Money
worries split leading families
The Archer siblings realised a shocking
truth this week: there will be no more family meals until the row with Kenton
is sorted out. ‘How can we carry on making raspberry cheesecake and mum’s
special stew if no one turns up to eat them?’ wailed Shula, shovelling the
leftovers from Pip’s farewell/welcome back meal into Tig the dog.
There was nothing for it: to get Kenton to
come to dinner (and incidentally to save The Bull), the family would have to
stump up the £26,000 needed for the building works. Jolene was touchingly
grateful for the offer, but whether Kenton will accept the cash is still
uncertain, especially as he has added ‘throwing my poor mum out of Brookfield’ to
the list of David’s capital crimes.
Meanwhile Brian needed extra blood pressure
medication to handle Adam’s new sustainable cropping plans at Home Farm. The
prospect of turning 17 per cent of the arable land into herbal leys sent him
into overdrive: ‘I see how it works: you pour money down the drain, then you
carry on pouring money down the drain!’ he fumed. ‘Oh, come along Brian; Adam
knows what he’s doing. With his experience in Kenya he’ll have the place
buzzing!’ said Jennifer, soothing him with hummus and a Cornish pasty. ‘Yes,
with bailiffs!’ said Brian, spraying pastry all over the worktop.
However Kate was the unlikely beneficiary
of his rage, as he gave her the land for her holistic retreat with barely a
murmur – although it’s coming out of the herbal ley allocation. ‘Let Adam deal
with Kate; they can weave crop circles together,’ he mumbled despairingly into
his lunchtime burgundy.
Carter
bid to save hall sparks council row
Ambridge Parish Council was in uproar this
week as it emerged that chair Neil Carter had approached Justin Elliott for
help to rebuild the village hall without the approval of fellow councillors.
The leaked email (no need to say Justin’s PR copied us in. Ed) praises Damara
Capital boss Mr Elliott as a ‘visionary philanthropist’ and ‘saviour of
Ambridge’, and asks ‘his most generous beneficence’ for a donation of at least
£100,000 to rebuild the hall.
‘It’s outrageous! This is the man who wants
to run a road through Ambridge and turn the landscape into industrial
wasteland!’ said one councillor, who asked not to be named. ‘Of course, Carter’s
wife Susan put him up to it. I bet he just typed out what she said. That woman
is Lady Macbeth in a pink and orange paisley tabard.’
High
hopes for youngsters as new school year starts
It was back to school for Ambridge’s
students this week: how did they get on?
• Keira
Grundy enjoyed her first day at Loxley Barrett, despite a few tears (surely, 20-minute screaming tantrum? Ed).
‘Well, what do they expect if they try to take her Elsa-from-Frozen costume off her? It’s not right!’
said mum Emma.
• Henry
Archer After a mix-up at registration, when stepfather Rob insisted his
surname was ‘Titchener”, Henry settled in well. ‘Don’t worry about silly mummy
crying again, Henry,’ said Rob. ’Women are like that. I’ll keep a close eye on
her for you.’
• Phoebe
Aldridge celebrated stellar AS results with just one square of dark
chocolate and was back in Borchester High library before term started. ‘Why am
I trying so hard to get into Oxbridge? Have you met my mother?’ she said.
• Josh
Archer is looking forward to a more relaxed final year. ‘Yeah, I dropped PE
– couldn’t hack the theory side,’ he said. ‘Anyway, you don’t need exams to
build up an Egg Empire. Toby Fairbrother says so.’
It’s
Pip’s brilliant blog from Brazil!
Young
Ambridge farmer Pip Archer is off on an exciting adventure working for Webster
Agri-International in Brazil. Before she went, the Ambridge Observer snapped up the rights to her
travel blog – and here’s her first post!
Umm, OK guys, I know this is a bit
embarrassing, but I only lasted two days in the job! Yes, they dangled Sao
Paolo in front of me, but it was meetings and spreadsheets all the way. So here
I am again, cleaning tractor filters, ordering limestone for the new trackway
and testing calf dung for colostrum. Never a dull moment!
OK, yeah, it was awkward that mum and dad
had to pay the contract milker £2,500 to leave (shame: he was quite cute!) but
I had a brainwave! I’m going to grow stubble turnips and bring Welsh sheep in
to graze them; small margins but low input and the ewe hoggs (that’s weaned
lambs, not gimmer shearlings, or ewes of course) will improve soil fertility
too…
(Give
me strength. I hope we’re not paying her for this. Ed)
Letter
to the Editor
Dear
Madam,
I am writing to offer you my services as
theatre critic. As you may know I have occupied this role at the Borchester Echo for many years. But I
find I am obliged to transfer my allegiance elsewhere.
I returned from my ‘Mapp & Lucia’
weekend in Rye to find the standards of critique
in the Echo, which I have
nurtured since dear Dame Judi was an ingénue,
traduced – traduced! – by that parvenue Lynda
Snell (Dylan Nells fools no one darling). The woman can barely direct a
pantomime cow, let alone convey the nuances
and chiaroscuro of Magic Opera’s
performances at Lower Loxley.
Her ‘review’ also committed the ultimate faux pas of commenting on the audience. Readers
do not wish to know what the hoi polloi have
for their interval picnic or whether a ghastly mobile phone goes off. Yet the Snell/Nells woman is obsessed
with Wurzels ringtones and selfie sticks. I can only assume she is a closet
Cumberbitch who should never be allowed near the operatic milieu.
I trust, Madam, your organ will be more
accommodating to my superior talents.
Yours
ever,
Tristram Hawkshaw (www.hatchethawkshaw.com)
Ask
him to cover Borchester WI’s centenary ‘divertissement’. Should put him off. Ed.
Postie
‘baffled’ over homes mix-up
Ambridge’s much-loved postman, Pat, has
complained he ‘can’t keep track of the comings and goings’ of villagers
displaced by the flood. For any readers confused by who is living where, here’s
an Ambridge Observer handy guide:
• Adam and Ian are back home in Honeysuckle
Cottage, which was renovated in record time and with minimum fuss.
• Caroline and Oliver are no nearer to
moving back into Grange Farm and are going to Tuscany for three months to
escape the chaos.
• Eddie, Clarrie and Joe Grundy are still
in Grey Gables, but hope to be back in Keeper’s Cottage before Joe’s 94th
birthday.
• This is news to their landlady Hazel
Woolley, who plans to evict them as soon as she’s lined up new high-spending
tenants.
• Fallon Rogers and PC Harrison Burns are moving
into Woodbine Cottage, once the crack in Christine’s floor is fixed (this may
take some time).
• Jill Archer will not move to Lower Loxley
until she’s seen the whites of Heather’s eyes at Brookfield.
• Lilian is still cluttering up Home Farm
with fag packets and gin bottles; Lynda and Robert Snell are practising feng
shui in Lilian’s Dower House, and Jim is feeling awkward in the frosty
atmosphere at The Stables.
• Grange Spinney residents are still camping
out in tents and caravans outside their ruined homes, but no one really cares
about them. (That’s enough comings and
goings. Ed)
Where is Jazzer?
ReplyDeleteGood point! He was last seen at Bridge Farm, his digestive system at breaking point on Pat's diet of wholemeal bread and root veg....
ReplyDeletemarvellous! thanks....
ReplyDeleteTristram Hawkshaw betrays lack of education when he refers to 'the hoi polloi' instead of just,'hoi polloi'. Jim would have told him that.
ReplyDeleteInteresting point! The office dictionary (aka Sid, who's been a sub since God was a boy) says that as 'hoi' means 'the', in theory you don't need 'the hoi polloi'. But he also says modern usage is to treat 'hoi polloi' as a fixed unit, requiring 'the'. No one dares argue with Sid, especially after lunch. So we corrected Tristram's letter. No doubt he'll be on to complain…
ReplyDeleteThank you for filling in the blanks the script writers leave. Flexible housing indeed.
ReplyDeleteSurely there are caravans available now the strawberry season is over! Yet another opportunity for Brian and Adam to go head to head?
ReplyDelete