Vicar promises a ‘radical Nativity’ this Christmas
The Rev Alan Franks,
vicar of St Stephen’s, has announced a ‘contemporary and bold reworking’ of the
traditional Nativity play in Ambridge this year.
‘Instead of children
dressing up in tea towels, and Shula bringing that dreadful donkey, we’re going
to have real Ambridge residents playing the Holy Family,’ he said.
‘Eddie and Clarrie
Grundy will be a homeless couple, looking for somewhere to sleep over
Christmas, leading Eddie’s father Joe, 94, on his faithful old pony Bartleby.
‘We’ve got Kathy Perks
as the innkeeper, turning them out of Grey Gables on Christmas Eve to make room
for the three kings from the East, played by Justin Elliott and his two Polish
oligarch friends, Ignazio and Wojciech. And of course Hazel Woolley was born to
play King Herod.
‘As there is no room
for the Grundys anywhere, churchgoers will find them on Christmas Day in Bartleby’s
old stable at Keeper’s Cottage, led there by a cabbage over the door (kindly
donated by Ian at Grey Gables).
‘I’m sure this will
shake Ambridge out of its cosy Christmas complacency,’ said Rev Franks. ‘Of
course, no one will actually offer the Grundys an affordable home, but Bishop
Andrew will be delighted at my radical approach. We might even get on Midlands Today.’
Police service goes high-tech
Borsetshire’s Rural
Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) unveiled a new high-tech weapon in the fight
against crime this week, as yet another Ambridge home fell victim to burglary.
‘We’re going to be
swapping our notebooks and pens for tablets,’ PC Burns announced. ‘It’s just as
well, because Fallon writes little love letters all over my crime reports.
Look, here’s one she scribbled on my notes on the theft of Ed Grundy’s cattle.
It’s got hearts and… oh, maybe not look at that one. Oops! Censored!
‘Anyway, I’ll soon be
able to issue crime numbers on the spot, which might help victims of burglary
like Caroline and Oliver Sterling at Grange Farm,’ he said. ‘Frankly, that’s
about all I can do. Forensics aren’t likely to find anything and whoever put
graffiti all over their walls didn’t even have the decency to sign their name. Criminals,
eh. What are they like?
‘Our hands are tied –
which funnily enough, is one of the little games Fallon and I like to play…. ‘(That’s more than enough policing. Ed.)
The Trials of Ruth Archer
In chapter 4 of our exclusive Autumn serial, by
award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine looks deep into
her heart for answers…
With a heavy sigh, Ruth
ended her phone call and headed to the yard, where David was scraping muck. He
was concentrating, his tongue stuck out, just like the home movies Jill loved
to show of him playing with his toy farm as a boy. ‘David – I’ve just paid the
bills me mam ran up at Marvin House. You know, eye tests, chiropody, hair
dressing and that,’ she said, her voice breaking.
‘Well, they turned out
to be a waste of money, didn’t they love?’ David said cheerily – then stopped
as he saw his wife’s stricken face.
‘I’m so sorry Ruth,’
he said, drawing her towards him with a large, muck-covered paw. ‘Thoughtless
of me. But it’s time to think of the future. How much of Heather’s money have
you spent? Because Pip’s going to need a heap to pay for her share-farming with
Adam …’
Suddenly, the yard
swam in front of Ruth’s eyes. Share-farming with Adam? ‘But… I thought Pip was
going to a swanky new job in Brazil!’ she gasped.
‘Good Lord love, how
long have you been in Prudhoe?’ David shook his head and chuckled. ‘No, silly,
she’s going to graze ewe hoggs and farm 150 store cattle with Adam. Didn’t we
tell you?’
‘I suppose… well, it
would have been nice to be in on the discussion!’ Ruth snapped, stalking off
into the house, her anger hiding her deep sense of sorrow that yet again, she was a stranger in
her own home…
*
‘Yes Rex, if you want
to do up this old place for your goose processing, you go right ahead!’ Ruth
tossed her head, with its short, tousled crop, and stamped her Wellington boot
on the rough floor of Hollowtree Barn. It felt good to make a decision for
once.
‘Wow, Ruth, I never
knew you could be so assertive!’ said Rex, his hazel eyes dancing appreciatively.
‘Don’t you even need to ask David?’
‘Ask him? What for!’
Ruth’s laugh sounded convincing, even to her.
‘Oh yes, of course.
You two are so close; you think as one, so you don’t need to ask,’ said Rex
ruefully. ‘I wish me and Tobes were like that. He’s always promising stuff we
can’t deliver.’
‘Ah well, you can’t
bluff your way in farming,’ said Ruth sagely. But her defiant mood was suddenly
as dead as Rex’s geese would soon be. If only this handsome young man knew the
truth: no one seemed to need her any more. And when Jill returned to Brookfield
on Sunday, David wouldn’t even notice whether she was there or not.
Thoughtfully, she
brushed a wisp of straw off Rex’s rugby-shirted shoulder and told herself not
to wonder if it would be a good place to cry on…
*
In the marquee at
Lower Loxley, Dan’s 21st birthday party was in full swing. Ruth sat
at an empty table, swigging neat gin from the tankard she’d so carefully chosen
as Dan’s gift. Now, like her, it lay discarded and ignored. On the dance floor,
Alan, Jim, Jenny and Lily were dancing Gangnam-style, but the ridiculous sight
couldn’t even make her smile. In the corner, David had his back to her, talking
to Phoebe, whose stunning up-do was nodding as she explained something
earnestly to him and Brian. The dry-cleaning ticket was still attached to
David’s suit, but Ruth was past caring. After all, her own red dress had never
quite recovered from that New Year’s Eve calving emergency in 1989.
What was it Kenton had
said, as he proudly came to repay the first 50p of the £26,000 he owed them?
‘David is a rotter and a chiz, as any fule kno!’ he’d said. ‘He always gets
what he wants…’
‘Penny for them?’ Usha
sat down next to her. In a clever nod to east vs west, she had teamed a gold
sari with a Country Casuals cardigan. ‘Oh Usha, I feel so stuck on the outside
of things,’ Ruth wailed. ‘I’m not sure David knows who I am any more, or even
if we’re still right for each other. And I’m the only woman in Ambridge Lynda
hasn’t asked to be in Calendar Girls!
What can I do?’
To be continued…
Personal announcements
ENGAGEMENT
Adam Macy of Home Farm
and Pip Archer of Brookfield are delighted to announce their engagement to
share-farm Adam’s herbal leys with a herd of up to 150 store cattle. ‘We’re
looking forward to a long and fruitful relationship,’ said Mr Macy. ‘Pip and I
are both ambitious, hard-working, and in a privileged position where we can
afford to set up new farming ventures, unlike poor Ed Grundy and those feckless
Fairbrother boys.’
‘No couple likes to
start off with a mountain of debt, so I’m lucky that Dad has promised me cash
from Granny Heather’s legacy to pay for my share of the cows,’ said Miss
Archer. ‘I’m so glad I walked out of my job in High Wycombe now. With my
hoggetts, stubble turnips and now this wonderful new life with Adam I’m the
happiest girl in the world!’
Dear Editor, please can you tack this next
announcement on the end for free? And can you put it in smaller type so Charlie
Thomas might miss it? He’s already worried that Justin Elliott might be about
to sack him. Thanks, A. Macy.
Ian Craig and Adam
Macy are delighted to announce that their wedding will take place on December
14.
No, you tightwad. Pay separately. Ed.
SITUATION NOT WANTED
Talented, resourceful
herd manager, skilled in managing teams, processes and budgets, experienced with
all types of farm machinery and drainage systems (especially culverts).
Definitely not looking for a job. Far too busy pursuing personal and family
interests in Ambridge. Potential employers need not apply. Just back off, will
you. R. Titchener, Blossom Hill Cottage.
So glad to find out that Kenton is really
ReplyDeleteN.Molesworth.
Is Adam, Fotherington Thomas???
If Adam is Fotherington Thomas, Dave, I hope he puts a stop to it after the wedding!
DeleteSnorts of mirth and several sniggers. Love 'up-do' & what picture you conjure of Usha in sari teamed with Country Casuals cardie. It might just be the next fashion thing ...
ReplyDeleteJust logged in to share the same giggle! Teaming a sari with a Country Casuals cardie indeed!
ReplyDeleteUsha opted for the cardigan just in case the sari was a bit too 'full on' for Shula…
ReplyDeleteI thought it might be in case of inclement weather ...
DeleteWell, that too. But we know Shula hasn't always been tolerant of cultural differences...
DeleteJust not religious differences
DeleteI really don't think that you are being quite unfair enough to Ruth.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely marvelous, and such attention to detail - right down to the generously donated cabbage!
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful the way people in Ambridge rally round. Imagine, a hotel chef donating a whole cabbage!
DeleteHahaha ... Brilliant!
ReplyDeletePure genius, thank you!
ReplyDeleteSO much better than the radio 4 parody broadcast daily @19.02
(WTF is going on, has goggle taken over blogspot.co.uk as well while my attention was elsewhere in the slurry pit? Was given no option to log in here with my blogger name, damn their filthy capitalist ways, grrrrr. Does Hazel Woolley have a controlling interest in this property too?)
Oops! Can't speak for blogspot, I'm sorry. The Ambridge Observer IT department can just about stretch to changing the ink cartridge in the printer... thanks for lovely comments!
DeleteChrstine,
DeleteSo sorry for having littered your wonderful site with the above rant, but it made me very angry. These people are worse than NSA.
When I looked into it, it appears they've opened a gmail account without my knowledge or consent using my existing blogger name and password so i can still log into blogspot using that.
Please do feel free to delete these off-topic rantings.
Hello Blogg Dogg, that's perfectly fine. Every paper worth its salt values its 'green ink' correspondents! Hope you get your Blogger problems sorted.
Delete