Raise a glass to the new Mrs Archer!

Lower Loxley future hangs in balance

Lower Loxley, one of Borsetshire’s premier attractions, is in danger of losing its alcohol licence permanently, the Ambridge Observer can reveal.

A source close to the Pargetter family has received legal advice that the authorities will take a dim view of restoring a licence if Freddie Pargetter, who was convicted of drug dealing on the premises, returns to live there when he is released from detention shortly.

‘People are pleading with her, but Elizabeth won’t listen,’ said the source. ‘She says Lower Loxley is Freddie’s home, and that’s where he will be staying – licence or no licence.’  

In a statement, Mrs Pargetter insisted she had no concerns about the estate’s future. ‘There are many reasons why guests visit Lower Loxley that don’t require alcohol. The Treetop Walk, the Rare Breeds, the Orangery, the art gallery, the birds of prey – some people say you need a few gins to get through them all, but I’ve always enjoyed them sober. And Russ, my daughter’s partner, has a very nice Italian coffee maker if conference visitors need refreshments.’

WEDDING DAY ANNOUNCEMENT

Mr and Mrs Tom Archer would like to thank everyone for the kind wishes and generous gifts they received on the occasion of their wedding (apart from the fondue forks from Helen, Natasha didn’t like those much.)

Special thanks are due to Tom’s mother Pat, for not voicing her doubts loudly enough to spoil the day, and to Johnny Phillips, who was Tom’s first choice for best man once he had asked everyone else, for not making a speech. Cheers Johnny – we all dodged a bullet there!

Many thanks also to Kenton and Jolene at The Bull for hosting the reception, which featured Tom Archer’s sausage on a stick (are you sure? Ed), fruit punch made with the bride’s own juices (this is ridiculous. Ed) and a cake topped with figures of the bride and groom, with her foot jokingly on his throat.

The guests drank a toast to friends who were unavoidably absent, including Roy Tucker (overseeing a laundry delivery at Grey Gables), Ed Grundy (being groomed by Tim while putting up some fencing in Penny Hassett), Kirsty Miller (just too awkward) and the groom’s sister Helen (hiding from Lee in the dairy with her cheese-maker’s apron over her head). 

After a one-night honeymoon at a sustainable packaging conference in Rhyl, the happy couple will be making their home in Ambridge, sharing with Tom’s housemates Johnny and Hannah. Shout–out to Hannah for being a trouper about it! And young Johnny spends most of his time in the cowshed with the Montbéliardes, who he says are better company. Such a joker, Johnster!

We are women, hear us roar!

It was International Women’s Day on Friday, so we asked some of Ambridge’s most high-profile ladies (women. Ed) how they marked this special event for the fairer sex (I give up. You’re fired. Ed.)

Mrs Natasha Archer (née Thomas): ‘International Women’s Day is my birthday, so I’ve always thought they chose it just for me! And it’s so appropriate as I’m such an international woman – I travelled all the way from Wales to find my true love in Borsetshire. I celebrated this year by getting married and changing my name to my husband’s! So now I’m Natasha Archer. Of course, we’re a modern couple, so my husband and I discussed him changing his name to mine, but then he’d be Thomas Thomas, which we thought was a bit daft, see? And on the day, my mam and dad got stuck on the bypass so I asked my new father-in-law Tony to walk me the 30 feet from the register office door to the front of the room, because I was too nervous to do it on my own. It was a wonderful wedding and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate International Women’s Day.’

Emma Grundy: ‘It’s so important to raise the profile of women in public life, which is why I joined the Parish Council. I celebrated by speaking truth to power: I tackled Justin Elliott about the footpath he’s closed off, even though it’s a popular dog-walking route. I was really getting my point across when he asked if I’d like to go and see the foundations of the new house Ed and I are buying, and once we got chatting about the lovely kitchen and how I’d be able to keep an eye on the kids while doing the washing up, I forgot all about the footpath! Silly me. And Ed didn’t help, asking Justin all kinds of awkward questions. He doesn’t realise we should be grateful!

Jennifer Aldridge: ‘To me, International Women’s Day is about celebrating the role of women as the bedrock of the family, and my husband Brian feels the same: so much so he’s had more than one family! So this year I celebrated by asking my daughter Alice, who’s a qualified engineer with a high-powered job, when she and her husband are going to have a baby! I don’t know why she took it so badly. After all, she’s getting on a bit now and my son and his husband are managing it even though they aren’t, you know, a conventional couple! My children have all brought me so much joy and that’s all I want for Alice.’

Hannah Riley: ‘I got off my face and had a meaningless one-night stand with some random from Groovvzz in Borchester. Pretending I’ve got no feelings when a bloke I’m in love with gets married to someone else is my way of sticking it to the patriarchy. Yeah.’

Jill Archer: ‘I celebrated by having an extra-vigorous Scrabble session with my new beau, Leonard. I wore him out so much he fell asleep on the sofa, poor dear. My son David doesn’t approve but d’you know, I’ve never felt more liberated in my life!’

Wedding bells, a date for Helen and Ed gets lucky

Vicar praises kindness and calls out trolls

The Revd Alan Franks says he is ‘delighted’ with the response to this year’s ‘Pay for a Favour’ Lent appeal.

‘I’ve heard of some remarkable acts of generosity,’ he said. ‘For instance, a chap called Tim, who seems new to Ambridge, has given plenty of work to Ed Grundy, paid him over the odds, bought him lunch, got Eddie Grundy a replacement van and even paid Emma Grundy a compliment – all without wanting anything in return. I can only think the appeal is inspiring people to be kind and nice to each other. And not a moment too soon, I must say.’

The Revd Franks also used Sunday’s sermon to warn against the rising tide of online abuse that he said can threaten individual wellbeing and social cohesion.

‘I wouldn’t go quite as far as Joe Grundy, who says social media is the devil’s work,’ he said. ‘But I can tell you that responding to a video of Jolene Archer’s singing with the comment: “Get back to the care home, Granny,” is neither kind nor helpful. From now on, no phones will be allowed in Junior Church and I would urge parents to monitor all the family’s screen time.’ 

Coffee break with… Natasha-soon-to-be-Archer

This week we grabbed a few minutes on the phone with Ambridge’s newest bride-to-be, who just happens to be a high-flying entrepreneur!

Q Natasha, it doesn’t seem five minutes since we interviewed you about planting trees with Tom Archer. And now you’re getting married! You’re a fast mover! 

A Sorry, what was that? I’m stuck on the Catthorpe Interchange and the signal’s terrible – anyway, I don’t really care what you asked me so I’ll tell you about the wedding. It’s on my birthday on Friday – we chose that date so our wedding will always really be about me, see? It was like the stars aligned, just like Harry and Meghan, but more Welsh.

Q  How are you managing to organise the wedding at such short notice, and run your business?

A  We’re keeping the wedding simple, so while I was on the M6 the other day I dictated a quick four-page email telling guests about the dress code, timetable, expected behaviour standards and gifts. We don’t want people to go to the trouble of buying presents, so cheques (or cash) will be fine. Anyway, by the time I’d driven from Corley to Lancaster it was all done! 

Q And what about the catering? With you and Tom both in the food business, can we expect something spectacular?

A To be honest, I’m not a massive foodie; it’s more about the presentation for me. So we’re having a buffet at The Bull and my only brief to Jolene was: No cinnamon. And no singing. I dare say we might have Tom’s sausages on sticks, to make it festive. And we’re having a cake made of Pop Tarts, because they’re my favourite. Makes a croque-en-bouche look so 2018, if you know what I mean? Oh thank God the traffic’s moving. Gotta go – I’m already late for my packaging supplier in Brownhills. 

   

Recipe of the Week

By popular demand, this week’s recipe is Susan Carter’s legendary chilli, which Susan tells us she’ll be cooking for hubby Neil to celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary.

‘Neil and I have always had an electric connection, which over time has deepened into something very profound,’ says Susan. ‘My chilli helps us get to the bottom of our feelings for each other. Neil loves to have it hot and steaming on the table!’ Congratulations to the happy couple  – we’ll have what you’re having!

Serves 2, with plenty of seconds

250g lean, masterful mince

450g tin full of beans

1 big hunk of spicy sausage

450g juicy tomatoes (pommes d’amour)

Chilli oil, as hot as you dare

1 beefy stockman cube

Stir all the ingredients together and leave to simmer while hubby gets his cocktail shaker out and rustles up a Dirty Banana. Serve with nothing but a smile.

The Trials of… Helen Archer

In the latest chapter of our passionate family saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, will searing memories of the past destroy our heroine’s hopes of happiness?

Helen stirred the vat of creamy curds and whey with a langorous pleasure. ‘Do you know, Susan,’ she said, ‘I now feel so confident about the Borchester Blue that I can trust my gut on the salt?’

‘I know, Helen,’ smiled the older woman. ‘It’s lovely to see you happy. I might even think you’d met “The One.”’ Helen blushed. Susan was so wise, even if she was intensely irritating most of the time.

But today, not even her wittering about dinner party recipes could dent Helen’s serene mood. There would be no making small talk at Isabel’s tedious prosecco and profiteroles party for her on Friday night. She had a date with Lee…

*

‘Mummy, you know those junk bonds I issued to buy Trafalgar Square? Well now I’ve sold them on as sub-prime collateral to Fannie Mae in New York, so I can buy Pall Mall as well!’

‘Oh, well done Henry darling!’ Helen trilled as she did a little twirl in her new navy midi dress with the white flowers. ‘Mum, I’ve no idea where Henry gets his ruthless corporate finance streak from. Do you think his father worked on Wall Street?’

‘Hush, never mind that now dear,’ said Pat, fondly smoothing a stray lock of hair into her daughter’s chic, messy updo. ‘You’ve got Lee to think about. He’s a very lucky man. And you look lovely. Blue was always your colour. I never agreed with Rob when he said it was mauve.’

Suddenly, a cold fist gripped Helen’s heart. She wouldn’t think of that tonight. Or ever again… ‘Bye Mum, bye Henry,’ she said gaily, swallowing her nerves. ‘Don’t wait up...’

*

‘Oh Helen, you look so beautiful,’ said Lee. ‘Now we’ve eaten, are you sure you don’t need to go to the toilet to see my other Bruce Lee posters?’

Helen stretched like a happy cat on Lee’s squashy sofa, taking in the homely yet deceptively spacious flat with its typical masculine touches of underpants on the radiator and well-worn trainers by the kitchen door.

‘It’s all been perfect,’ she said. ‘The lamb was just pink enough, the smoked salmon blinis were delicious if perhaps a touch under-seasoned, and the tiramisu was lovely even if you didn’t make it yourself, you naughty boy!’

She wagged a finger at Lee and he laughed. He edged closer to her on the sofa and Helen allowed herself to sink into his arms, his kiss, the music he’d chosen specially for her playing softly … ‘Is this love? Is this love? Is this love?’ sang  Corinne Bailey Rae. All at once a searing memory forced its way into Helen’s brain and stabbed her like a knife… a knife…

‘Stop! Stop the music! Stop it now!’ she screamed, grabbing her bag and stumbling out of the flat, desperate to escape, leaving Lee mystified and upset. ‘Helen! Was it sitting on the blob of green glitter slime that put you off?’ he pleaded. ‘Was it because I didn’t have any wipes?’

But Helen was running down the street to the mini-cab office, her dream of happiness forgotten, Rob’s evil laugh ringing in her ears…

To be continued…  

Susan drives Jennifer round the U-bend, plus Russ's secret diary

Ambridge up in arms at Lent challenge

Parishioners of St Stephen’s have voiced opposition to this year’s Lent Appeal, which asks church-goers to ‘Pay for a Favour’ to raise funds for the Intensive Care Unit at Borchester Hospital.

‘After discussion with her family, we agreed it would be a fitting tribute to the memory of Nic Grundy, who so sadly left us a year ago,’ said the Revd Alan Franks. ‘Nic was always bustling about, helping others and letting people know about it with a cheery smile.’   

‘It’s really rather tiresome,’ said an anonymous church-goer. ‘Usually, we all just pretend to give up wine and put a few extra pound coins in the collection. The thought of actually having to help someone isn’t in the spirit of Lent at all.’

‘It’s insulting, bribing people to do things they’d do out of the goodness of their hearts,’ said Susan Carter. ‘For example, just the other day I helped Jennifer Aldridge unblock her U-bend, without any need for payment or any ulterior motive at all. Mind you, it’s better than getting people to give up chocolate. That plays havoc with the shop takings.’

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is back to sort out all your emotional and practical dilemmas.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My mother-in-law has a new man friend who often visits her at our home for what they call ‘Scrabble days’, which involve a lot of giggling behind closed doors. We’re trying to make him welcome, but it can be awkward. For example, the other day I’d just put all my knickers out on the radiators to dry, when he came in. What’s the etiquette here?  Ruth.

Dear Ruth,

Don’t worry; next time you are airing your smalls, tell him they belong to your mother-in-law. If he says: ‘Really? I haven’t seen that pair before!’ you’ll know it’s time to buy a wedding hat.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My husband and I find ourselves in reduced circumstances and this week, I had to look on while my daughter’s mother-in-law, who frankly is not ‘one of us’ insisted on unblocking my U-bend. It was full of the most sordid gunk – I suspect compacted tofu and mung beans from when my vegan daughter had supper with us, but it looked and smelt awful. I had to blame it on the previous owners. And then she insisted we go to her house for a dinner party! How can I avoid such humiliation? Jennifer. 

Dear Jennifer,

I would advise buying a serviceable plunger and asking your husband to become familiar with its use. From your longer letter, I gather he does not have a great deal to do at the moment so this should not prove too difficult. As for the dinner party, why not call and say that to save your hostess work, you’d like to bring a tofu and mung bean dish that’s a particular family favourite. I suspect you’ll find the invitation is quickly withdrawn.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My daughter has been diagnosed with depression and is seeing a therapist. Obviously I want her to get better, but I’m worried that during her sessions she will talk about her childhood and blame her problems on me, because when she was a baby the au pair left and I had a bit of a breakdown. I have a new man friend and wouldn’t want him to be put off. Am I right to be concerned? Jill.

Dear Jill,

No. Whatever makes you think that a therapist would judge you for being distant, self-centred, interfering and over-critical as a parent?  I’m sure your fears are groundless. And even if they’re not, conversations between therapist and client are strictly confidential, so you needn’t worry that your man friend will learn about any past difficulties.  

Coffee break with… Pat Archer

In our series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with the matriarch of Bridge Farm and stalwart volunteer at The Elms (are you sure? She never mentions it these days. Ed)

Q Pat, we’re lucky we’ve managed to pin you down to have a coffee. You’re usually so busy!

A Ha ha ha, yes. Tony and I are really winding down now that our family are running the farm so beautifully. Our daughter Helen lets us take her boys to the soft play centre, but that’s about it these days!

Q And they have some exciting plans, we hear?

A Oh yes. Of course, they do consult us. Just the other day, Tom asked us about his plan to buy a 10-acre field to expand our new agroforestry venture. We were so proud of our grandson Johnny. He was maturely discussing what he’d read in the Financial Times about the outlook for farmland prices. And to think, when he came to us he could barely read or write! But once Tom sorted out his dyslexia by advising him to print things out on tinted paper, there was no stopping him. Maybe that’s why he likes the Financial Times…  Anyway, as I was saying…

Q Er, yes Pat.  Tell us what you’re planning for the dairy?

A Well, we have our new herd of Montbéliarde milkers, which Helen is sure will help her make fabulous cheese. Johnny’s actually looking after them of course, but Helen works so hard, regularly telling him he’s doing quite a good job, and she’s so happy with her new friend Lee – always singing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ around the dairy. It cheers us all up, I can tell you.  

Q And the veg boxes are due for a revamp, we hear?

A Oh yes, Tom’s girlfriend Natasha is very ambitious for those. He’s so sensible; he just does exactly what she tells him. And Tony’s delighted because we’re going to put home-grown beef in our veg boxes, which is a first for Borsetshire. Natasha says it will be quite 'disruptive'. 

Q So with Brexit looming, you’ve no concerns that your plans might be swept off course?

A Good heavens, no. What could possibly go wrong? Oh look, it’s time for lunch. Would you like to stay? It’s only soup and a roll…

Borsetshire Community Cinema

Showing this week: The Sound of Music sing-along

Raid your dressing-up box, become your favourite character and join your family and friends at this very special screening of one of the world’s best-loved musicals. But hurry: tickets are going fast! Already signed up to attend are:

Jill Archer (Mother Superior)

Sabrina Thwaite (the Countess)

Clarrie Grundy (brown paper package tied up with string)

Joe Grundy (warm woollen mittens)

Mia Grundy (Liesl)

Ruairi Donovan (Rolf)

Poppy Grundy (Gretl)

Nic Grundy (Maria – her seat will be left empty).

(That’s enough Sound of Music. Something in my eye. Ed.)

NEW SERIES: The Secret Diary of Russell Jones, aged 40-something

Sunday

Arrived at Lower Loxley (sigh). An uncomfortable journey, wedged in the back seat up against boxes of bedlinen and the Italian coffee pot. Lily knows I find driving stressful. Elizabeth delighted to see Lily, but not so pleased to see Yours Truly; I don’t know why. Tried to help by making my special coffee but Lily was petulant about it. Quite hurtful. And she completely flew off the handle when I suggested asking her relatives for money. I mean, it’s not as if I have any, is it? Not with the Manchester art scene being so cliquey, and Lara being difficult about the divorce.  Lily used to be so obliging and now she’s – spiky.  The last thing an artist needs is a shrewish muse, as any Pre-Raphaelite will tell you. 

Wednesday 

A ghastly evening at The Bull being tormented by Lily’s troll of a cousin, Ben, and his spotty sidekick Ruairi. Not sure which was worse: Jolene’s caterwauling, which threatened to bring on my tinnitus, or bumping into that sour old puss from college. How dare she ask me how I have the nerve to show my face? I’ve done nothing wrong, as I told the disciplinary board just before they presented me with the choice of resigning or being sacked. This is why I was so against us coming back to Ambridge. These petits bourgeois have no clue about grand passion. Next day I showed Lily my sketch of a sorrowing heron, but she actually snarled. Quite hurtful.

Friday

Seems Elizabeth forgot she had a therapy session today. Must be more gaga than I thought. Anyway, quite a few people agreed with my anonymous online comments about Jolene’s dreadful gig at The Bull. Small victories. Then Lily got upset because Elizabeth was more grateful for a few kind words from Freddie than for all of Lily’s help. I suggested one of Russ’s special cuddles to cheer her up but got nowhere. That’s happening more often now. Quite hurtful. Adorable as Lily is, I wonder if her toxic family is having an unhealthy effect on my gut flora. Must eat more nuts and seeds, if I can find them in the back of the car. 

Aldridge has his day in court 

Mr Aldridge on the steps of
 Borchester Magistrates' Court

Disgraced Ambridge farmer Brian Aldridge said he wants to ‘put the past behind him’ after being fined £120,000  at Borchester Magistrates’ Court for polluting the river Am.

Mr Aldridge was greeted by angry protestors and had paint thrown over him as he arrived at court, flanked by his family.

He pleaded guilty to two charges of knowingly permitting a water discharge activity, relating to a leak of toxic chemicals dumped on his land in the 1970s. He has already sold his home to pay for the clean-up, which is believed to have cost more than a million pounds.

‘I’m glad it’s all over and I’m grateful for my family’s support,’ he said. ‘My priority now is to get out of this terrible cheap  jacket, which my son Adam bought from Top Bloke. It’s only got one button. I can’t imagine a worse humiliation.’

   

Letter of the Week

This week’s star letter comes in verse form, thanks to Borsetshire Laureate Bert Fry, who wanted to draw readers’ attention to problems at one of our most popular local attractions. 

Lament for Lower Loxley 

As Lower Loxley’s senior guide

My job has given me great pride.

But lately things have gone awry

And the other guides are asking why.

For example, Lady Henrietta’s bureau

Is closed for cleaning, as all should know.

But the website isn’t up to date 

And visitors got in a dreadful bate.

So the other guides said that I should go

And let Elizabeth Pargetter know.

They said that I’m a man of letters

And used to talking to my betters.

I told her, politely as I could,

That things aren’t working as they should.

I tried to tell her about the rota

But she wouldn’t change it one iota.

I did my best to make her see,

But she just blamed it all on me!

And Elizabeth seemed so distressed

I didn’t know what to do for the best.

So we guides don’t know what we’re doing

And the estate is going to rack and ruin.

So although it pains me to have to say,

I’d advise your readers to stay away.

A lawyer writes

This week, Will Chargemore of local solicitors Hassell and Payne answers your family law questions.

Q My partner and I have an agreement with a wonderful Bulgarian woman to help us have a child by being our surrogate. I am the baby’s biological father and we used a donor egg. Our surrogate has decided to spend her pregnancy in Bulgaria and return for the birth. With Brexit looming, what are the implications for our family if the baby is born in Bulgaria, or if his or her mother decides to stay in the UK after the birth?  

A Yours is a most unusual situation and I have throughly researched international law and precedents to find you the answer, which is… not a Scooby. Sorry.

Q Our widowed mother has announced she has a man friend, who at 80 is some years younger than her. He seems pleasant enough, although frankly he knows nothing about pigs or dairy farming. We would like her to be happy in her autumn years, of course, but should we be worried in case she changes her will?

A No, but if they are as close as you say, I would strongly suggest a pre-nup.

Q  My husband and I are going through a divorce and have just received our  degree nisi. Recently though, we’re getting on much better and because he has run a half-marathon and is getting his business back on track, I’m beginning to fancy him again. Legally, can we get back together?

A  Yes, of course; you can apply to have the decree nisi rescinded and your divorce petition dismissed. Any lawyer would be happy to take your money – I should say, offer their professional services for the reinstatement of marital harmony. 

  

Be my Valentine…

Love must be in the air in Ambridge, as this year we’ve received a bumper crop of Valentine’s messages from our readers. Our editor’s off to buy a wedding hat!

From the gin king:

Rosie’s our baby, you’re her lovely mum,

And I know you think I’m a lazy bum.

But now I’ve paid Emma to clean the cottage,

Will you let me play hide the sausage?

To my hunky karate teacher: 

Make a move on me and I won’t defend myself (unlike that time in court when I had to…) Anyway, you give me butterflies despite your terrible taste in shoes and your love of fart jokes. Say you’ll take me up Lakey Hill soon! 

From Wales with love:

I knew I wanted to share my spreadsheets with you when I saw your PowerPoint at the Nuffield. Now all you have to say is ‘veg box’ and my money-maker starts tingling! With my brains and your slavish devotion it will be win-win all the way, boyo!

To my dapper Valentine:

My family are worrying about my morals,

But life is fun since we met at The Laurels. 

So polish your dancing shoes and buff up your dentures 

And let’s set off on some glorious adventures.

To my favourite bird:

Before I met you I couldn’t tell a marsh warbler from a blue tit. Now you make me twitch and there’s no one I’d rather hide with. Come and nest with me in the Beechwood and we’ll make sweet music.