Village hails its have-a-go Gran
Ambridge residents
declared 91-year-old Peggy Woolley a heroine this week after she singlehandedly
saved the village shop from closure by her own stepdaughter, Hazel Woolley.
‘We would have carried
her shoulder-high if it weren’t for her dodgy hips,’ said one grateful
villager. ‘You should have seen the way she marched into the shop, armed only
with a legal document and a lethal dose of emotional blackmail.
‘Hazel didn’t stand a
chance, despite her armed security guards and bullet-proof limo with knives on
the wheels.’ (Are you sure? Ed)
‘It was nothing,’ said
a modest Mrs Woolley afterwards. ‘I just reminded Hazel that her father Jack
was a generous-hearted man who wouldn’t have been proud to see his daughter
damage the very heart of the village.
‘And then of course I
had the ultimate deterrent – Christine Barford’s ginger biscuits. Not even
Hazel’s titanium crowns could withstand them, and once her mouth was clamped
shut she was putty in my hands. Would you like one?’
Say cheese! Rob serves up a stinker
Bridge Farm,
Ambridge’s popular organic dairy brand, is delighted to announce the launch of
a new cheese. ‘Stinking Scoundrel’ is the brainchild of Rob Titchener, who
explains how his wife Helen taught him the art:
‘Cheese-making is a
very personal thing and I see a lot of myself in this one,’ he said. ‘It’s a
fascinating process; you insinuate a special fungus into the milk, stir things up as
much as you can, and cut up the curds into tiny pieces. Then you leave it to
set so the rot runs right through.
‘It’s a powerful
cheese; bullies everything else on the plate if you’re not careful. I wanted to
call it ‘Henry Titchener’, as I’m about to adopt my stepson, but we felt
‘Stinking Scoundrel’ summed up the cheeky humour of the brand. Didn’t we
darling?’
Women’s Institute is 100 years young
Several generations of
Ambridge womanhood celebrated the 100th anniversary of the Women’s
Institute with a splendid feast in St Stephen’s Church this week.
The committee dressed
in vintage costumes to mark the occasion, while members wore purple, green and
white sashes made by stalwarts Clarrie Grundy and Susan Carter.
After an
Edwardian-style supper prepared by the members, Mrs Jill Archer reminded the
audience that the Ambridge WI was set up by her mother-in-law Doris in 1927,
and that her granddaughter Pip was involved in the WI today. She went on to
recall the WI’s campaigns for women’s votes, fair trade, the dairy industry and
bees.
When the audience woke
up, they all stood for a rousing chorus of ‘Sister Suffragette’ from Mary Poppins (no, they didn’t. It was Jerusalem. Behave. Ed)
‘It was all right, if
you don’t mind leg-of-mutton sleeves in your soup, and you’ve got the teeth to
cope with Nic Grundy’s barley bread,’ said guest Mrs Lilian Bellamy. ‘But there
was no gin, and no trouser, if you know what I mean darling! Don’t suppose
you’ve got a ciggie?’
This week on the message boards:
Justin Elliott’s offer
to fund the new village hall is the talk of the Ambridge online community this
week. The Observer listens in:
• ‘Who does this
megalomaniac Justin Timberlake guy think he is? Coming over here, splashing the
cash. The old folk hate his so-called music anyway. Who’s thinking about them?
I vote for the Jeremy Corbyn Hall! ’ Anon
• ‘My wife Moira and I
have happy memories of the village hall; it’s where I proposed to her after a
dance, more than 50 years ago. In fact, if anyone finds a pair of Utility
knickers under the stage during the rebuilding, we’d quite like them back for
old times’ sake!’ Eric White
• ‘The village should
take the money. You don’t have to like the guy. I mean, if it was your brother,
who you hate and despise, who offered you cash to bail you out, you’d take it,
wouldn’t you? I mean, I would. And Justin isn’t even family.’ CrazyKenton
• ‘Is it really appropriate to be considering our own needs when there is a
refugee crisis in Europe? I for one will be asking Mr Elliott to convert the
village hall into a reception centre. The village’s generosity has already been
overwhelming (thank you, Neil and Susan Carter, for the tin of spaghetti). But
we could do so much more!’ AlanTheVicar
• ‘Hey guys, I’ve got a great idea! Why not celebrate the new village hall
with a fantastic feast of roast goose? Rex and I can let Justin have a goose
for every single villager – very reasonable prices. Whaddya say?’ Tobes.
Personal Announcement
Caroline and I would
like to thank all our friends for your kind wishes as we set off on our Tuscan
adventure. It was lovely to see so many of you at our combined farewell party
and celebration of dear old Joe Grundy’s 94th birthday.
Before we go, we would
just like to say that we will forget all about you the moment we get on the
plane. We will miss absolutely nothing about Ambridge; we’re sick of the
Grundys cluttering up Grey Gables, tired of Roy’s unctuous bumbling about, and
frankly if we could afford it we’d retire to Italy for good.
So please don’t bother
us with any of your petty problems while we’re enjoying la dolce vita. Arrivederci, losers! Oliver Sterling, Grange Farm.
Brilliant and scathing as usual. Love the idea of 'Stinking Scoundrel'! Just the sort of thing you'd like to serve up to people you reeeeally don't like! The only backlash would be the Rob Titchner would see it as a success! 😜
ReplyDeleteHa - thank you! Yes, I think Rob would just see it as a tribute to his manly personality...:-)
ReplyDelete