Sunday, 11 October 2015

In the news this week: poachers on the prowl, goose on the menu and Rob riding high

Brave Grundys gang up on poachers

The Ambridge country sports community was shocked to the core this week when gamekeeper Will Grundy and his brother Ed got on well enough to track a gang of deer poachers on the Borchester Land estate.
‘We never thought the truce between Will and Ed would last after Ed’s wedding,’ said a source. ‘And when Will said Ed and Emma couldn’t move back into their cottage because of a smell in the kitchen, we guessed he was up to his old tricks, hiding prawns in the pipes.
'But when Ed spotted the poachers in woodland one night, Will was at his side in a shot – and we don’t mean a shot aimed at his brother.’
‘I couldn’t be prouder of my boys,’ said Eddie Grundy. ‘Even if chasing them poachers meant Will never turned up to help me clean the cider press, like he promised. Still, what’s a few cases of botulism when you’ve got family like mine?’
It’s believed that a gang of three or four poachers, with dogs, guns and lamps, are targeting local shoots for venison and game birds.
Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) confirmed he was on the case. ‘I will be making a few phone calls as soon as I’ve moved into Woodbine Cottage with Fallon and decided where to keep my weights,’ he said.
‘However, my priority is to track down the thieves who looted Christine Barford’s things after the flood. I need to find out why they didn’t take a picture of a kitten with a ball of wool. Fallon and I are stuck with it now and it’s hideous.’

Ambridge says goodbye to Heather

The congregation of St Stephen’s gathered this week to remember Ruth Archer’s mother Heather Pritchard, who sadly passed away on the M1 southbound recently. With the family’s permission, we reprint Rev Alan Franks’s tribute in full:
‘It’s not often that someone comes along who touches so many lives in Ambridge, but Heidi Richards (oops, sorry, Heather Pritchard) was one of those people. Many of us will remember her cheery ‘Helloo pet’ from the car window as Ruth whisked her back to Prudhoe after an all-too-short visit. And we know Bridge Farm had to stock up on extra Borsetshire Blue whenever Hilary – sorry, Heather – was around! (gentle laughter).
‘Even at the last, the lady known as ‘Granny Whatever’ (sorry, I should say ‘Granny Heather’) was thinking of her family, with a little graduation gift for granddaughter Pip. I’m sure Pip will treasure the samba drum even though she had changed her mind about going to Brazil.
‘And of course, just before she left us, Heather was about to have a major impact on the life of our very own Jill Archer, by moving into Brookfield and forcing Jill to leave the home she loved and hoped to die in (sorry, Jill told me to leave that bit out).
‘But every cloud has a silver lining, and we are very grateful to the Archer family for the donation of a brand-new orthopaedic bed. This will be sold to boost the Refugee Appeal, now that I’ve told Justin Elliott that I would rather see victims  starve than be offended by a flashy, over-the-top contribution from him.’

Christmas show will be double delight

Two of Ambridge’s iconic businesses, Grey Gables and Lower Loxley, will be joining forces this year to present the best Christmas show ever, says local impresario Lynda Snell.
‘There is so much we can share!’ said Mrs Snell. ‘Roy Tucker and I have already raided Lost Property at Grey Gables for props and found a treasure trove of comedy dentures, toupees and a bicycle bell. With his unique knowledge of the local entertainment scene, Roy is tracking down cameo performances from the likes of Blackgrass Death, the farming ‘thresh metal’ band.
‘And I’ve been perusing BAMDRAM’s list of recommended productions for ideas. I’m sure Albee, Beckett and Wesker can help us reach even greater heights with ‘Brothers Goose’. I’m thinking of asking Roy’s daughter Phoebe for some creative input: she’s applying for Oxford University, did you know? Never let it be said that Lynda Snell is trumped by FLOPS!’

Personal announcement

Rob Titchener of Blossom Hill Cottage is delighted to announce the arrival of his baby son at Borchester Hospital, on 20 May 2016. The healthy boy, who will weigh 8lbs exactly, will be named Robert Robertson FitzRob Titchener and will be known as ‘Rob Junior’. Rob Junior will be the image of his father and will grow up to be an outstanding horseman, all-round cricketer and useful rugby forward. Rob Titchener senior and his wife Helen wish to make it clear that Rob Junior will be a proper normal son, unlike his half-brother Henry, whose father is a label on a test tube somewhere, so it was very generous of Rob senior to offer to take complete parental control over him, really.


Make sure your Christmas is a real turkey!

This year’s Grundy Turkeys are fattening up nicely - especially since Joe hung a cabbage up in the barn to stop them pecking each other’s eyes out!
So order a famous Grundy Turkey for your festive table now, and take advantage of these special offers for Christmas 2015:
• Every turkey properly dressed (in a Santa onesie run up by our Emma)
• A free rabbit with every bird! (well rested, so the fleas have jumped off)
• Free Christmas card – unique design made by Florence the Painting Ferret
• Clarrie Grundy’s original chestnut stuffing recipe and food hygiene tips!
• Every bird delivered with proper rural cap-doffing, not like them posh Fairbrother boys with their airs and graces and skinny geese, robbing us of our Grundy birthright by sweeping on the local celebration poultry market like locusts and… (That’ll do Eddie; it’s extra for more words. Ed).

All change at The Bull

Work on the foundations of The Bull is due to start in the next week or so, and then it’s full steam ahead for the refurbishment, landlord Kenton Archer has announced.
Regulars said they were delighted at the prospect. ‘It will be nice to have somewhere warm to do the crossword and chew the fat with my friend Jazzer,’ said ‘Prof’ Jim Lloyd. ‘Non erit semper aestas, after all.’
‘Aye, it’s about time they got rid of that graffiti in the urinals,’ said Jazzer McCreary. ‘Mind you, they can’t fix the toilets quick enough for me. After months of Pat’s chickpea starters and vegetable stews, I shift enough ballast to sink a battleship, if you get my drift. And wind! I have to keep blaming Barry’s exploding crisp packets. It’s not natural.’



  1. Speechless with evil cackling. I sound like Lilian after a bottle of gin. *Opps*

  2. Too wonderful for words. Thanks.

  3. Too wonderful for words. Thanks.

  4. Too wonderful for words. Thanks.

  5. Aw, thank you Cathy and Plodder. Your evil cackling will get me through writing this week's issue Cathy!

  6. Tittering away over my morning cuppa especially the vision of turkeys dressed up in homemade onesies! I may have to go and run one up myself! Lol