Veteran vet is back on top 

Ambridge vet Alistair Lloyd says he has been ‘given a new lease of life’ by his triumph in the Felpersham half-marathon, where he and Philip Moss raised more than £700 for charity by running the race in a pantomime horse costume.

‘It’s remarkable,’ he said. ‘Before the race, I felt I was on a downward spiral: my marriage was over and my bosses thought I was past it. All I was good for was seeing to Lavinia Rafferty’s Schnauzer, and that wasn’t much fun.

‘But the experience of running the race in a hot, itchy and, to be honest, smelly furry costume was incredibly liberating. Just the memory of it was enough to help me deal confidently with Joe Grundy’s pony Gem, tackle my boss about my role in the practice, and free the trapped leg of one of Bridge Farm’s new Montebéliarde cows.’

Mr Lloyd says that when he’s out and about in Ambridge now, children often follow him singing  ‘Top Vet – he’s effectual; Top Vet; he’s intellectual… He’s the most tip top – Top Vet’  to the tune of the popular cartoon Top Cat. 

‘It’s very pleasing, but I’m just doing my job,’ he says modestly. ‘I’m wondering now if wearing furry costumes could improve other areas of my life. I believe some ladies are interested in this too. Of course, I would never have dared mention it when I was married to Shula.’

Councillor defiant on website blunder

Parish councillor Emma Grundy faces questions this week after gossip about Ambridge residents appeared on the council website, instead of the agenda for next week’s meeting.

‘I couldn’t understand it,’ said Hilary Noakes. ‘I thought they were supposed to be discussing the budget, but the page was full of an article called “I just thought you’d like to know what people are saying about you.”. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had no idea that Lexi Victorova was carrying a baby for Adam Macy and Ian Craig, and that some people are claiming she’s doing it for the money. Absolutely appalling – although I must say it gave us plenty to talk about at the Knit & Natter meeting.’

Contacted by The Ambridge Observer, Mrs Grundy apologised for the error. ‘I offered to post the council agenda myself because Jennifer Aldridge, who usually does it, was too busy making a game pie,’ she said. ‘Unfortunately, I posted some of my private files instead. Our family makes a point of never spreading gossip and this was not my intention. I have apologised to Lexi, who is a comrade of mine at the chicken factory. But I will not apologise to the Aldridge family who yet again have shown their aristocratic oligarchical contempt for the bodies of working-class women who they see as chattels and use for their selfish, entitled…' (continued on p94. Ed.)

Your week in the stars

Our resident astrologer, Janet Planet, reveals what fate has in store for readers this week:

Capricorn

Motherly Capricorns whose loved ones have been through a lot may be worrying that their child’s new boyfriend wears tracksuits and box-fresh trainers and only talks about martial arts and stuffed crust pizza. But take a moment to reflect on how fond you were of your children’s previous partners. How did that go? Discretion may be the better course here, Capricorns!

Taurus 

Taureans facing life-changing decisions, such as moving in with their partner or changing jobs, will need their friends for support this week. If possible, choose people who will listen to you and sympathise, rather than bang on about their new boyfriend and snap at you for suggesting you’re not supporting them enough. You deserve better, Taurus!

Leo

Lions with a house purchase in the offing will be roaring with excitement this week, but don’t forget that others only want to help, even if they don’t share your taste in ‘global nomad’ interior décor. Family harmony may suffer if you reject design suggestions from older generations, so try not to turn your nose up at the offer of, for example, ‘my Susan’s old mangle’ or wallpaper with a ferret motif.  

Scorpio

Scorpios are known for being secretive and vengeful, and having kept a few secrets in your past you may now feel the need to ‘have your day in court’ and take revenge on those who have found you out. But listen to those who are older and wiser, even if they may be poor and have a whiff of ferrets. Sometimes proud Scorpions need to draw their claws for the sake of loved ones, although putting others before your ego will be a first for you.  

From the Message Boards

We drop in on the Ambridge Teen Forum to see what’s got local youngsters chatting online this week:

• Hey, you guys. Valentine’s Day coming up? But Love sucks, yeah? My homie Ruairi and me are having an anti-Valentine’s party with like, torn-up love letters and broken hearts. In my dad’s old caravan. Are you up for it guys?  BennieBoy.

• Not guys, you idiot. Girls! We want girls! ‘Cos, like, we’re so over dating and all that trying to impress the ladeez stuff. We just want girls to, er, discuss feminism with. With cider.  Ruairi.

• Sounds great, mate, but I think Bella will expect something a bit more classy, just the two of us. I’m going to show her how I muck out the Montbéliardes and then we’re going for a kebab at the van on the bypass. I’ll get her a red rose to make it special. CowboyJohnny.

• OK Johnny, well maybe Bella could tell her friends?  It’ll be like, totes wicked, sick and dope… BennieBoy

• No dope, slurry-for-brains! Have you forgotten Freddie Pargetter can’t come? Ruairi.

That’s enough Message Boards. Ed.

Lost – and found?

Do you recognise any of these items?  A poncho, a set of dentures and a cactus (or possibly an aloe vera) in a pot are just some of the lost property found at Grey Gables in the past few months.

‘It’s amazing what people leave behind them after their stay,’ said deputy manager Roy Tucker. ‘We’re not sure what the hairy item is – we think it’s a wig, but no one dares get close enough to find out.’

Unless claimed, the objects will be off to charity shops and the recycling centre. 

‘We invited Borsetshire’s rural crime unit (PC Harrison Burns) to inspect all the items in case any of them were stolen property, but he reported nothing of interest, and still no sign of the missing bunting,’ said Mr Tucker.