s mother Pat Archer said
the family were ‘absolutely over the moon and delighted’ with the verdict.
‘Thank goodness – in the end it didn’t matter that I was completely useless
from start to finish in this case,’ she said. ‘Of course, we now have a fight
on our hands to ensure Henry and Jack stay with Helen. I’ll just have to hope I
don’t mess that up as well.’
• Neil Carter, chairman of Ambridge Parish
Council, said Helen Titchener would be warmly welcomed back to the village.
‘Contrary to your report in last week’s paper, I did give evidence as a
character witness for Helen,’ he said. ‘I just spoke very quietly and wore a
wig so my wife Susan wouldn’t notice; she wasn’t keen, you see.’
• Mr Carter’s wife Susan said the verdict
was exactly what she had expected. ‘I always knew Helen would only do such a
terrible thing in self-defence and that Rob would turn out to be an evil bully
– I’ve said so all along,’ she said. ‘We can now put it all behind us and I can
carry on working for Pat and Tony and forget I ever said Rob was a hero and
Helen was a bit, well you know… troubled.’
• Shula Hebden Lloyd described her reaction
to the verdict as ‘bitter sweet’. ‘Of course, I’m delighted for Helen, but so many
questions still remain about how appallingly I behaved, not speaking out about
Rob sooner,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t even perjure myself properly. I thought I
couldn’t torment myself any more about this, but I’m pleased to say I can.’
• Brian Aldridge of Home Farm said his family were celebrating the news with an impromptu champagne pool party. 'We're all thrilled,' he said. 'Although Adam has a face like a wet weekend. You'd think he'd be delighted that Rob might not be his new boss after all. But ever since Ian appeared in court you'd think a drone had crash-landed on his polytunnel.'
• Justin Elliott, chairman of Damara
Capital, who last month appointed Rob Titchener as his estates manager, was
unavailable. His office said he was in intense discussions with his social
secretary and would be issuing a statement when they had worked out a position
they were both comfortable with.
• Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC
Harrison Burns) said he was ‘relieved’ by the result. ‘In my evidence I had to
report what I saw on the night of the attack, which certainly seemed more
helpful to the prosecution,’ he said. ‘My partner Fallon, who is Helen’s
friend, was upset by this and it was affecting our relationship – let’s just
say things were getting a bit frosty in the bedroom department. But since the
jury’s verdict we’ve been making up for lost time. It hasn’t done much for my
conviction rate, but who cares?’
• The Crown Prosecution Service said it was
conducting an ‘urgent review’ of the case in the light of the rape allegations
made against Mr Titchener by his wife Helen and his ex-wife Jessica Myers.
‘We stand by our decision to prosecute Mrs
Titchener,’ said a spokesperson. ‘Though to be honest, off the record, our QC
Michael Bywater wasn’t exactly devastated by the result. He’d had a taste of
Rob Titchener’s temper and said he had a feeling he might be a wrong ’un. If we
were to see Mr Titchener in the dock instead of the witness box one day it
would be extra fig rolls all round here at the CPS.’
Don't miss next week’s Ambridge Observer! In a Flower and Produce Show special, we report
on the controversial new category: ‘Make a vehicle out of vegetables’.
Brilliant!!
ReplyDeleteWonderful, as always!
ReplyDeleteI liked the bit about the fig rolls.
ReplyDeleteEven more brilliant than usual!
ReplyDeleteVery kind, thank you all! The reporters are demanding time off in lieu after all those hours in court...
ReplyDeletePAAAAhahahaHAAAAAA!!!!!!
ReplyDelete"His office said he was in intense discussions with his social secretary and would be issuing a statement when they had worked out a position they were both comfortable with. "
Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteHilarious!
ReplyDeleteFantastic! You've got Susan spot on - I can even hear her saying that
ReplyDeleteIsn't ANYONE on Rob's side?
ReplyDeleteNO!!!
DeleteNigel Havers
DeleteGreat report. Susan keeping to type wonderfully ☺
ReplyDeleteGreat report. Susan keeping to type wonderfully ☺
ReplyDeleteWasn't the prosecuting counsel called Julian Bywater? If not, I need to amend my character stats on Dum Tee Dum. Can anyone confirm?
ReplyDelete