Sunday, 31 January 2016

Justin makes a move, Grundys make a profit and Tom makes a pudding: a productive week in Ambridge

Much-loved cows to get a fitting send-off

As Brookfield prepares for the sale of its Friesian dairy herd, David Archer plans to mark the event by giving a public lecture on its history.
‘Writing up the details for the auction catalogue gave me the idea,’ he said. ‘When you think about all the love and care we’ve put into those old girls – first Dan with Doris, then Phil with my mum, and now me with Ruth. Of course, Ruth is better than they are because she can actually do farming. So call me an old softy but I think these ladies are worth celebrating. And a bit of family colour might bring in a few more quid for the cows, too.’
As Ambridge Village Hall has not yet reopened, Mr Archer has booked the telephone box on the Green for his talk.

‘Elliotts’ to be the next big Ambridge brand?

While still tight-lipped about his business plans, Justin Elliott has indicated that he’s readying a bold initiative to float the Elliotts on the Ambridge social market.
‘Aldridges, Bellamys, Archers – they’re all good strong brands locally,’ he said. ‘But I’m convinced there’s a gap in the market for Elliotts. I admit that backing route B, trying to buy Brookfield and bribing the Parish Council over the Village Hall was perhaps a little pushy.
‘So I’m now planning a charm offensive: getting old Brian back on the board of Borchester Land, buying into Adam’s tedious vision of sustainable farming, even renting the Dower House – as I believe Mrs Lilian Bellamy is always open to a mutually satisfying arrangement.
‘You mark my words: Elliott stock will soon be defying market forecasts and will be riding high in Ambridge. Fill your boots!’

Sampling the good life at Bridge Farm

The Ambridge Observer team were treated to a sneak preview of Bridge Farm’s delicious special offers this week. (It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it!!) We loved:

• Bridge Farm black pudding in Darjeeling, Lapsong Souchong and PG Tips flavour (featuring Grandma Grundy’s secret ingredient)
• Black pudding Scotch eggs (just like in fancy London)
• Enchiladas and burritos (with 10% discount on ingredients at the shop)
• Tom Archer country pork and spicy sausages (reduced for a quick sale)
• Emma Grundy’s vegan croutes, stuffed vegetables and mushroom roulade
• Organic chocolate amaretti biscuits: a snip at £6.95 (you are joking? Ed)

‘We’ve got even more exciting plans coming up, with heart-shaped chocolates and pastries for Valentine’s Day,’ said Fallon Rogers. ‘And we’re working on a special Lent menu for people who’ve given things up – like sugar-free cakes, for example. That was Kirsty Miller’s idea; she’s a really brilliant new addition to our team.’ ‘Yeah, well, she’s not all that,’ said Ms Rogers’ partner Emma Grundy. ‘And I still think heart-shaped toast is a good idea.’

Letter to the editor

Dear Madam,

As a concerned father-to-be, I’d just like to alert readers – any chaps out there in particular – who might not be aware of just how carefully you have to look after the little lady in your life when she’s expecting. Here are a few pointers I’ve picked up along the way:
• black pudding is a no-no, especially if it means your wife has fun with her family while developing the recipe.
• there’s no need to splash out on expensive maternity tops with low necklines. Send them back, I say; she should realise you’re not made of money, now that you’ve spent nearly all of Peggy’s cash on yourself.
• ladies can get sensitive about their weight at this special time. Just try saying ‘Look at the size of you!’ and see how quickly they step away from the breadbin!
• the last thing you need is interference from family and friends. Your wife is carrying your baby, not theirs. Much better to limit contact with outsiders as much as you can. You can’t afford to take any chances with your little prince!

Yours truly,

Rob Titchener, Blossom Hill Cottage.

A wizard wheeze on wheels

Local artisans Joe and Eddie Grundy (are you sure? Ed) are to patent a design for a new product they claim is a ‘ground-breaker’ in the hospitality and heritage markets.
‘When Lynda Snell asked us to make her a shepherd’s hut, I thought she was a-mockin’ the heritage of the working man,’ said Joe Grundy. ‘But when we saw the prices they can fetch we knew we was onto a winner.’
‘And then when we was converting Oliver and Caroline’s shed into our new Cider Club premises, the idea struck me like a falling ladder!’ said Eddie Grundy.
‘Our Cider Club Tour Bus looks like a traditional shepherd’s hut on the outside, but inside it’s kitted out with everything for the cider connoisseur: barrels, tankards and a compost loo.
‘And ‘cos it’s on wheels, you can trundle it wherever you want – if cider drinkers can’t come to the Cider Club, the Cider Club can go to them!’
Mr Grundy says the family’s new venture will be completely sustainable. ‘We’ll be sourcing materials from some of the finest tips in the area,’ he said. ‘And of course each bus will come supplied with our own cider – at very reasonable rates – starting with the latest pressing of Cidre Nouveau.’
Prices start at £10,000 for a basic model and Mr Grundy is anticipating strong demand. ‘As long as there’s people out there with more money than sense, there’ll be a market for this product,’ he said.  

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