Matt Crawford attack: the 20 key questions that could solve the crime

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) says the shock hit-and-run attack that nearly ended the life of Matt Crawford is ‘the biggest case of my career’.

‘I was here when Helen Archer attacked Rob Titchener, but bigger detectives came in and took over,’ he told a packed press briefing. ‘This one is mine, and as the local village bobby I am going to use my intimate knowledge of Ambridge to work out who committed this callous crime all by myself.’

PC Burns said he had begun his enquiries by writing a list of everyone who might have wanted to do harm to Mr Crawford, but that took too long, especially as Fallon needed him to try out her new recipe for pineapple upside-down cake.

‘So instead I have come up with a list of 20 unanswered questions that may have a bearing on this case and will lead us to the perpetrator,’ PC Burns said. ‘I am piecing together a full picture of events before and after the incident, from the Hunt Ball on Sunday to the Hallowe’en party at The Bull on Tuesday. The cake is very nice, by the way.’

Anyone who can provide answers to any of the questions below is asked to call 101, or have a word with PC Burns in the Bridge Farm tea room, where he is always available for a cosy chat over a plate of macaroni cheese.

1. Was the colour that Lexi Viktorova chose for her new room at Grey Gables ‘too green’?

2. Why did Roy Tucker forget to order poppadums (Lexi’s favourite) and then offer to go all the way back to Borchester to fetch them?

3.  Who will Christine Barford choose to take with her on the Rhine cruise she won in the Hunt Ball raffle?

4. Why is Noluthando Madikane such a fan of Frank Sinatra?

5. What is the secret of the balsamic glaze on chef Ian Craig’s roast beef?

6. How much did Philip Moss win at the Hunt Ball casino?

7. Why does Noluthando call Peggy Woolley Gogo, and why does she allow it?

8. What makes a Bloodthirsty Virgin non-alcoholic cocktail taste disgusting? 

9. Did Shula ever decide what time to serve the survivors’ breakfast?

10. Just how alarming were the shapes that Alistair threw with Jennifer at the Ball?

11. Is the oxtail soup nicer than the coffee in Borchester Hospital’s vending machines?

12. Is a vote for Robert Snell in the Parish Council election really a vote for Lynda Snell?

13. Those artificial flowers Lexi likes: are they silk, or just good-quality polyester?

14. Why is the Hallowe’en punch at The Bull in a glass bowl when it should be in a cauldron?

15. Will Peggy be happy to have her birthday dinner at Grey Gables or would she secretly have preferred La Femme du Monde?

16. Why did Pip want hot chocolate as well as a chocolate flapjack when tea would be a more balanced choice?

17. Why have some of the heifers at Brookfield lost condition, and will drying them off early be a sensible long-term decision for the health of the herd or a foolish waste of an opportunity, given the uptick in the milk price?

18. When will Lilian make an appointment for Ruby to get her hair cut?

19. What is Peggy Woolley thinking, throwing away the dress she wore at her wedding to Jack?

20. What is on Adam’s mind? No, really, what is it? If it’s not work, it must be something to do with the baby? Come on, talk to me, Adam (continues for several hours).