Sunday, 21 August 2016

Exam results disappoint, Joe makes a point and a shock appointment : an upside down week in Ambridge

Local students stunned by ‘disastrous’ exam results

While their peers across Borsetshire were celebrating record A-level successes, two Ambridge teenagers say they are ‘devastated’ by their exam results.
‘It’s not fair,’ said Phoebe Aldridge of Home Farm. ‘I only got three As and one A-star, and I wanted an A-star in History as well. I blame my so-called mother. I knew I should have finished Volume 4 of Churchill’s History of the English-Speaking Peoples. But she kept me up till dawn with her stupid solstice celebration.’
Ms Aldridge said her grades were good enough for her to take up her place to read PPE at Oxford University. ‘But all the other girls will have two A-stars. Now I really must interrogate the question of whether I want to continue on the education conveyor belt at all!’ (Sorry, what? Ed).
Meanwhile, Josh Archer of Brookfield said he was ‘gutted’ by his results: two Bs and a C.
‘It’s a disaster. My cover as a lazy layabout who’s only fit to raise chickens is completely blown,’ he said. ‘I’m outed as the brains of the family, just because I got better results than my dad or my sister.’
Mr Archer said he had deferred his place at Felpersham University for a year to consider his options. ‘Maybe if I can spend the next year doing some incredibly stupid things, mum and dad will forget about me going to college’, he said. ‘You don’t need a degree to run an egg empire. Just lots of hens.’

Business news

By our agribusiness correspondent Hector Cash-Cropp

Damara Capital appoints estates head…

Rob Titchener, who left his post as herd manager of Berrow Farm last year, is returning to Damara Capital to run all of the conglomerate’s Borsetshire estates.
‘It’s a big step up, but I have every confidence in Rob,’ said chairman Justin Elliott. ‘Now that route B is no longer going ahead, we need to make the land earn its keep while new planning applications go through. Rob convinced me he has the skills to squeeze every last drop out of any project he takes on and I know he will keep tight control of all the company assets.’
Mr Elliott said he was ‘relaxed’ about the forthcoming trial at which Mr Titchener’s wife stands accused of trying to murder him. ‘My social secretary Lilian Bellamy did express a concern, but when it comes to business she knows I’m the boss,’ he said. ‘Rob and I share this view of women in the workplace.’
Mr Titchener said he was ‘delighted, but not surprised’ to be offered the post. ‘As soon as I made it known I was looking for opportunities, Justin called and this seemed like a natural fit for a man of my abilities,’ he said. ‘I had taken a step back from my career at my wife’s insistence, as she wanted me to set up her little family farm shop.
‘I achieved this, at great personal cost, I must say. But I’m now ready to take on a man-sized job again and I’m looking forward to getting my teeth into the challenge.’

…. as Carter flies high in new role

Alice Carter has been appointed sales manager of FlyByNight Aerial Imagery, a start-up that aims to get Borsetshire farmers up to speed with the latest drone technology.
‘It’s really amazing,’ said Mrs Carter. ‘Our breakthrough, cutting-edge innovations mean we can achieve accurate images even in the dark, and transmit data direct to on-board computers. Using the latest GPS techniques we can help you calibrate fertiliser spread or seed distribution with unrivalled precision!’
Mrs Carter said her role was to engage with farmers and demonstrate how FlyByNight can help save costs and improve efficiency. ‘I don’t see it as sales; it’s just helping people,’ she said. ‘For instance, I bet I could save you some money. Are you a farmer? Do you know any farmers? Can I talk to them? Would you like my card? Wait…come back….’ (That’s enough biz news. Ed.)

New series: Down Memory Lane

In the first of an occasional series, Joe Grundy reminisces about a colourful Ambridge character of his youth…

‘When I was a lad, many’s the night me and Billy Tompkins would meet up and go foraging – poaching, as our Clarrie calls it.
‘I never knew anyone loved his ferrets as much as Billy – not even me. We had some rare old adventures. Feedin’ the pheasants on whisky-soaked raisins to get ‘em drowsy… More than once we nearly came ‘ome with poacher’s bottom – what they used to call a backside full of gunshot pellets. But we never got caught.
‘Billy went to Italy, 1943 it was, never came home again. But I didn’t forget him – I named one of my best ever ferrets after him.
‘Course, you couldn’t do that now. Poachin’ is stealin’, they say; trespassers will be persecuted an’ all that. But if the common man needs a little something from the land, it’s only a tiny fraction of what was rightfully ‘is and what was stolen from ‘im.
‘Take Grange Farm. It’s my God-given right to die on the land I farmed for so long. But that Caroline Sterling says I’ve got to pack up my ferrets and she’s going to throw me out, with no more dignity than a sack of spuds. (That’s enough reminiscing. The Sterlings’ lawyers have been on. Ed).     

From the AmMums message boards

Our pick of the topics that got Ambridge mums chatting online this week…

• Hey guys! I don’t usually drop in here, what with being a super-busy eco-entrepreneur. And anyway, I don’t feel like a mum – Feebs is more like my best friend, you know? But guess what – she absolutely smashed her A-levels! And I mean more smashed than me after a night on the vegan tequila! So it’s off to Oxford for my baby. How cool is that? Oh – and by the way ladies, it’s 10 per cent off chakra rebalancing at Spiritual Home this week! KleverKate

• Congratulations Kate; you must be delighted. But you know, I do sometimes feel sorry for clever girls. Take my Anna. She did so well, passing all those exams, lots of distinctions, being called to the Bra, or whatever those lawyers do. But it’s no life for a young woman, her head stuck in books and files. I often wish she’d settle down with a life-partner of her choice. Instead of which here she is, about to get divorced and going to bed with Johnnie Walker instead of that nice Max. And I’m sure it’s affecting how she’s managing poor Helen Titchener’s case. Still, we can’t live our children’s lives for them, can we? I’m certain Phoebe will turn out fine, despite being a bluestocking. CarolT

• You don’t know how lucky you are, the pair of you. I’m worried sick about my George. He’s just finished primary school, it’s the middle of the holidays, and he’s spending all his time reading a book! It’s not natural for a boy his age. Not natural for a Grundy of any age, to be fair. I think it’s all the stress we’re under, having to keep Grange Farm clean for viewings, Lady Muck Sterling turning up whenever she likes. Anyone would think she owned the place! Why can’t George be out causing trouble like other boys? It’s not right. MummyEmma. 

• Don’t worry Emma; George will be fine if you carry on believing in him. That’s what I’ve found with my Robert. He’s been through a terrible time, getting mixed up with … well, this is AmMums, so I won’t talk about women who aren’t fit to be a mother! But he’s through it all now and soon he’ll have Henry and baby Gideon living with him full-time – and he’s just landed a top job, too. He’s determined to settle in Ambridge, so I can’t wait to visit often and become a part of village life! GrandmaUrsula

• Get off here, you ghastly troll. You’re not part of Ambridge life and never will be, no matter how much time you spend eavesdropping on gossip in the village shop. How can you think Rob is a good father? You might be his mother but anyone can see he’s a monster! And as for saying Helen’s not a fit mother…. No words. Just no words. Anon. 

• Well, I say! Is this Pat Archer? I wouldn’t be surprised by anything that family might stoop to. And so cowardly too. GrandmaUrsula.

• What Anon said. Everyone.

(This thread has been closed. AmMumsMod).


  1. AmMums Giant Snorks Christine. 😂

  2. You should have seen the posts the mods had to delete! :-)

  3. I can see a natural fit between Alice and Toby, what with their mutual passion for drones. *Ah hem* I am saying no more.

  4. Oh no.... and they're both terrible salespeople. Perish the thought...