Exam results disappoint, Joe makes a point and a shock appointment : an upside down week in Ambridge

Local students stunned by ‘disastrous’ exam results
 

While their peers across Borsetshire were celebrating record A-level successes, two Ambridge teenagers say they are ‘devastated’ by their exam results.

‘It’s not fair,’ said Phoebe Aldridge of Home Farm. ‘I only got three As and one A-star, and I wanted an A-star in History as well. I blame my so-called mother. I knew I should have finished Volume 4 of Churchill’s History of the English-Speaking Peoples. But she kept me up till dawn with her stupid solstice celebration.’

Ms Aldridge said her grades were good enough for her to take up her place to read PPE at Oxford University. ‘But all the other girls will have two A-stars. Now I really must interrogate the question of whether I want to continue on the education conveyor belt at all!’ (Sorry, what? Ed).

Meanwhile, Josh Archer of Brookfield said he was ‘gutted’ by his results: two Bs and a C.

‘It’s a disaster. My cover as a lazy layabout who’s only fit to raise chickens is completely blown,’ he said. ‘I’m outed as the brains of the family, just because I got better results than my dad or my sister.’

Mr Archer said he had deferred his place at Felpersham University for a year to consider his options. ‘Maybe if I can spend the next year doing some incredibly stupid things, mum and dad will forget about me going to college’, he said. ‘You don’t need a degree to run an egg empire. Just lots of hens.’

Business news

By our agribusiness correspondent Hector Cash-Cropp

Damara Capital appoints estates head…

Rob Titchener, who left his post as herd manager of Berrow Farm last year, is returning to Damara Capital to run all of the conglomerate’s Borsetshire estates.

‘It’s a big step up, but I have every confidence in Rob,’ said chairman Justin Elliott. ‘Now that route B is no longer going ahead, we need to make the land earn its keep while new planning applications go through. Rob convinced me he has the skills to squeeze every last drop out of any project he takes on and I know he will keep tight control of all the company assets.’

Mr Elliott said he was ‘relaxed’ about the forthcoming trial at which Mr Titchener’s wife stands accused of trying to murder him. ‘My social secretary Lilian Bellamy did express a concern, but when it comes to business she knows I’m the boss,’ he said. ‘Rob and I share this view of women in the workplace.’

Mr Titchener said he was ‘delighted, but not surprised’ to be offered the post. ‘As soon as I made it known I was looking for opportunities, Justin called and this seemed like a natural fit for a man of my abilities,’ he said. ‘I had taken a step back from my career at my wife’s insistence, as she wanted me to set up her little family farm shop.

‘I achieved this, at great personal cost, I must say. But I’m now ready to take on a man-sized job again and I’m looking forward to getting my teeth into the challenge.’

…. as Carter flies high in new role

Alice Carter has been appointed sales manager of FlyByNight Aerial Imagery, a start-up that aims to get Borsetshire farmers up to speed with the latest drone technology.

‘It’s really amazing,’ said Mrs Carter. ‘Our breakthrough, cutting-edge innovations mean we can achieve accurate images even in the dark, and transmit data direct to on-board computers. Using the latest GPS techniques we can help you calibrate fertiliser spread or seed distribution with unrivalled precision!’

Mrs Carter said her role was to engage with farmers and demonstrate how FlyByNight can help save costs and improve efficiency. ‘I don’t see it as sales; it’s just helping people,’ she said. ‘For instance, I bet I could save you some money. Are you a farmer? Do you know any farmers? Can I talk to them? Would you like my card? Wait…come back….’ (That’s enough biz news. Ed.)

New series: Down Memory Lane

In the first of an occasional series, Joe Grundy reminisces about a colourful Ambridge character of his youth…

‘When I was a lad, many’s the night me and Billy Tompkins would meet up and go foraging – poaching, as our Clarrie calls it.

‘I never knew anyone loved his ferrets as much as Billy – not even me. We had some rare old adventures. Feedin’ the pheasants on whisky-soaked raisins to get ‘em drowsy… More than once we nearly came ‘ome with poacher’s bottom – what they used to call a backside full of gunshot pellets. But we never got caught.

‘Billy went to Italy, 1943 it was, never came home again. But I didn’t forget him – I named one of my best ever ferrets after him.

‘Course, you couldn’t do that now. Poachin’ is stealin’, they say; trespassers will be persecuted an’ all that. But if the common man needs a little something from the land, it’s only a tiny fraction of what was rightfully ‘is and what was stolen from ‘im.

‘Take Grange Farm. It’s my God-given right to die on the land I farmed for so long. But that Caroline Sterling says I’ve got to pack up my ferrets and she’s going to throw me out, with no more dignity than a sack of spuds. (That’s enough reminiscing. The Sterlings’ lawyers have been on. Ed).     

From the AmMums message boards

Our pick of the topics that got Ambridge mums chatting online this week…

• Hey guys! I don’t usually drop in here, what with being a super-busy eco-entrepreneur. And anyway, I don’t feel like a mum – Feebs is more like my best friend, you know? But guess what – she absolutely smashed her A-levels! And I mean more smashed than me after a night on the vegan tequila! So it’s off to Oxford for my baby. How cool is that? Oh – and by the way ladies, it’s 10 per cent off chakra rebalancing at Spiritual Home this week! KleverKate

• Congratulations Kate; you must be delighted. But you know, I do sometimes feel sorry for clever girls. Take my Anna. She did so well, passing all those exams, lots of distinctions, being called to the Bra, or whatever those lawyers do. But it’s no life for a young woman, her head stuck in books and files. I often wish she’d settle down with a life-partner of her choice. Instead of which here she is, about to get divorced and going to bed with Johnnie Walker instead of that nice Max. And I’m sure it’s affecting how she’s managing poor Helen Titchener’s case. Still, we can’t live our children’s lives for them, can we? I’m certain Phoebe will turn out fine, despite being a bluestocking. CarolT

• You don’t know how lucky you are, the pair of you. I’m worried sick about my George. He’s just finished primary school, it’s the middle of the holidays, and he’s spending all his time reading a book! It’s not natural for a boy his age. Not natural for a Grundy of any age, to be fair. I think it’s all the stress we’re under, having to keep Grange Farm clean for viewings, Lady Muck Sterling turning up whenever she likes. Anyone would think she owned the place! Why can’t George be out causing trouble like other boys? It’s not right. MummyEmma. 

• Don’t worry Emma; George will be fine if you carry on believing in him. That’s what I’ve found with my Robert. He’s been through a terrible time, getting mixed up with … well, this is AmMums, so I won’t talk about women who aren’t fit to be a mother! But he’s through it all now and soon he’ll have Henry and baby Gideon living with him full-time – and he’s just landed a top job, too. He’s determined to settle in Ambridge, so I can’t wait to visit often and become a part of village life! GrandmaUrsula

• Get off here, you ghastly troll. You’re not part of Ambridge life and never will be, no matter how much time you spend eavesdropping on gossip in the village shop. How can you think Rob is a good father? You might be his mother but anyone can see he’s a monster! And as for saying Helen’s not a fit mother…. No words. Just no words. Anon. 

• Well, I say! Is this Pat Archer? I wouldn’t be surprised by anything that family might stoop to. And so cowardly too. GrandmaUrsula.

• What Anon said. Everyone.

(This thread has been closed. AmMumsMod).

Anna is frustrated, Shula is tormented, Rob is thwarted: a deeply disturbing week in Ambridge

Parish council puts paid to elves

In an extra-ordinary meeting this week, Ambridge parish councillors voted unanimously to support the following recommendation:

‘That the owners of the facility known as ElfWorld on Grundys Field shall be required to remove all plastic dayglo signage on the village green, the hand-painted bedsheet sign on the highway, and the advertising hoarding reading ‘Ambridge twinned with ElfWorld’ on the village boundary.’

The Clerk noted that Messrs Joe and Eddie Grundy had agreed to co-operate with the order

and accepted that their tourist attraction was no longer viable.  

‘Some of us felt a bit sorry for Joe and Eddie,’ said one councillor. ‘But ElfWorld couldn’t go on as it was. Joe’s idea to turn the grotto into a cottage hospital was a nightmare. Children were screaming with fright, their parents’ Volvos were getting stuck in the mud and Environmental Health were all over us.’

‘It’s true; ElfWorld has gone down the plughole,’ said Eddie Grundy. ‘But Dad isn’t taking it lying down. He’s got the elves stashed away somewhere, and he’s busy writing a play called “George Grundy and the Sycamore-Cursed Child”. There might be something in it, you never know.’

New series: Ask Aunty Satya

Are you struggling with a moral dilemma or stuck on a point of etiquette? With her warm-hearted wisdom and forensic legal skills, Usha Franks’s favourite aunty has the answers!

Dear Aunty Satya,

My granddaughter’s heart was broken recently, yet she is having a passionate relationship with a most unsuitable young man and when I tactfully asked her about it, she said it was ‘just a summer fling’. This young man’s father was a cad and I am worried about my granddaughter’s welfare. What would you advise? Jill A.

Dear Jill,

At times like this it is often wise to look to the ways of our ancestors. Perhaps you could take this young man on one side and threaten him with a shotgun. Or contact his father and urge him to cut his son off without a penny. But youngsters today are very headstrong. You may find it more effective to follow them around and burst in saying: ‘Hello you two!’ whenever they are alone.

Dear Aunty Satya,

I was desperate to confess to perverting the course of justice in order to help my cousin, who is facing a charge of attempted murder. But her lawyer tells me because I lied to the police once, I am an unreliable witness and my evidence about my cousin’s violent husband is inadmissible. I feel I need to be punished. What can I do? Shula H-L.

Dear Shula,

I believe there are places where ladies who feel they have been naughty can go to be chastised; my niece Usha once defended a gentleman who ran a ‘dungeon’ in Cricklewood, I think it was. But I digress. Dwelling on the past is unhealthy for your spirit. If you meditate on your present life – at your absent son, dull husband, thankless job and unrealised dreams of romance – you may well conclude you are being punished enough already.

Dear Aunty Satya,

I am running a business with my brother and reluctantly I have had to admit to myself that he is an an arrogant, lazy, selfish leech who is more interested in chasing skirt than being responsible at work or looking after his family. Our father recently had a heart attack and he has refused point-blank to help. Do you have any advice? Rex F.

Dear Rex,

I think if you read through your letter again, my dear, you will find you have answered your own question.

Dear Aunty Satya,

The legal case I am working on is giving me sleepless nights. A key witness – my client’s husband’s first wife – has refused to testify; my client still won’t tell me what really happened to her; her brother can only think about his Nuffield scholarship and my own mother is driving me mad, fussing over me. How can I make progress? Anna T.

Dear Anna,

In a difficult situation we should turn to family. When Usha was working on a tough case I made sure I was always there with a pot of tea and a pile of pakoras. I would recommend you take your mother’s good advice and eat your muesli. You cannot fight a devious psychopath with low blood sugar.  

The Trials of Rob Titchener

In the latest chapter of our summer saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our hero struggles with turbulent emotions as events begin to spin out of his control…

‘Congratulations captain – first round’s on me!’ Rob slapped Burns on the shoulder. PC Plod  lacked the Titchener will to beat Darrington at any cost, but at least he’d had the wit to take Rob’s advice.

‘Um, well actually Harrison, we’ve got plans…’ Fallon whispered urgently in her boyfriend’s ear, obviously making up some lie. Rob felt the pulse throbbing in his head. To think he’d forced himself to praise her grubby little tea room. Ungrateful cow.

‘No worries mate! We’ll have one for you, won’t we lads?’ But the rest of the team seemed to take their cue from their captain, making excuses and hurrying off. Suppressing his irritation, Rob burst into the changing room, where Adam Macy was still towelling himself off. ‘Adam! Come for a drink. Bring Ian!’ ‘I’m sorry Rob. You might as well know Ian’s agreed to be a character witness for Helen. So to be honest….’

Adam’s cool gaze was more than Rob could bear. Using every ounce of strength he had not to strike the man, he spat: ‘Honest? Your lot don’t know the meaning of the word!’

He turned on his heel, ignoring Adam’s outraged reaction, red clouds of anger swirling in his head….  

*

‘Henry. Stop that!’ Rob clenched his hands on the steering wheel. ‘I said stop kicking the seat, or I’ll take your new tablet away.’ ‘You said we were going to see Granny Ursula!’ the boy whined. ‘But I told you, we’re seeing an old friend of mine first. Now be patient.’

Damn. Where was she? Typical of her to mess him around, even if she wasn’t expecting him. At last, a woman and a buggy came out of the house with the red gate. Rob quietly put the  car into gear and followed her to the park. Once he’d had a word with Jess and baby Ethan, she’d be clear on what to say to that bitch Anna Tregorran…

*

‘OK Henry, let’s play the game one more time before we get home. What do you say to the nice social worker tomorrow, when she asks you about living with me?’

Rob kept an eye on the little boy in the rear view mirror as he recited his lines like a nursery rhyme.  

‘Daddy gives me sweets. Daddy lets me play in the mud. Daddy plays cricket. Daddy buys me a tablet with apps on. I have lots and lots of fun with Daddy and not with anyone else. Not Grandma Pat with her nasty food. Not dirty Emma. Not bad Mummy. Is that right Daddy? Can I have pizza afterwards?’

‘Yes Henry, you certainly can. Good boy.’ For the first time all week, Rob felt relaxed…

To be continued…

Recipe of the week

Cheers to Alistair Lloyd for sending us this celebration cocktail recipe. ‘Unfortunately I wasn’t able to make my wife Shula’s birthday party at The Bull as I was busy transporting veterinary-standard paperclips from Penny Hassett to The Stables,’ he said.

‘But I asked her twin Kenton to whip up this cheeky cocktail for her.’ Sounds like it packs a punch, Alistair!

St Shula’s Martyrita

1 large glass whine

1 measure tomartyr juice

1 measure dry martyrini

1 egg-white-on-face

Plenty of bitters

Mix all the ingredients together. Pour into an Old Fashioned glass, garnish with a sour cherry, top up with ice and drink through the last straw.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

I must protest in the strongest terms about your report of our beloved dog Scruff’s funeral service last week. I can’t imagine where your so-called journalist got his facts (although the fact that Scruff’s former owner couldn’t even be bothered to attend his memorial speaks volumes in my opinion. Shocking.)

Anyway, far from the disrespectful parodies of hymns you list, Robert read a very moving poem by John Galsworthy, and we played Enigma Variation #11, which was inspired by a bulldog called Dan. This was a thoughtful link to Scruff’s former owner’s son, which she completely ignored. And this from a pillar of St Stephen’s.

Please print a prominent correction at your earliest convenience.

Yours faithfully (unlike Scruff’s former owner)

Mrs Lynda Snell

We have apologised to Mrs Snell for any distress caused by our report, and have made a donation to the Eternal Paws Pet Crematorium in recognition of the fine work they do. Ed.     

Triumph at the fete, tragedy for Scruff and a dilemma for Emma: a moving week in Ambridge

Snell stars after Carvalho’s shock no-show

Ambridge village green exploded in a ‘Rio-t’ of colour (trying too hard here. Ed) on Sunday as the fete made a triumphant return to its traditional home with a modern Olympic carnival theme.

Lynda Snell, stalwart of village life for 30 years, stepped in at the last minute to open the fete after Felpersham City footballer Benny Carvalho was unavoidably detained (see “My crazy coke-fuelled night with ‘Big Ben’ Carvalho’”, page 22).

Wearing a floral teagown, styled by Lilian Bellamy, Mrs Snell carried the Olympic torch around the green, narrowly avoiding setting fire to her large feathered hat. She was followed by a samba band, village children waving flags of all nations and the Edgeley Morris Men gamely trying to twerk.

Hundred of visitors then took part in activities including pitch-and-putt, archery, Dunk the Vicar, Splat the Rat and Guess the Gender of the Jelly Babies (number, surely? Ed). The WI tea tent, beer tent and pop-up Ambridge Tea Room were all highly popular.

‘Apart from a year 5 from Penny Hassett failing a drugs test before the egg and spoon final, it was a huge success,’ said master of ceremonies Kenton Archer.

Fallon Rogers, who took over the event after an acrimonious split in the committee (see Ambridge Observer, 24 July), said she was ‘honoured and humbled’ that Mrs Snell had opened the fete. 

‘I completely underestimated how hard Lynda has worked all these years. It was the least Emma and I could do to make up a box of the unsold Brazilian pastries as a thank you,’ she said.

STOP PRESS: Celebration turned to tragedy immediately after the fete, as Mrs Snell found that while she was out, her dog Scruff had passed away peacefully on the Resurgam stone at Ambridge Hall. (see ‘In memoriam’ below).

Burns hopes to beat Darrington by the book

New Ambridge cricket captain Harrison Burns is employing bold ‘mind games’ tactics for this Sunday’s crucial match against Darrington.

‘I’ve given the lads a copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War,’ he revealed at a pre-match press conference. ‘At first sight there might not be much in common between Chinese military strategy of the 5th century BC and a game of village cricket. But I was struck by the book’s key message: ‘All warfare is based on deception.’ So all we have to do is deceive Darrington into thinking we’re good at cricket, and victory is ours.’

Burns said his reading regime had gone down ‘pretty well’ with the team.  ‘Johnny Phillips said his pigs had eaten his copy, Roy Tucker thought I was talking about a Chinese takeaway, and Tom Archer said if it wasn’t about organic baby food, he wouldn’t have time to read it. But Alistair Lloyd thought it was a great idea. He said being married to Shula, he knew all about psychological warfare and could do with some more tips.’

Coffee break with… Emma Grundy

In our occasional series on Ambridge residents with interesting jobs, we catch up with Emma Grundy, rising star of the Ambridge Tea Room.

Q How does it feel to be a catering queen?

A Oh, go on… really?  We’re a team at the Ambridge Tea Room. Though Fallon does rely on me for everything. Kirsty Miller helps out sometimes, but to be honest she doesn’t have a lot to offer. Just because she came up with that good idea at the football club party… Anyway, my little Keira is a princess, and I’m her mummy, so I guess that makes me a queen!

Q What’s a typical day like for you Emma?

A Well, no two days are the same! Like on Sunday, I was up at dawn making Brazilian pastries for the fete, and this morning I went to see my husband Ed’s new Texel sheep. He reckons they’ll make our fortune, but his granddad Joe says pigs might fly.  I’ll be serving in the Tea Room, and this week I’ve taken on a new babysitting job too.

Q How do you juggle your career with being a mum of two?

A At the moment we’re lucky because we’re living with Ed’s family at Grange Farm, so they all help with George and little Keira. But we’ve got to move soon, so Ed and I have been looking at rented places. We saw one this week but it’s 20 miles away from Ambridge. We might have to go back to stay with my parents, although my mum’s never really forgiven Ed for throwing up on her sofa.

Q Who are your biggest influences?

A I get my work ethic from my mum. For instance, just this week I asked her advice about whether I should agree to babysit Rob Titchener’s young son Henry. Henry’s mum’s one of my best friends, after all. Mum said if I’m going to betray a friend, I should make sure I get good money for it. And it’s cash in hand, so I can treat the kids this summer. She’s like that my mum. Always thinking of others.

Your week in the stars

After the fete, what does fate have in store? Our new columnist, renowned astrologer Janet Planet, has all the answers...

Pisces  No one can accuse Miss Pisces of being a cold fish this week! Desire burns  hotter than a swollen udder, and a weekend trip sounds tempting, but keep your trysts discreet – you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, but you’ll break a heart if you’re not careful.  

Taurus A chance encounter with a medical man may leave lady Taureans in a romantic spin. Will lunch lead to love? But be prepared for a bumpy ride at exam results time; teenagers may need support, especially if one sibling is a smug swot and the other is a hopeless dunce.

Gemini  Farming Geminis can give themselves a well-earned pat on the back this week; your stars have aligned to help you sort out problems from mastitis to grass shortages. But remember pride goes before a fall from Lakey Hill! Young family members may not stay out of trouble for long, so don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.

Leo  Leos with a birthday this week may find themselves struggling with a moral dilemma, and will need a lion’s courage to risk upsetting friends and family by telling the truth at last. Celebrations may have an Olympic theme, and a pub may be involved, but beware leftover Brazilian canapés if you don’t fancy ‘Rio revenge’!

Scorpio Memories of an ex-partner come back to haunt you this week, and you may find yourself under pressure to relive traumatic events in your past. An meeting with a legal representative could be painful but has the potential to change many lives for the better, so follow your heart and speak up. Please!!!  

PERSONAL ANNOUNCEMENTS

In Memoriam

Robert and Lynda Snell would like to thank all those who sent kind messages following the passing of their beloved dog Scruff.

Thanks also to staff at Eternal Paws Pet Crematorium for a lovely service, which included ‘Now thank we all our dog’; ‘Love canine, all loves excelling’ and ‘The Lord is my German Shepherd’ and concluded with ‘Somewhere over the rainbow’.

‘We lost you once after the flood, and to lose you again is even harder to bear. But we had those last few precious months together. Sleep well Scruffy; a life well lived.’