Wedding bells, a date for Helen and Ed gets lucky

Vicar praises kindness and calls out trolls

The Revd Alan Franks says he is ‘delighted’ with the response to this year’s ‘Pay for a Favour’ Lent appeal.

‘I’ve heard of some remarkable acts of generosity,’ he said. ‘For instance, a chap called Tim, who seems new to Ambridge, has given plenty of work to Ed Grundy, paid him over the odds, bought him lunch, got Eddie Grundy a replacement van and even paid Emma Grundy a compliment – all without wanting anything in return. I can only think the appeal is inspiring people to be kind and nice to each other. And not a moment too soon, I must say.’

The Revd Franks also used Sunday’s sermon to warn against the rising tide of online abuse that he said can threaten individual wellbeing and social cohesion.

‘I wouldn’t go quite as far as Joe Grundy, who says social media is the devil’s work,’ he said. ‘But I can tell you that responding to a video of Jolene Archer’s singing with the comment: “Get back to the care home, Granny,” is neither kind nor helpful. From now on, no phones will be allowed in Junior Church and I would urge parents to monitor all the family’s screen time.’ 

Coffee break with… Natasha-soon-to-be-Archer

This week we grabbed a few minutes on the phone with Ambridge’s newest bride-to-be, who just happens to be a high-flying entrepreneur!

Q Natasha, it doesn’t seem five minutes since we interviewed you about planting trees with Tom Archer. And now you’re getting married! You’re a fast mover! 

A Sorry, what was that? I’m stuck on the Catthorpe Interchange and the signal’s terrible – anyway, I don’t really care what you asked me so I’ll tell you about the wedding. It’s on my birthday on Friday – we chose that date so our wedding will always really be about me, see? It was like the stars aligned, just like Harry and Meghan, but more Welsh.

Q  How are you managing to organise the wedding at such short notice, and run your business?

A  We’re keeping the wedding simple, so while I was on the M6 the other day I dictated a quick four-page email telling guests about the dress code, timetable, expected behaviour standards and gifts. We don’t want people to go to the trouble of buying presents, so cheques (or cash) will be fine. Anyway, by the time I’d driven from Corley to Lancaster it was all done! 

Q And what about the catering? With you and Tom both in the food business, can we expect something spectacular?

A To be honest, I’m not a massive foodie; it’s more about the presentation for me. So we’re having a buffet at The Bull and my only brief to Jolene was: No cinnamon. And no singing. I dare say we might have Tom’s sausages on sticks, to make it festive. And we’re having a cake made of Pop Tarts, because they’re my favourite. Makes a croque-en-bouche look so 2018, if you know what I mean? Oh thank God the traffic’s moving. Gotta go – I’m already late for my packaging supplier in Brownhills. 

   

Recipe of the Week

By popular demand, this week’s recipe is Susan Carter’s legendary chilli, which Susan tells us she’ll be cooking for hubby Neil to celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary.

‘Neil and I have always had an electric connection, which over time has deepened into something very profound,’ says Susan. ‘My chilli helps us get to the bottom of our feelings for each other. Neil loves to have it hot and steaming on the table!’ Congratulations to the happy couple  – we’ll have what you’re having!

Serves 2, with plenty of seconds

250g lean, masterful mince

450g tin full of beans

1 big hunk of spicy sausage

450g juicy tomatoes (pommes d’amour)

Chilli oil, as hot as you dare

1 beefy stockman cube

Stir all the ingredients together and leave to simmer while hubby gets his cocktail shaker out and rustles up a Dirty Banana. Serve with nothing but a smile.

The Trials of… Helen Archer

In the latest chapter of our passionate family saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, will searing memories of the past destroy our heroine’s hopes of happiness?

Helen stirred the vat of creamy curds and whey with a langorous pleasure. ‘Do you know, Susan,’ she said, ‘I now feel so confident about the Borchester Blue that I can trust my gut on the salt?’

‘I know, Helen,’ smiled the older woman. ‘It’s lovely to see you happy. I might even think you’d met “The One.”’ Helen blushed. Susan was so wise, even if she was intensely irritating most of the time.

But today, not even her wittering about dinner party recipes could dent Helen’s serene mood. There would be no making small talk at Isabel’s tedious prosecco and profiteroles party for her on Friday night. She had a date with Lee…

*

‘Mummy, you know those junk bonds I issued to buy Trafalgar Square? Well now I’ve sold them on as sub-prime collateral to Fannie Mae in New York, so I can buy Pall Mall as well!’

‘Oh, well done Henry darling!’ Helen trilled as she did a little twirl in her new navy midi dress with the white flowers. ‘Mum, I’ve no idea where Henry gets his ruthless corporate finance streak from. Do you think his father worked on Wall Street?’

‘Hush, never mind that now dear,’ said Pat, fondly smoothing a stray lock of hair into her daughter’s chic, messy updo. ‘You’ve got Lee to think about. He’s a very lucky man. And you look lovely. Blue was always your colour. I never agreed with Rob when he said it was mauve.’

Suddenly, a cold fist gripped Helen’s heart. She wouldn’t think of that tonight. Or ever again… ‘Bye Mum, bye Henry,’ she said gaily, swallowing her nerves. ‘Don’t wait up...’

*

‘Oh Helen, you look so beautiful,’ said Lee. ‘Now we’ve eaten, are you sure you don’t need to go to the toilet to see my other Bruce Lee posters?’

Helen stretched like a happy cat on Lee’s squashy sofa, taking in the homely yet deceptively spacious flat with its typical masculine touches of underpants on the radiator and well-worn trainers by the kitchen door.

‘It’s all been perfect,’ she said. ‘The lamb was just pink enough, the smoked salmon blinis were delicious if perhaps a touch under-seasoned, and the tiramisu was lovely even if you didn’t make it yourself, you naughty boy!’

She wagged a finger at Lee and he laughed. He edged closer to her on the sofa and Helen allowed herself to sink into his arms, his kiss, the music he’d chosen specially for her playing softly … ‘Is this love? Is this love? Is this love?’ sang  Corinne Bailey Rae. All at once a searing memory forced its way into Helen’s brain and stabbed her like a knife… a knife…

‘Stop! Stop the music! Stop it now!’ she screamed, grabbing her bag and stumbling out of the flat, desperate to escape, leaving Lee mystified and upset. ‘Helen! Was it sitting on the blob of green glitter slime that put you off?’ he pleaded. ‘Was it because I didn’t have any wipes?’

But Helen was running down the street to the mini-cab office, her dream of happiness forgotten, Rob’s evil laugh ringing in her ears…

To be continued…  

Susan drives Jennifer round the U-bend, plus Russ's secret diary

Ambridge up in arms at Lent challenge

Parishioners of St Stephen’s have voiced opposition to this year’s Lent Appeal, which asks church-goers to ‘Pay for a Favour’ to raise funds for the Intensive Care Unit at Borchester Hospital.

‘After discussion with her family, we agreed it would be a fitting tribute to the memory of Nic Grundy, who so sadly left us a year ago,’ said the Revd Alan Franks. ‘Nic was always bustling about, helping others and letting people know about it with a cheery smile.’   

‘It’s really rather tiresome,’ said an anonymous church-goer. ‘Usually, we all just pretend to give up wine and put a few extra pound coins in the collection. The thought of actually having to help someone isn’t in the spirit of Lent at all.’

‘It’s insulting, bribing people to do things they’d do out of the goodness of their hearts,’ said Susan Carter. ‘For example, just the other day I helped Jennifer Aldridge unblock her U-bend, without any need for payment or any ulterior motive at all. Mind you, it’s better than getting people to give up chocolate. That plays havoc with the shop takings.’

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is back to sort out all your emotional and practical dilemmas.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My mother-in-law has a new man friend who often visits her at our home for what they call ‘Scrabble days’, which involve a lot of giggling behind closed doors. We’re trying to make him welcome, but it can be awkward. For example, the other day I’d just put all my knickers out on the radiators to dry, when he came in. What’s the etiquette here?  Ruth.

Dear Ruth,

Don’t worry; next time you are airing your smalls, tell him they belong to your mother-in-law. If he says: ‘Really? I haven’t seen that pair before!’ you’ll know it’s time to buy a wedding hat.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My husband and I find ourselves in reduced circumstances and this week, I had to look on while my daughter’s mother-in-law, who frankly is not ‘one of us’ insisted on unblocking my U-bend. It was full of the most sordid gunk – I suspect compacted tofu and mung beans from when my vegan daughter had supper with us, but it looked and smelt awful. I had to blame it on the previous owners. And then she insisted we go to her house for a dinner party! How can I avoid such humiliation? Jennifer. 

Dear Jennifer,

I would advise buying a serviceable plunger and asking your husband to become familiar with its use. From your longer letter, I gather he does not have a great deal to do at the moment so this should not prove too difficult. As for the dinner party, why not call and say that to save your hostess work, you’d like to bring a tofu and mung bean dish that’s a particular family favourite. I suspect you’ll find the invitation is quickly withdrawn.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My daughter has been diagnosed with depression and is seeing a therapist. Obviously I want her to get better, but I’m worried that during her sessions she will talk about her childhood and blame her problems on me, because when she was a baby the au pair left and I had a bit of a breakdown. I have a new man friend and wouldn’t want him to be put off. Am I right to be concerned? Jill.

Dear Jill,

No. Whatever makes you think that a therapist would judge you for being distant, self-centred, interfering and over-critical as a parent?  I’m sure your fears are groundless. And even if they’re not, conversations between therapist and client are strictly confidential, so you needn’t worry that your man friend will learn about any past difficulties.  

Coffee break with… Pat Archer

In our series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with the matriarch of Bridge Farm and stalwart volunteer at The Elms (are you sure? She never mentions it these days. Ed)

Q Pat, we’re lucky we’ve managed to pin you down to have a coffee. You’re usually so busy!

A Ha ha ha, yes. Tony and I are really winding down now that our family are running the farm so beautifully. Our daughter Helen lets us take her boys to the soft play centre, but that’s about it these days!

Q And they have some exciting plans, we hear?

A Oh yes. Of course, they do consult us. Just the other day, Tom asked us about his plan to buy a 10-acre field to expand our new agroforestry venture. We were so proud of our grandson Johnny. He was maturely discussing what he’d read in the Financial Times about the outlook for farmland prices. And to think, when he came to us he could barely read or write! But once Tom sorted out his dyslexia by advising him to print things out on tinted paper, there was no stopping him. Maybe that’s why he likes the Financial Times…  Anyway, as I was saying…

Q Er, yes Pat.  Tell us what you’re planning for the dairy?

A Well, we have our new herd of Montbéliarde milkers, which Helen is sure will help her make fabulous cheese. Johnny’s actually looking after them of course, but Helen works so hard, regularly telling him he’s doing quite a good job, and she’s so happy with her new friend Lee – always singing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ around the dairy. It cheers us all up, I can tell you.  

Q And the veg boxes are due for a revamp, we hear?

A Oh yes, Tom’s girlfriend Natasha is very ambitious for those. He’s so sensible; he just does exactly what she tells him. And Tony’s delighted because we’re going to put home-grown beef in our veg boxes, which is a first for Borsetshire. Natasha says it will be quite 'disruptive'. 

Q So with Brexit looming, you’ve no concerns that your plans might be swept off course?

A Good heavens, no. What could possibly go wrong? Oh look, it’s time for lunch. Would you like to stay? It’s only soup and a roll…

Borsetshire Community Cinema

Showing this week: The Sound of Music sing-along

Raid your dressing-up box, become your favourite character and join your family and friends at this very special screening of one of the world’s best-loved musicals. But hurry: tickets are going fast! Already signed up to attend are:

Jill Archer (Mother Superior)

Sabrina Thwaite (the Countess)

Clarrie Grundy (brown paper package tied up with string)

Joe Grundy (warm woollen mittens)

Mia Grundy (Liesl)

Ruairi Donovan (Rolf)

Poppy Grundy (Gretl)

Nic Grundy (Maria – her seat will be left empty).

(That’s enough Sound of Music. Something in my eye. Ed.)

NEW SERIES: The Secret Diary of Russell Jones, aged 40-something

Sunday

Arrived at Lower Loxley (sigh). An uncomfortable journey, wedged in the back seat up against boxes of bedlinen and the Italian coffee pot. Lily knows I find driving stressful. Elizabeth delighted to see Lily, but not so pleased to see Yours Truly; I don’t know why. Tried to help by making my special coffee but Lily was petulant about it. Quite hurtful. And she completely flew off the handle when I suggested asking her relatives for money. I mean, it’s not as if I have any, is it? Not with the Manchester art scene being so cliquey, and Lara being difficult about the divorce.  Lily used to be so obliging and now she’s – spiky.  The last thing an artist needs is a shrewish muse, as any Pre-Raphaelite will tell you. 

Wednesday 

A ghastly evening at The Bull being tormented by Lily’s troll of a cousin, Ben, and his spotty sidekick Ruairi. Not sure which was worse: Jolene’s caterwauling, which threatened to bring on my tinnitus, or bumping into that sour old puss from college. How dare she ask me how I have the nerve to show my face? I’ve done nothing wrong, as I told the disciplinary board just before they presented me with the choice of resigning or being sacked. This is why I was so against us coming back to Ambridge. These petits bourgeois have no clue about grand passion. Next day I showed Lily my sketch of a sorrowing heron, but she actually snarled. Quite hurtful.

Friday

Seems Elizabeth forgot she had a therapy session today. Must be more gaga than I thought. Anyway, quite a few people agreed with my anonymous online comments about Jolene’s dreadful gig at The Bull. Small victories. Then Lily got upset because Elizabeth was more grateful for a few kind words from Freddie than for all of Lily’s help. I suggested one of Russ’s special cuddles to cheer her up but got nowhere. That’s happening more often now. Quite hurtful. Adorable as Lily is, I wonder if her toxic family is having an unhealthy effect on my gut flora. Must eat more nuts and seeds, if I can find them in the back of the car. 

Aldridge has his day in court 

Mr Aldridge on the steps of
 Borchester Magistrates' Court

Disgraced Ambridge farmer Brian Aldridge said he wants to ‘put the past behind him’ after being fined £120,000  at Borchester Magistrates’ Court for polluting the river Am.

Mr Aldridge was greeted by angry protestors and had paint thrown over him as he arrived at court, flanked by his family.

He pleaded guilty to two charges of knowingly permitting a water discharge activity, relating to a leak of toxic chemicals dumped on his land in the 1970s. He has already sold his home to pay for the clean-up, which is believed to have cost more than a million pounds.

‘I’m glad it’s all over and I’m grateful for my family’s support,’ he said. ‘My priority now is to get out of this terrible cheap  jacket, which my son Adam bought from Top Bloke. It’s only got one button. I can’t imagine a worse humiliation.’

   

Letter of the Week

This week’s star letter comes in verse form, thanks to Borsetshire Laureate Bert Fry, who wanted to draw readers’ attention to problems at one of our most popular local attractions. 

Lament for Lower Loxley 

As Lower Loxley’s senior guide

My job has given me great pride.

But lately things have gone awry

And the other guides are asking why.

For example, Lady Henrietta’s bureau

Is closed for cleaning, as all should know.

But the website isn’t up to date 

And visitors got in a dreadful bate.

So the other guides said that I should go

And let Elizabeth Pargetter know.

They said that I’m a man of letters

And used to talking to my betters.

I told her, politely as I could,

That things aren’t working as they should.

I tried to tell her about the rota

But she wouldn’t change it one iota.

I did my best to make her see,

But she just blamed it all on me!

And Elizabeth seemed so distressed

I didn’t know what to do for the best.

So we guides don’t know what we’re doing

And the estate is going to rack and ruin.

So although it pains me to have to say,

I’d advise your readers to stay away.

A lawyer writes

This week, Will Chargemore of local solicitors Hassell and Payne answers your family law questions.

Q My partner and I have an agreement with a wonderful Bulgarian woman to help us have a child by being our surrogate. I am the baby’s biological father and we used a donor egg. Our surrogate has decided to spend her pregnancy in Bulgaria and return for the birth. With Brexit looming, what are the implications for our family if the baby is born in Bulgaria, or if his or her mother decides to stay in the UK after the birth?  

A Yours is a most unusual situation and I have throughly researched international law and precedents to find you the answer, which is… not a Scooby. Sorry.

Q Our widowed mother has announced she has a man friend, who at 80 is some years younger than her. He seems pleasant enough, although frankly he knows nothing about pigs or dairy farming. We would like her to be happy in her autumn years, of course, but should we be worried in case she changes her will?

A No, but if they are as close as you say, I would strongly suggest a pre-nup.

Q  My husband and I are going through a divorce and have just received our  degree nisi. Recently though, we’re getting on much better and because he has run a half-marathon and is getting his business back on track, I’m beginning to fancy him again. Legally, can we get back together?

A  Yes, of course; you can apply to have the decree nisi rescinded and your divorce petition dismissed. Any lawyer would be happy to take your money – I should say, offer their professional services for the reinstatement of marital harmony. 

  

Be my Valentine…

Love must be in the air in Ambridge, as this year we’ve received a bumper crop of Valentine’s messages from our readers. Our editor’s off to buy a wedding hat!

From the gin king:

Rosie’s our baby, you’re her lovely mum,

And I know you think I’m a lazy bum.

But now I’ve paid Emma to clean the cottage,

Will you let me play hide the sausage?

To my hunky karate teacher: 

Make a move on me and I won’t defend myself (unlike that time in court when I had to…) Anyway, you give me butterflies despite your terrible taste in shoes and your love of fart jokes. Say you’ll take me up Lakey Hill soon! 

From Wales with love:

I knew I wanted to share my spreadsheets with you when I saw your PowerPoint at the Nuffield. Now all you have to say is ‘veg box’ and my money-maker starts tingling! With my brains and your slavish devotion it will be win-win all the way, boyo!

To my dapper Valentine:

My family are worrying about my morals,

But life is fun since we met at The Laurels. 

So polish your dancing shoes and buff up your dentures 

And let’s set off on some glorious adventures.

To my favourite bird:

Before I met you I couldn’t tell a marsh warbler from a blue tit. Now you make me twitch and there’s no one I’d rather hide with. Come and nest with me in the Beechwood and we’ll make sweet music. 

Veteran vet is back on top 

Ambridge vet Alistair Lloyd says he has been ‘given a new lease of life’ by his triumph in the Felpersham half-marathon, where he and Philip Moss raised more than £700 for charity by running the race in a pantomime horse costume.

‘It’s remarkable,’ he said. ‘Before the race, I felt I was on a downward spiral: my marriage was over and my bosses thought I was past it. All I was good for was seeing to Lavinia Rafferty’s Schnauzer, and that wasn’t much fun.

‘But the experience of running the race in a hot, itchy and, to be honest, smelly furry costume was incredibly liberating. Just the memory of it was enough to help me deal confidently with Joe Grundy’s pony Gem, tackle my boss about my role in the practice, and free the trapped leg of one of Bridge Farm’s new Montebéliarde cows.’

Mr Lloyd says that when he’s out and about in Ambridge now, children often follow him singing  ‘Top Vet – he’s effectual; Top Vet; he’s intellectual… He’s the most tip top – Top Vet’  to the tune of the popular cartoon Top Cat. 

‘It’s very pleasing, but I’m just doing my job,’ he says modestly. ‘I’m wondering now if wearing furry costumes could improve other areas of my life. I believe some ladies are interested in this too. Of course, I would never have dared mention it when I was married to Shula.’

Councillor defiant on website blunder

Parish councillor Emma Grundy faces questions this week after gossip about Ambridge residents appeared on the council website, instead of the agenda for next week’s meeting.

‘I couldn’t understand it,’ said Hilary Noakes. ‘I thought they were supposed to be discussing the budget, but the page was full of an article called “I just thought you’d like to know what people are saying about you.”. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had no idea that Lexi Victorova was carrying a baby for Adam Macy and Ian Craig, and that some people are claiming she’s doing it for the money. Absolutely appalling – although I must say it gave us plenty to talk about at the Knit & Natter meeting.’

Contacted by The Ambridge Observer, Mrs Grundy apologised for the error. ‘I offered to post the council agenda myself because Jennifer Aldridge, who usually does it, was too busy making a game pie,’ she said. ‘Unfortunately, I posted some of my private files instead. Our family makes a point of never spreading gossip and this was not my intention. I have apologised to Lexi, who is a comrade of mine at the chicken factory. But I will not apologise to the Aldridge family who yet again have shown their aristocratic oligarchical contempt for the bodies of working-class women who they see as chattels and use for their selfish, entitled…' (continued on p94. Ed.)

Your week in the stars

Our resident astrologer, Janet Planet, reveals what fate has in store for readers this week:

Capricorn

Motherly Capricorns whose loved ones have been through a lot may be worrying that their child’s new boyfriend wears tracksuits and box-fresh trainers and only talks about martial arts and stuffed crust pizza. But take a moment to reflect on how fond you were of your children’s previous partners. How did that go? Discretion may be the better course here, Capricorns!

Taurus 

Taureans facing life-changing decisions, such as moving in with their partner or changing jobs, will need their friends for support this week. If possible, choose people who will listen to you and sympathise, rather than bang on about their new boyfriend and snap at you for suggesting you’re not supporting them enough. You deserve better, Taurus!

Leo

Lions with a house purchase in the offing will be roaring with excitement this week, but don’t forget that others only want to help, even if they don’t share your taste in ‘global nomad’ interior décor. Family harmony may suffer if you reject design suggestions from older generations, so try not to turn your nose up at the offer of, for example, ‘my Susan’s old mangle’ or wallpaper with a ferret motif.  

Scorpio

Scorpios are known for being secretive and vengeful, and having kept a few secrets in your past you may now feel the need to ‘have your day in court’ and take revenge on those who have found you out. But listen to those who are older and wiser, even if they may be poor and have a whiff of ferrets. Sometimes proud Scorpions need to draw their claws for the sake of loved ones, although putting others before your ego will be a first for you.  

From the Message Boards

We drop in on the Ambridge Teen Forum to see what’s got local youngsters chatting online this week:

• Hey, you guys. Valentine’s Day coming up? But Love sucks, yeah? My homie Ruairi and me are having an anti-Valentine’s party with like, torn-up love letters and broken hearts. In my dad’s old caravan. Are you up for it guys?  BennieBoy.

• Not guys, you idiot. Girls! We want girls! ‘Cos, like, we’re so over dating and all that trying to impress the ladeez stuff. We just want girls to, er, discuss feminism with. With cider.  Ruairi.

• Sounds great, mate, but I think Bella will expect something a bit more classy, just the two of us. I’m going to show her how I muck out the Montbéliardes and then we’re going for a kebab at the van on the bypass. I’ll get her a red rose to make it special. CowboyJohnny.

• OK Johnny, well maybe Bella could tell her friends?  It’ll be like, totes wicked, sick and dope… BennieBoy

• No dope, slurry-for-brains! Have you forgotten Freddie Pargetter can’t come? Ruairi.

That’s enough Message Boards. Ed.

Lost – and found?

Do you recognise any of these items?  A poncho, a set of dentures and a cactus (or possibly an aloe vera) in a pot are just some of the lost property found at Grey Gables in the past few months.

‘It’s amazing what people leave behind them after their stay,’ said deputy manager Roy Tucker. ‘We’re not sure what the hairy item is – we think it’s a wig, but no one dares get close enough to find out.’

Unless claimed, the objects will be off to charity shops and the recycling centre. 

‘We invited Borsetshire’s rural crime unit (PC Harrison Burns) to inspect all the items in case any of them were stolen property, but he reported nothing of interest, and still no sign of the missing bunting,’ said Mr Tucker. 

Brian ups the ante and Jennifer puts her foot down: tensions rise in Ambridge

Aldridge plans courtroom costume drama  

How Mr Aldridge might look in court
(artist's impression)

Brian Aldridge, beleaguered owner of Home Farm, shocked associates this week by revealing he is going to attend his upcoming court case dressed as a pantomime horse.

Mr Aldridge said he will plead not guilty to charges of knowingly polluting a water course by allowing toxic waste to be buried on Home Farm land 40 years ago.

‘The law is a horse’s ass and I am going to prove it,’ he announced to a hastily called press conference. ‘It’s about time someone took a stand on behalf of the little people like me – down to my last few hundred acres and barely a million in the bank – against the faceless bureaucrats of the Environment Agency. 

‘Having my case heard in the Crown Court, with a jury of my peers – well, not quite my peers of course, but more ordinary people – is my chance to see exactly what evidence they have against me. Not that I’ll be able to see much wearing a horse’s head. But I will be wearing the saddle of truth and the bridle of righteousness, not forgetting the spurs of justice. The truth will out!’

The hearing is scheduled for February 5.

Coffee break with… Natasha 

In our occasional series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with the dynamic young businesswoman who’s making a big impact at Bridge Farm and is known to everyone as just ‘Natasha’.

Q Hi, Natasha. Sorry we couldn’t meet for an actual cup of coffee. But you’re so busy these days!

A Yes, today you’ve caught me driving from deepest Wales, where I live because I’m very Welsh,  to Shropshire, where one of the little people who supplies my fruit juice business is based. It’s all go! But I’ve always got time for the media. The media is the message, and the message is the media, I always say.

Q And we hear you’re behind the new commercial fruit tree operation at Bridge Farm?

A Oh no, that’s all down to Tom Archer – he’s brilliant at doing exactly what I tell him. All I do is a bit of encouragement here, and a bit of coaching there, then it’s just hard work. Inspiration is perspiration, and perspiration is inspiration, if you know what I mean? And actually, as I said to Tom’s mum Pat, I’ve got a brilliant product for controlling excessive sweating. Got rid of her underarm damp patches in no time, it did. 

Q That would be from your first successful business in cosmetics? And now you’re branching out into organic beef production? That’s quite a leap.

A Yes – as I said to Tom, you’d think I’d had enough of ugly old cows in the beauty business! But his dad loves his Anguses, and to be fair, they do look tidy. Can’t go wrong with a black coat. So we’re going to breed them and sell the beef in Bridge Farm’s all-new app-based farmers’ market in a box franchise concept. As I always say, the problem lies in the solution, and the solution lies in the problem. Sorted, isn’t it? Bye!

The Trials of … Jennifer Aldridge

In the latest chapter of our passionate family saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine must make a heart-rending choice between love, honour and family…

‘Oh, Adam, darling!’ After weeks of misery, managing on just four electric rings and a microwave, and then that mortifying business of chopping through Kirsty Miller’s telephone cable (no doubt  poor quality), it seemed to Jennifer that Fate was smiling on her at last. 

‘LEXI’s having a BABY! For YOU and IAN! That’s so marvellous!’ She flung her arms round her son’s neck, heedless of the crowds, crushing her Felpersham Half-Marathon programme.

‘Be quiet, mother!’ Adam’s manly jaw set in a firm line and his steel-blue eyes flashed. ‘Everyone will hear you. You’ve got to promise to keep it completely secret, until – well, until I’ve had time to come round to the idea.’

 ‘But Adam…’ Jennifer searched his troubled, handsome face. ‘It’s what you’ve wanted for so long – and once you hear his or her little heartbeat and Lexi feels him kick… a little grandchild! Oh, I’m so looking forward to it all!’

‘Yes, well, about that, … Lexi’s going to Bulgaria for the pregnancy. It’s what she wants. Sorry.’ 

At once, the winter sun seemed to go in, and Jennifer felt crushed once more.

‘Oh well, if that’s what you’ve decided, darling,’ she said, blinking back tears.

 Jazzer McCreary thrust a rattling collection tin under her nose. ‘What’s up, hen? You look like you’ve lost a haggis and found a mouldy bannock!’

But not even his cheerful Scots banter could cheer her up now…

*

Jennifer surveyed the anxious faces squeezed round the Melamine dining table in Willow Cottage. 

‘Make this brief, Jenny,’ Brian growled. ‘Yes, what is it mum?’ said Alice. ‘I say, is this vodka?’ She slurped her water and made a disappointed face. 

Jennifer took a deep breath. ‘I have convened this emergency partners’ meeting because Brian intends to plead Not Guilty at his court case,’ she said. 

‘What? But they’ve got you banged to rights, pet,’ Ruth said in her down-to-earth way.

‘Who says so?’ Brian thundered. ‘Things were different then. It’s their word against mine and I want my day in court. And you’ll all support me. It’s about family loyalty.’

‘Cheers dad! Way to go! That calls for a drink!” Alice waved her water glass hopefully. Everyone ignored her.

Jennifer stood up, feeling sick and shaky. ‘I have told your father that if he insists on this ruinous path, our marriage is over,’ she said.

 ‘Good for you, Jennifer,’ said Ruth. ‘If that doesn’t make the old goat see sense, nothing will. Right, I’m off. There’s a haggis with my name on it at The Bull.’

‘I’m coming with you. Mine’s a large one!’ said Alice, following her out.

‘And I can’t listen to any more of this. You’ve finally lost it this time, Brian.’ Adam stormed out of the house, slamming the door so the thin walls shook. 

Jennifer looked at her husband, who was pouring himself a stiff whisky. A heavy silence hung between them.

Jennifer sank back into her chair. She closed her eyes, then jumped at a loud banging on the wall. Kirsty, no doubt protesting at the slammed door. She sighed. Would this nightmare never end? 

To be continued…. 

Humiliation for Jennifer, hubris for Brian and Susan Carter's week

Aldridge ‘a shadow of former self’

Friends of Brian Aldridge, former boss of Borchester Land, say they are worried about his wellbeing since his dramatic fall from grace following the toxic chemical spill at Home Farm.

‘He used to stride about Ambridge like a Colossus in a cravat, chairing board metings and signing off on massive investment plans,’ said one. ‘Now, he’s pottering around the garden, getting into spats with the neighbours or waiting in for the telephone engineer. I even heard he made Jenny a cup of tea, although I must say I didn’t believe it.’

‘It’s a shame,’ said another. ‘The change has been so noticeable that the chaps at the golf club are calling him Brino – Brian in Name Only.’

Recipe of the Week

Apologies to readers who were expecting Alice Carter’s recipe for Robotically Picked Strawberry Soufflé. Instead, here are her tips for creating a sensational Strawberry Surprise:

1.    Arrange to run a trial of your company’s new robotic strawberry picker on your brother’s farm, without asking your brother.

2.    Have PR materials printed and broadcast news of the trial on Radio Borsetshire.

3.    Discover that your brother isn’t growing strawberries this year, so the trial can’t take place.

4.    Have a tantrum, accuse everyone of hating you, cry hysterically and hit the booze. Surprise!! 

My Week, by Susan Carter

The manager of Ambridge’s popular community shop and Post Office describes a busy week at work and at home. 

Monday

Jennifer Aldridge – we’re family, you know – came round to borrow a stepladder from my Neil. Seems the shrubbery round Willow Cottage needs pruning. I must say, I never thought I’d see the day when she and Brian are living in a rented semi, while Neil and I have our own ranch-style, detached property. I feel sorry for them, of course I do. I said to Jennifer: ‘Be careful on the steps, we don’t want to be saying “How are the mighty fallen!”, do we now? But she didn’t seem to get my little joke.

Tuesday

People’s shopping habits can be very revealing – but of course you have to be discreet. For example, one customer – a Bulgarian lady, but she can’t help that – has suddenly started buying decaff coffee. And the way she turned her nose up at my mug of Kenco? She’s in the family way, I said to my Emma, and she’s just split up with her young man, too. Such a shame. That was at The Bull, where we had a slap-up meal to celebrate her and Ed getting a mortgage on their first home. It was my treat, and I let them have starters and everything. We had a lovely time until my Neil got nabbed in the Ploughman’s by Bert Fry, and we decided to call it a night.

Wednesday

Shula Hebden-Lloyd came in for her copy of Horse & Hound and to send a parcel off to her son Dan, who’s in the Army. She was telling me about a new life-drawing class she’s started, which she’s enjoying more than karate. She left a sketch pad behind and I ran after her with it, but of course I couldn’t help looking. Talk about a shock. I’ve never seen Nathan Booth in that state before and I never want to again. You can’t tell me that’s a normal hobby.   

Thursday

My Chris came in for his lottery tickets and packet of chocolate Hob Nobs as usual. He was proud as punch of Alice for doing an interview on Radio Borsetshire. He bought a bottle of fizz for her to celebrate, and then he bought another one, and a half-bottle of rum. ‘Ooh Chris, are you having a party?’ I said. ‘No mum; I just hope this gets Alice through dinner,’ he said. He does like a little joke. He gets that from me!

Friday

Lynda Snell came in this morning with some news: Brian Aldridge’s court case is set for February 5. Emma, Lynda and me were having a good chat about it when Jennifer came in to bring the ladder back. It was a bit awkward, but I don’t think she heard Emma say it was about time the Aldridges got their comeuppance. I do feel sorry for them losing their home of 40 years, of course I do. After all, they’re family – did I mention that?    

New series: Books of the Week

Thanks to Borsetshire’s Mobile Community Library – which visits Ambridge on the fourth Thursday every month, weather permitting – for telling us about the new releases on their shelves:

Mistress of Lower Loxley

A page-turning Gothic tragedy about a mother who is trapped in her stately home and slowly losing her grip on reality as she struggles to come to terms with her jailbird son, daughter traduced by an older roué, and the pressures of running a hospitality business without an alcohol licence. Will her concerned siblings come to her rescue before the bailiffs arrive? Perfect for fans of Les Mis  and Poldark. 

I, Brian Aldridge

A powerful contemporary fable of a man who is threatened with losing his home, his liberty and – most important of all –  his reputation, by the Kafka-esque machinations of the Environment Agency’s enforcement procedures. Can one man prevail against public opinion and the faceless agencies of the State in a dramatic courtroom setting? If you loved Twelve Angry Men, you’ll love this!

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FOR SALE

Polytunnels, fairly good condition, some wear and tear through heavy use over the years. 

Will swap for baby clothes and nursery equipment, and/or books on growing quinoa and other high-yielding, high-protein but low-input crops native to South America.

Contact: Adam.Macy@homefarm.co.uk