Spooky tales turn off the tourists
Mr Grundy said he apologised if anyone was
distressed by his talks.
‘But it’s all true enough,’ he protested. ‘There was a dozen cattle down at Berrow
Farm; Mike Tucker seen ’em. You mark my words, this affliction that’s hit them beasts
is a judgment on that Charlie Thomas and his unnatural practices. It’ll be a
plague of locusts and frogs by Christmas or I’ll eat Bartleby’s bridle.’
Cops get tough on Ambridge crime wave
Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison
Burns) called a special press conference this week to draw attention to the
spate of crime affecting local businesses.
‘We are of course aware of the poachers
targeting the Borchester Land estate, and the recent theft of a herd of
bullocks owned by Mr Ed Grundy,’ he said. ‘Our enquiries are ongoing. It was a shame the only witness, Kenton Archer, didn't actually see anything. But on
Sunday I had a very good burger from the kebab van on the bypass that I’m sure
had a piece of eartag in it. So we have a strong lead there.
‘But my focus this week is on crimes
against retail design. My partner Fallon had come up with some lovely plans for
her new café at Bridge Farm; it features mismatched furniture and china, fabric
screens to create a series of cosy spaces, and a vintage kitchen. Delightful.
But project manager Rob Titchener says it’s "a junk shop with added Earl Grey" and
told her it’s got to be all clean lines and "branding".
She was so upset. One more step out of line
from him, and I’ll be arresting him for harassment. Any questions?’
NEW SERIES: Call the Midwife
Inspired
by the popular TV series, we ask local midwife Ellie Richards, of
Borchester General, to answer readers’ questions:
Q I’m expecting my second baby – my first
with my husband, who is a wonderful stepfather to my four-year-old son. Well,
father, once he makes me sign the papers. Things are absolutely fine at home.
Really, they are. I’m looking forward to the birth. Honestly. And I’m not
anxious about anything. Not at all. And as for being abused: good Lord no. I
don’t feel threatened or vulnerable in any way. So everything’s going to be
fine, isn’t it? (Sorry, I have to end this email now; my husband will be home
soon). Helen T, Ambridge.
A
Well Helen, in your situation, there are a couple of issues that might concern
me. It’s never easy looking after a small child and a new baby; it’s a lot for
a man to take on. But thank you for sending a picture of your husband. I say,
he’s a dish, isn’t he? You’ve got nothing to worry about there. I’d have him as
my screensaver if I weren’t so professional! So yes, I’d say you were in
excellent hands, you lucky girl.
PS
Does he have a brother?
Personal announcement
The Archer family of Brookfield would like
to thank friends and family for their support and kindness following the loss
of Ruth’s mother, Heather Pritchard. Thanks go to people who sent wreaths (even
though Heather hated spending money on flowers) and to those who gave to her
favourite stroke charity, especially the Grundy family who can’t really afford
it. Thanks also to Pip, Heather’s granddaughter, who read beautifully at the
service, and to the Craven Heifer, Prudhoe, for laying on a lovely spread. It
was a fitting way to celebrate the life of a lady who loved a good laugh, even
though her last year was full of pain, misery and loneliness (Ed, please cut this bit. My wife Ruth isn’t
herself. Time to move on. David Archer.)
Autumn fiction special: The Trials of Phoebe Aldridge
Award-winning author Lavinia Catwater continues our new romantic saga. In Chapter Two, our teenaged heroine struggles between ambition and true love:
‘But Phoebe, you’re so lovely and normal. What do
you want with all those stuck-up overachievers?’ said Alex, nuzzling her neck
in the way that always thrilled her. ‘I’d miss you so much – and you wouldn’t
want to disappoint me, would you?’
He gave her the sad-puppy look she found
irresistible. The thought he might leave her made her go cold with fear. Oh,
why was she following this crazy Oxford dream, when Alex was her whole world?
‘Well, maybe a bit longer…’ she smiled, pulling his Top Gear duvet cover over
them both…
***
Back at Home Farm, Phoebe bit moodily into her
chicken sandwich. The memory of Alex’s urgent kisses was still warm. She knew
she couldn’t live without him – and hadn’t he told her she wasn’t good enough
to get into Oxford, anyway? Wouldn’t it be simplest to apply to Felpersham Uni?
But then she remembered the words of her father Roy. ‘If Alex doesn’t support
you, he’s not the boy for you!’ he had warned, expertly jamming on the
handbrake to stop her hitting a tow-truck on her driving lesson. Oh, why did she have to choose
between the people she loved most?
‘Phoebe, Phoebe darling, just the person!’ Her mother
Kate burst into the kitchen in a cloud of patchouli scent, shattering her train
of thought. ‘How would you like to come and work at my holistic retreat? We
could design a job for you – customer service, typing, anything you like! Just
put that disgusting sandwich down and talk to me, darling. Sweetheart – where
are you going!’
But Phoebe had grabbed her phone and dashed out
into the yard. Suddenly, her decision was as clear as one of Kate’s crystals.
‘Hello dad – I’ve put in my application!’ she told a delighted Roy. But even as
they laughed together, she couldn’t ignore a nagging fear, deep in her heart.
What would Alex say? To be continued….
This Christmas I will be going to Aldi in
Felpersham for a four-bird roast and some of their delicious Wensleydale and cranberry
cheese.
Yours faithfully
Gemma Hawkins (Mrs).
Just brilliant! Thank you. Keep 'em coming, please.
ReplyDeleteQuite brilliant.
DeleteAs above, totally brilliant! A joy
ReplyDeleteI look forward to your insightful reporting every week. Keep 'em coming! 😄
ReplyDeletemade me laugh out loud
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone - really kind of you to comment. It makes all that undercover reporting in Ambridge worthwhile!
ReplyDelete