Trial week in Ambridge: revelations and recriminations come out in court

Titchener trial hangs on a knife edge (subs: dodgy headline? Ed)

Ambridge was reeling this week from revelations in Borchester Crown Court, where Helen Titchener stands trial for the attempted murder and malicious wounding of her husband Robert at their home in April this year.

In a series of emotional and tense exchanges, the jury heard Mrs Titchener accuse her husband of multiple counts of rape, an allegation repeated by his first wife Jessica Myers, who made a late and dramatic appearance as a witness for the defence.

In rebuttal, a tearful Mr Titchener strongly denied the allegations, claiming he was a victim of ‘needy, unstable women’, who for some reason seemed to find him attractive.

The court also heard the account of five-year-old Henry Archer, recorded on video, which appeared to cast doubt on Mrs Titchener’s claim that on the night of the attack she acted to protect her son from her husband.

In closing speeches, the defendant’s barrister Anna Tregorran said Mr Titchener had subjected his wife to two years of ‘bullying, mind games and sexual violence’, which finally drove her to try to escape with Henry, even though she was heavily pregnant.

Mr Titchener’s barrister, Michael Byfield, argued that Mr Titchener had done his best to care for his ‘sick, erratic’ wife and that by stabbing her husband repeatedly, failing to call an ambulance and attempting to clear up after the attack, Mrs Titchener had shown intent to kill him. 

Eleven jurors have now retired to consider their verdict. One juror had earlier been dismissed for tweeting from the courtroom (see ‘Letter to The Editor’.)

Public outbursts prompt judge’s warnings

The judge in charge of the Titchener case threatened to clear the public gallery on a number of occasions this week after a series of ‘unprecedented’ interruptions to proceedings.

‘In all my years on the bench I have never heard anything like it,’ he said. ‘The constant stage-whispering from members of Mrs Titchener’s family made it almost impossible to hear some of the evidence and nearly jeopardised her defence.

‘Of course, one is used to emotional outbursts in the witness box, such as those we heard from Mrs Titchener’s friend Miss Miller – although that young lady risked contempt of court in her unprompted attack on Mr Titchener.

‘But this is a court of law, not the lounge bar of the Dog and Duck. Members of the jury can hear Tony, Pat and Tom Archer wittering on any day of the week. I nearly wore out my gavel trying to get them to pipe down.’

Councillor ‘too busy’ to attend court

Parish Council chairman Neil Carter, who was expected to appear as a character witness at the trial, denied he’d been put under pressure not to attend.

‘I was very busy that day; a couple of weaners were scouring and I had terrible trouble with the pignut delivery,’ he said. ‘The fact that my wife Susan threatened to take her special chilli off the menu for good if I spoke up for Helen had nothing to do with it.’

Mrs Carter said she was ‘relieved’ that her husband had decided not to take Mrs Titchener’s side in the case.

‘We’re fond of Helen of course, but Mr Titchener was a hero of the flood, and he’s always so polite in the Post Office,’ she said. ‘And look what can happen when you speak out. Poor Ian Craig. That lawyer got him to admit he didn’t like Rob, because Rob had told him about his husband Adam’s affairs with Charlie Thomas the estate manager and a fruit picker. Who’d have thought it? The farm boss and a fruit picker. Even I didn’t know about that one. And now it’s all going to be in the papers… without me having to tell anyone!’

Buttygate threatens to derail the case

Court proceedings were disrupted on Thursday when police were called in to investigate a suspicious package. ‘The court was temporarily evacuated,’ said Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns). ‘Witnesses said the abandoned parcel was emitting fumes and a noxious smell, and these days you can’t be too careful.

‘Fortunately, sniffer dogs revealed the contents to be a package of egg-and-cress, meat paste and tuna sandwiches, which – well let’s just say they were well past their sell-by date.’

The sandwiches were traced to Mrs Shula Hebden Lloyd of The Stables. ‘I’d brought them for Helen’s family, but they didn’t seem to want them – probably too stressed to eat,’ she said. ‘Then when Rob’s father, who was sitting next to me, started shouting horrible things about Jess and Helen I jumped up in horror and ran out, leaving my basket behind.’

Mrs Hebden Lloyd apologised to the court and was served an ASBO (All-Sandwich Banning Order).  ‘At least one good thing will come out of this trial,’ said a witness.

Does Lucky the turkey have the answer?

The jury may still be out, but one local family reckon they know the result already – thanks to Lucky the psychic turkey.

‘People have been flocking to Grundys Field to see Lucky all week,’ said Eddie Grundy of Grange Farm. ‘All we ask them to do is pay £5 to buy two small bags of seed – one plain, and one dyed red with my Clarrie’s food colouring. They put them in Lucky’s pen and whichever one he goes for, that’s the verdict.’

So far, Lucky has consistently gone for the red seed, predicting a ‘red card’ or guilty verdict for Helen. ‘Some people say it’s in bad taste, but a man’s got to make a living, especially after ElfWorld had to close,’ said Mr Grundy. ‘And if poor Helen is convicted, at least Lucky’s fattening up nicely for Christmas.’

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

I am writing to you because, although all journalists are crooks and liars (thanks, Ed) at least you have not stooped to the gutter like that rag The Borchester Echo and branded my son Robert a rapist.

My point is: why, oh why, oh why should we taxpayers fund this tin-pot legal system that would shame even the most benighted banana republic? Events at Borchester Crown Court this week have proved Her Majesty’s judiciary to be a pusillanimous shadow of traditional English justice, admired the world over for burning witches and jailing homosexuals.

I refer of course to Judge Loomis’s decision to dismiss the brave juror who expressed his view, as an Englishman has a right to do, on the appalling scenario that was unfolding in front of his very eyes in court. This stout yeoman took to so-called ‘social media’ – I believe it is called ‘Twatter’ – to sum up the case with admirable brevity. ‘Sick of man-hating lezzers like Helen Titchener; I’ll make sure she goes down.’

The fact that a clear-eyed, right-thinking individual like this has been denied his right to decide the fate of that deranged harpy who my son Robert was careless enough to get with child, is a travesty.

Yours faithfully

Bruce Titchener

(Note to subs: please forward to the Telegraph. More their kind of thing. Ed).  

 Ambridge prepares for the trial of the century 

Simmering tensions in the village boiled over onto the cricket pitch on Sunday, as key players in the Helen Titchener trial confronted each other following Ambridge’s defeat by an in-form Wimberton team.

‘After the match, Rob Titchener was shouting at the lads, trying to tell them where they went wrong, but everyone just walked away,’ said one witness. ‘Then he seemed to have some sort of row with Ian Craig. They squared up to each other but Rob backed down in the end. Ian shouted after him: ‘See you in court then. I can guess what you’ve been doing to Helen – but don’t worry, I won’t let her down.’

Johnny Phillips, Helen Titchener’s nephew, said the team had ‘voted with its feet’ in turning against Mr Titchener. ‘He was winding up Adam Macy before his innings, really putting him off,’ he said. ‘We’re sick of him hanging round the team like a bad smell – worse than those sandwiches Shula brought that no one wanted.’

Mrs Shula Hebden-Lloyd, who said she was on ‘unofficial tea duty’ at the match, was shocked by the row. ‘The team always goes to the pub after a match, and I’d gone ahead, taking some of my sandwiches, because they hadn’t been eaten,’ she said. ‘It was very disappointing when no one turned up, and other customers said they were too full of Fallon's piri piri to help me out. But there are still plenty left – egg-and-cress, meat paste and tuna. Would you like one?’

Defendant's mum: 'Will the new cardi I sent Helen sway the jury?'

With the trial of Helen Titchener for the attempted murder of her husband Rob only days away, we ask those close to the case how they are preparing for it:

• Pat Archer, Bridge Farm: ‘Naturally, we are worried sick for Helen. We’ve read Rob Titchener’s statement and it’s a pack of malicious, evil lies. And we’re still not sure

that Helen has told her barrister everything Rob did, so she can make the strongest case for the defence. I’ve sent her a nice new cardi but I’m really not sure it will sway the jury.’

• Shula Hebden-Lloyd, The Stables: ‘I don’t suppose Pat and Tony will feel like cooking after long days in court, so I think I’ll make some sandwiches to keep them going. I’ve still got some egg and cress, meat paste and tuna left from the cricket teas. It’s the least I can do.’  

• Carol Tregorran, Glebe Cottage: ‘My role will be to support my daughter Anna, who’s Helen’s barrister, especially after the trial, when she’ll be exhausted, poor dear. I’ve booked us a holiday – a trip to the Austrian Alps, complete with a Sound of Music tour. It’s always been a family favourite and while neither of us is exactly 16, going on 17, or keen on lonely goatherds, I’m sure we will climb every mountain, and I’ve asked Jill Archer to run us up a couple of wimples. I can’t wait!’

• Tom Archer, Bridge Farm: ‘I can best help Helen by keeping her legacy going here at the farm, so I’m applying for a Nuffield scholarship to research her idea of organic baby food. It’s tough – I’ve had to go on a farm walk with Ruth Archer and her special ‘burnt pizza’ picnic, and if I get the funds I’ll have to travel all over Europe on expenses. But it’s not about me. It’s what Helen would want.’

• Justin Elliott, Damara Capital: ‘I’m looking forward to a swift conclusion to the trial so Rob Titchener can start his new role as my estates manager. I pride myself on being a good judge of character and I have no truck with those who say he’s a vicious, manipulative, homophobic bully. He’s always been perfectly charming to me.’     

Madame Butty-fly! Sarnie scare stops opera  

Monday night’s performance of Madame Butterfly at Lower Loxley was disrupted when police were called in to investigate a suspicious package. ‘An area of the grounds near the ladies’ lavatories was cordoned off,’ said Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns). ‘Witnesses said the abandoned parcel was emitting fumes and a noxious smell, and these days you can’t be too careful.

‘Fortunately, sniffer dogs revealed the contents to be a package of egg-and-cress, meat paste and tuna sandwiches, which – well let’s just say they were well past their sell-by date. They were hygienically disposed of as even the dogs wouldn’t eat them, and the performance was allowed to continue.’

        

Ask Aunty Satya

She’s back! With her warm-hearted wisdom and forensic legal skills, Usha Franks’s favourite aunty has the answers to all your dilemmas.

Dear Aunty Satya,

I am very attracted to a kind, thoughtful medical man. At the opera last week we sat out under the stars, and with the wine and the wonderful music I was nearly carried away. But I am wary because of my disastrous affair with a married man, which began when we were both drunk in a tent at a music festival and ended with a lot of people getting hurt. How can I be sure this relationship will work? Lizzie.

Dear Lizzie,

It seems to me that alcohol, music and the great outdoors are a toxic combination for your love life. You would be wise to do your courting inside, in a music-free, teetotal environment devoid of all excitement – Borchester Public Library perhaps, or a Women’s Institute meeting. You will soon know whether your new beau is Mister – or should I say Doctor – Right!

Dear Aunty Satya,

My ex Maxine says she wants a divorce, and when I bumped into her the other evening (after waiting outside her house for only a couple of hours – amazing coincidence!) she said we should have a clean break. Her actual words were: ‘I’m going to leave now and you are not to come after me or try to contact me again.’ But I can’t believe she would cut me off, especially as I have a huge court case coming up. What do you think she really meant? Anna. 

   

Dear Anna,

My niece Usha, who is a lawyer like you, always says: ‘Aunty, in court, never ask a question to which you don’t know the answer’. My dear, you know only too well what Maxine meant. My advice is to throw yourself into your work and let her go. And a little word to the wise: a conviction for stalking is unlikely to enhance your professional reputation, as my distant cousin the High Court judge found out the hard way. 

Dear Aunty Satya,

My twin brother Freddie is a bit of a duffer and failed all his GCSEs. Our mum wants him to go to Borchester College for re-sits. Should I leave the Cathedral School to go with him? I’m worried that without me to look after him he’ll get into serious trouble. Lily.

Dear Lily,

Your sisterly concern does you credit, but perhaps you are being too protective of Freddie? A wealthy but dim boy will always be popular in places like Borchester College and I’m sure he will have a high old time there. If I were you dear, I would go into the Sixth Form, join the Madrigal Group, learn to play bridge and let him get on with it.     

     

Party pranks, Grundys at war and horror for Helen: an X-rated week in Ambridge

Senior’s sermon shocks churchgoers
 

The congregation of St Stephen’s have expressed astonishment at an impromptu sermon given by Joe Grundy during Morning Service last Sunday.

Claiming ‘the spirits have called me to speak from the heart', Mr Grundy, 94, took as his text the ‘Grundy Apocrypha’, which he said gave his family rights that could not be overturned.

‘Yea, so it is writ, even unto the fourth and fifth generations, that Grundys shall be given dominion over Grange Farm, and shall be suffered to husband their ferrets wheresoever they may choose, even unto the master bedchamber,’ he read.

‘And it is further writ that Grundys shall be entitled to their tithes and compensation from the land of Ambridge, whosoever may own it, even if it be Aldridges. And such tithes may include such portion as a brace of pheasants in due season. And each generation, even unto the little children, shall be taught by their grandfathers to befuddle such pheasants with Bulgarian whisky, for the easier apportionment of said tithe, even though their father be a gamekeeper and be moved to mortal anger when he shall find it out.’

Mr Grundy concluded with a dire warning. ‘If Grundys be not allowed to dwell in Grange Farm, the house of their forefathers, their souls shall haunt the earth, and those who show them no mercy shall be condemned to perpetual torment, especially if their name be Oliver and Caroline Sterling. Amen.’

Worshippers said the outburst was ‘completely inappropriate’ and were surprised that the vicar did not intervene.

‘Apocrypha, my eye,’ said one. ‘Joe said it was an ancient document found in a family Bible, but I could clearly see it was scribbled on the back page of Ferrets Magazine.’

The Revd Alan Franks admitted that the sermon was ‘a little more controversial’ than expected. ‘But to be honest, I get tired trying to think of nice things to say about farmers every week, so Joe’s offer to speak was a relief,’ he said. ‘I do feel sorry for Clarrie Grundy though. She’s so mortified she’s resigned from the flower rota.’

Lawyer ‘concerned’ by Titchener jail incident

Helen Titchener’s barrister says she is worried by reports this week of an attempted suicide at the mother-and-baby custody unit where her client is being held on remand.

‘Mrs Titchener has told her family she was very shaken by the incident, as she was good friends with Kaz, the young woman who was driven to this desperate action,’ said Anna Tregorran. ‘It only shows how vital it is that my client is released as soon as possible. There’s only so much anyone can take, being locked up with Helen. I should know; she still won’t talk to me. Our meetings are a nightmare. Unfortunately, I’ve been a bit busy as my ex has asked for a divorce and I’ve taken to drink. But perhaps this tragic event will be a wake-up call for both of us. Time is running out. And so is my secret stash of Scotch.’  

Police crack down on youthful antics

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) warned this week that he will show ‘zero tolerance’ to alcohol-fuelled antics over August Bank Holiday.

‘We know that emotions are running high, with exam results coming out,’ he said at a press briefing. ‘But this is no excuse for criminal behaviour.’

PC Burns said a 16-year-old from Lower Loxley had been returned to his home ‘in a drunken stupor’ after receiving a poor set of GCSEs. ‘It seems this young man’s twin sister had done very well, which was difficult for him, said PC Burns. ‘But it is never acceptable to throw up into a policeman’s hat. It took Fallon hours to get the smell out.’

And a party for fruit-pickers at Home Farm was broken up after thousands of pounds’ worth of damage was caused to a new no-till drilling machine in a ‘silly prank’.

‘It was lucky no-one was hurt in this incident, where Mrs Carter drove the tractor at speed round the yard, egged on by Josh and Pip Archer,’ said PC Burns. ‘They should all know better, although Miss Archer said it only proved her point that Alice wasn’t a proper farmer.’

PC Burns also had harsh words for young lovers who might be tempted by the hot weather to frolic al fresco. ‘An Ambridge resident out walking by the Am opposite Bert Fry’s bungalow was alerted by panting noises coming from his garden,’ he said. ‘After cutting down some foliage and using high-powered binoculars, she was able to confirm it was a couple in flagrante. Appalled, she shouted at them to stop but the young man said: “Sorry love, I’d say join the queue, but me and Pip are exclusive now!”

‘It is never a good idea to get carried away outdoors,’ said PC Burns. ‘Especially if your back goes into spasm just as a group of mushroom foragers turns up. Not that I would know of course. Mind how you go now.’

Competition hots up for produce prizes

With the annual Flower & Produce Show nearly upon us, how are Ambridge’s cooks, gardeners and crafters planning to catch the eye of the judges?

• Henry Titchener (aged 5): ‘My Daddy made me a golden crown for ‘Best Hat Made By A Child’. He said if I made it I wouldn’t win and I have to learn that you do whatever it takes to win. Like at cricket. He said I am his little prince. But I’d rather be a donkey like on the beach at Tenby with Granny Pat.’

• Christine Barford: ‘This year I’m sticking to what I know: my famous scones. Last year’s ginger biscuits weren’t everyone’s favourite. But they came in very handy as hardcore in Lynda Snell’s new garden!’

• Keira Grundy (aged 5): ‘My hat is like a chimney pot and it’s got real flowers in it. My brother George says it won’t win because I’m a girl. But at least I don’t steal peasants like him and Granddad. Oops, I’m not supposed to tell.’

• Carol Tregorran: ‘Bert Fry will be masterminding my entry as usual. His green beans are a thing of wonder this year. But I think it would be nice to have a new prize in honour of his dear late wife Freda. What, though? She excelled in so many categories: cakes, pies, rhubarb gin… do you have any bright ideas?’

(Over to you, readers! Please send your suggestions for the Freda Fry Award to the Ambridge Observer office. Ed).

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

I am writing to cancel the ‘Situation vacant’ advertisement I booked for next week’s issue. I have already found a suitable nanny to look after my son Henry and baby Gideon, when the poor little mite is liberated from the so-called ‘care’ of his so-called ‘mother’.

Charlotte (the successful candidate) is tender-hearted, sensitive, extremely gullible and asks no awkward questions. I have a feeling she will be the perfect fit for our family.

Yours faithfully,

Rob Titchener, Blossom Hill Cottage