Sunday, 29 November 2015

Rob takes liberties, Ruth takes off and Roy takes some persuading: an action-packed week in Ambridge

Ambridge hero breaks world horn-blowing record

Huntsmen across the UK said they were ‘in awe’ of Ambridge resident Rob Titchener after he managed to blow his own horn for an entire week. ‘It wasn’t just that Rob won the horn-blowing competition at the Hunt Ball, and bagged the most birds at the Home Farm shoot,’ said one.
‘He also managed to take all the credit for the Bridge Farm shop, while appearing to heap praise on his wife Helen. He got the Borchester Echo to run a feature on his journey from Berrow Farm to family businessman, and pretended the journalist harassed him into it. (that rag will print anything. Ed). He booked a surprise private scan for Helen, which made his mother-in-law go all gooey but is really to check they’re having a son.
‘He claimed to have been offered the job at Greenbury Farm Services but turned it down to take care of Helen, when we’re pretty sure he never even went for the interview.
‘And you had to take your hat off to him at the Hunt Ball. He managed to get Jennifer tipsy and spill the beans about Adam’s fling with the fruit-picker, and sowed doubt in Justin Elliott’s mind about Charlie Thomas’s competence while bigging up his own performance.
‘Anyone who wants to try horn-blowing should take lessons from Rob. He’s a master.’

Calendar Girls director pulls off daring casting coup  

Local impresario Lynda Snell promised ‘art reflecting life, reflecting art’ with her production of Calendar Girls, and she’s certainly achieved that with the controversial casting of Roy Tucker as John, the husband of leading lady Annie, played by Elizabeth Pargetter.
‘Just in case anyone didn’t know that Roy and Elizabeth had a real-life affair last year, they certainly will now!’ said Mrs Snell. ‘The chemistry between these two just fizzes. Who cares what people think? Art gives us the licence to rise above such petty concerns!’
‘Roy and I are grown-up enough to ignore any silly sniggering,’ said Mrs Pargetter. ‘Anyway, it’s a very small part, perfect for Roy – and I should know.’
‘Elizabeth certainly has nothing to be nervous about in the nude scene, if you know what I mean!’ said Mr Tucker. ‘And my character dies in Scene 3. Though my daughter Phoebe will probably kill me before then. Mortified. She’s got an interview at Oxford, did you know?’
• Mrs Snell and Jennifer Aldridge said this week they will not press charges for voyeurism after venture capitalist Justin Elliott gatecrashed a rehearsal for their nude photo shoot. ‘I only went into the barn to congratulate Mrs Aldridge on her sumptuous venison stew,’ said Mr Elliott. ‘As soon as I realised what was happening – after about half an hour or so – I revealed myself to the ladies and we all had a good laugh.’ (Can you check Justin’s PR is OK with this? Ed).

Social services in desperate housing crisis plea

Borsetshire’s social housing team said this week they were struggling to cope with a sudden peak in demand from families with special needs.
‘Obviously, we can’t name individual service users,’ said a spokesperson. ‘But our emergency housing team is being tested to the limit. One family, about to be thrown out of their temporary hotel accommodation, requires a care facility for a 94-year-old man with a bad back and farmer’s lung.
‘Our assessment also shows the family needs space for ferrets and a pony, and somewhere to slaughter and prepare several dozen turkeys.
‘We hate the thought of splitting a family up just before Christmas, but there may be no alternative. The old gentleman is putting a brave face on it, but honestly, this job breaks your heart sometimes.
‘We’d ask any readers of The Ambridge Observer who could offer this family somewhere to stay to contact us. For example, if you are a wealthy couple who are spending the winter in Italy, and need long-term house sitters for your sprawling farmhouse because you have recently been burgled, we’d love to hear from you.’
 • Over to you, readers! Can you think of anyone who might fit the bill? Ed.

Special festive quiz

Christmas can be a tricky time of year, when the heady mix of parties, family and mulled cider often brings simmering tensions to the boil. So why not try our quick quiz to test your emotional intelligence, and pick up some tips for sailing serenely through the festive season?

1.Your wife seems unhappy and has booked herself on a solo trip to New Zealand. Do you:
a) book yourself a ticket and tell her she can’t go without you?
b) make her feel as loved and needed as you can before she goes?
c) confront her with your daughter and accuse her of making some kind of statement?

2.  Your wife complains she is left out of decisions on the farm. When two of your cows fall sick, do you:
a) cancel her trip because you need her expertise?
b) promise to send her health updates on the herd every day?
c) treat the cows with your daughter and agree not to tell your wife?

3. You are concerned that you and your wife are drifting apart. Do you:
a) remind her that she would be nothing without you?
b) have a heart-to-heart and agree to work harder on your relationship?
c) confide in your mum, who tells you not to worry?

How did you answer?

Mostly A:
You love your wife but are perhaps a little too controlling. Have you been taking advice from Rob Titchener?
Mostly B:
You seem caring and considerate. Are you sure you belong in Ambridge?
Mostly C:
You have the emotional intelligence of an ironing board. Are you David Archer?

Café offers seductive selection

Fallon Rogers and Emma Grundy this week unveiled the menu at The Ambridge Tea Room at Bridge Farm, which will be opening soon. ‘My partner Harrison has been a great inspiration,’ said Ms Rogers. ‘Although it’s completely untrue that we ‘christened’ the café like we did our new home at Woodbine Cottage. Rob just happened to see me trip over one of Tony Archer’s new tables, and Harrison fell on top of me, that’s all.’
The tearoom’s Naughty Winter Treats menu features:
• Cheeky Chelsea buns
• Kissmas cake
• Fondant fancies-you
• Rumpy-pumpy babas
• Hot, hot , hot chocolate with whipped cream
• Egg snog
(That’s enough winter treats. Feeling a bit queasy. Ed).


  1. hope someone will be able to tell me whatever happened about that DNA test that Rob was supposed to be having re: child to his ex-wife?? There never seems to have been a solution to that?? This storyline is obviously going to drawn out for YEARS with this Rob as the villian, currently overcontrolling Helen, its all a bit ABSURD to me, he is not working, left his last job under a cloud and this namby pamby woman Helen doesnt say a word?? nor any of her family, seems a very odd storyline when he is obvioulsy being slowly hyped up as "villian" - does anybody else agree?? amateursewing.

    1. Rather than being slowly ramped up as a villain, I think the archers are showing how subtle and pervasive domestic abuse can be. Refuge are doing a campaign about the 16 signs of abuse, Rob is ticking so many boxes.

      Re: the DNA test - the result came back with him not the father, but clearly something is amiss with that. I suspect you're right and they'll pick this up again in future.

  2. Hi the result of the DNA test showed Rob was telling the truth and he could not be the father of Jess's baby. Much to most of the listeners' disbelief and disappointment.

  3. Hi the result of the DNA test showed Rob was telling the truth and he could not be the father of Jess's baby. Much to most of the listeners' disbelief and disappointment.

  4. Oh, I must have missed that episode, very odd storyline all this, the "Rob" character is OBVIOUSLY going to be a "Villian" but the writers are really DRAGGING it out, I think its going to be an Xmas cliffhanger special, he is obviously very deviously controlling, he forced that woman to lie about his assault on the fox hunter protestory, NOTHING ever happened with her or him after that, his rigging of the Cricket match and his hatred of the guy who he is preventing Helen from seeing and his underhand control of her which is getting so ABSURD now, she, Helen is supposed to be intelligent but she is playing it too namby pamby, like a Victorian wife in a penny dreadful novel, he left his job under spurious circumstances and NO-ONE has ever challenged him, and he wont work!! why is this Helen being so namby pamby when he is bringing nothing in financially, even her normally "sensible" family are not voicing any concerns, its all getting too SILLY AND STUPID!!

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  5. Rob is already a villain. More here -

  6. Yes, he's obviously being played up as the "villian" but the way these idiotic "so called writers" are doing it just leave the rest of the "cast" looking like UTTER IDIOTS!! That business with the assault on the fox hunt protestor was not even pursued, in real life that would have had ENORMOUS implications, it makes the woman who he hoodwinked into lying for him look an idiot! She is supposed to be one of the mainstay characters but the way that storyline has panned out leaves her looking an "unbelievable" character with no credibility, as for this constant and what appears very pernicious "overprotection" and "ownership" of Helen with his undue "care" and "suppression" of her, is "plausible" but the way this Helen is "giving into it" is just not credible, she is a real wet blanket with no "character" at all, it seems very badly written to me that they are OBVIOUSLY going to drag this out and and out for probably 3 years before there is a denouement to this storyline, Its all a bit boring, I only listen to probably 1 episode a week (not an addict) and its ALWAYS at the same "level" with this Rob Character. I dont watch any soaps but it seems to me that the BBC have some rotten writers!! Even Barbara Windsor when she left Eastenders said this!!

    1. We are seeing the overall picture of Rob in a way that none of the other characters do. Not even Helen is witness to all the signs that we are seen.

      Abusive people often leave their victims feeling foolish and humiliated - Rob is even actually using this to undermine Helen now, leaping on every mistake she makes to make her doubt herself.

  7. Love the quiz - seems I am David! Love the naughty menu.😉

  8. yes, I see that but the trouble is that the other "mainstay" characters are just not "plausible" as in real life, the DNA thing and the assault on the foxhunt protestor/hoodwink of woman to lie for him and the rigging of the cricket match were NEVER followed up!! Can YOU believe that would happen in real life?? in a small community these things would NEVER rest!! I see the "concept" of the build up to a denouement of this storyline but the way they are letting the other characters look like idiots just doesnt ring true, especially this insipid boring woman, Helen, who is supposed to be a "businesswoman" just doesnt ring true nor any of her family who havent EVEN questioned why he left his job, wont take a new job, its utterly insane!! The Rob Character is being played up well but the supporting characters are coming across as TOTALLY unbelievable!!

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  10. Dear readers,
    As editor of the Ambridge Observer, I'm perplexed by comments that refer to 'listeners', 'characters' and 'scriptwriters'. This newspaper reports on events happening in the village of Ambridge and is not concerned with the real world. Many readers tell me this is why they like the Ambridge Observer: it is light relief from what may be happening elsewhere. Of course, as a newspaper we embrace freedom of speech and abhor censorship so I have only deleted two comments for being either impolite or profane. But please be mindful that comments about 'episodes', 'story lines' or 'drama' will only befuddle readers who are perfectly happy in Ambridge Observer world. Many thanks and do please keep reading!

  11. But Ambridge is real. It is a real part of my life. And I listened to a genuine cricketing expert discussing Rob's shocking on-pitch shenanigans (on Feedback I think) - so it clearly DOES exist.

    Any suggestions to the contrary must be speedily repudiated! Keep up the good work.