Sunday, 6 August 2017

Stop press: The Ambridge Observer goes tabloid!

It's all change for The AmOb


After more than two years as a broadsheet, The Ambridge Observer is moving with the times and this week emerges as The AmOb – a brighter, lighter, snappier, happier (yes, get on with it. Ed) version of your favourite Ambridge weekly.
‘These days we need to fight for readers’ attention and we know they lead busy lives,’ said marketing manager Will Shiftmore. ‘So we’ll be reporting the news in bite-sized chunks and formats that younger readers love: listicles, polls, slideshows and emojis – well, maybe not emojis as we couldn’t find one for  "anaerobic digester".
‘To save readers time we’ve even shortened our title – so it’s goodbye to The Ambridge Observer, and hi to The AmOb! It’s gone down really well with millennials in focus groups and we’re all very excited. But readers can still expect the same standards of unreliable reporting, disregard for the facts and frankly, lamentable journalistic ethics.’
The first edition of the new-look AmOb hits the newsstands today, Sunday August 6 – still weekly, and with a special monthly supplement for our friends over on Facebook


New fête attractions announced


The Human Fruit Machine (three blokes in booths holding up random pieces of fruit) is not the only unusual stall at this year’s Ambridge fête. Also on offer in keeping with the ‘tradition with a twist’ theme are:

Human Speak-Your-Weight Machine
Susan Carter makes personal remarks and asks intrusive questions about your friends and family until you pay her to stop. Donations to the women’s cricket changing room fund.

Human Coconut (Flapjack) Shy
Relive the celebrity chef experience as Jill Archer throws her famous traybakes at your head. Don't forget to Duck-sford! As heard on Radio Borsetshire. Donations to the Happy Friends Café.

Human Bookstall
Listen to Lynda Snell read from her favourite books including Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Get Off My Land, a Nimby’s Manual by Xavier Greene-Belt. Donations to Speedwatch.

Human Kiss-Me-Quick Hat
Tracy Horrobin… (that’s enough stalls. Ed).

News Justin (surely, just in? Ed)


Jill Archer is a late call-up to represent Great Britain in the women’s shot put at the IAAF World Athletic Championships in London. ‘After my arrest for throwing a flapjack I had a few offers to help with campaigns to bring back rural buses, end the badger cull and stop fracking, but this seemed to be the most interesting,’ says Mrs Archer, 86.

Lexi (Surname? Oh, sorry, foreign so not important enough to have one. Ed))
has launched a vlog on YouTube with amusing anecdotes of her experiences learning English while fruit picking at Home Farm. ‘Over the hill or over the top – what is difference?’ says Lexi. ‘Everyone I meet in Ambridge is one or other.’

Matt Crawford has been seconded to the White House to support the communications team while Donald Trump is on vacation. ‘The President met Matt on the golf course a while back and they clicked,’ said Tuesday’s press spokesperson. ‘These are two guys who think the same way and Mr Crawford will fit in real well on Capitol Hill. He says he’s pretty big on Lakey Hill back where he’s from.’

 Meet the professionals: Rupert Leachworthy


The senior partner of solicitors Leachworthy, Fiddler and Crook takes a few moments to explain the complex world of trust law:

Clients often ask me: "As an habitual criminal, how can I ring fence my million-pound house by setting it up in a trust with my ex-partner as sole beneficiary, while also being one of the trustees?"  To which I always reply: “Well Mr Crawford, you and I go back a long way so I would say it is highly unorthodox, but doable. All it requires is the transfer of monies (or a 'bung' in legal parlance) from yourself as the first party to ourselves as the second party. Sweet as."

Poll of the Week


Thanks to Emma Grundy of Grange Farm for this week’s question. Vote now!
Which do you think is more important:

O Housing pigs in the massive new pig unit that no one's bothered about
O Housing me and my family in a new development that people are complaining about even though they're sorted (yes, you Fallon with your mortgage from the Bank of Harrison's Mum and Dad) 

Emma plans to present the results at the next Parish Council meeting, when Justin Elliott’s plans to build seven affordable houses, including one with a cute corner garden just right for the kiddies' trampoline, on land adjacent to Bridge Farm will be discussed.

Pet of the Week

Name: Hilda Ogden
Lives at: The Lodge, with Peggy Woolley and Christine Barford
Likes: Lurking in asters, ripping human flesh
Dislikes: Everything else
Do: Wear oven gloves
Don’t: Call her Ena Sharples



AmOb Classifieds 


FOR SALE

Whatnot, partially distressed. Ideal to fit in awkward alcove in not-very-nice house in Borchester that we really weren’t keen to buy. Apply: Fallon Rogers, Woodbine Cottage.

NOT FOR SALE


Woodbine Cottage, Ambridge. This property has been withdrawn from the market as the owner, Christine Barford, is arranging a private sale to its current tenants. Apologies to the nice young couple from Birmingham who were gazumped, but you're just not right for Ambridge I'm afraid.

6 comments:

  1. How much is the wot-knot, please?

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    Replies
    1. Any reasonable offer... luckily Fallon hasn't had time to distress it fully, so it's a bargain.

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  2. Love those Fete Attractions, especially Susan's effort!

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    Replies
    1. Apparently she made loads of money because no one could take more than five minutes before paying up!

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  3. As a tabloid I was looking forward to the Am Ob dishing the dirt on the darker side eg Jim & Robert - they're not tweeters they go dogging up Jiggins Field; Eddie Grundy streams a hidden webcam of his B&B guests (I can get you the link); Ruth is part way through gender reassignment; PC Burns didn't get the money from his parents, he's on the take. All this just from keeping my ears open down The Bull

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    Replies
    1. Would you like a job Bradders? Any good at hacking phones?

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