‘Notorious crook’
at large in Ambridge, police warn
Borsetshire’s
Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) told a packed press conference this week
that convicted fraudster Matt Crawford, who fled Ambridge more than two years
ago, has returned to the village.
‘This is an
opportunity for me to close one of my most difficult cases,’ said PC Burns. ‘I
still remember how devastated Mrs Lilian Bellamy was when she found that Mr
Crawford had gone and the Dower House had been stripped of cash and valuables –
except for the print of ‘The Crying Boy’ that not even he would touch.
‘It was
thought that Mr Crawford’s escape to Costa Rica had put him beyond the reach of
international justice,’ said PC Burns. ‘But now he is back in Ambridge, this is
another chance for me to get my man. And frankly, this couldn’t have come at a
better time for me. I can show I do care about older ladies, as they all hate
me just now because of the cricket team.’
PC Burns
said Mr Crawford had been seen outside the Dower House on Friday, smoking a
large cigar and carrying an enormous bunch of flowers.
‘Given Mr
Crawford’s track record, we can only assume he is up to no good,’ said PC
Burns.
Contacted
by The Ambridge Observer, Mrs Bellamy
said she was unable to comment. ‘It’s all rather awkward darling, if you know
what I mean,’ she said.
Gin king defiant over trade talks
The
fledgling gin business run by Toby Fairbrother is still looking for capital
after turning down an ‘impossible’ offer of investment this week.
‘I wasn’t
surprised that Kenton and Jolene Archer were prepared to back me, as the new
marshmallow flavouring is a winner,’ said Mr Fairbrother. ‘It’s so good, focus
groups can’t find the words to describe it. It literally leaves them struggling
to speak!’
‘Kenton and
Jolene loved the ‘Moon Goddess’ concept I’d come up with,’ he added. ‘In fact Mrs
Archer was keen to model for the artwork. I was fine with that. Nothing says “marshmallow”
quite like Jolene’s assets!’
Mr
Fairbrother said he was also prepared to feature The Bull on the bottles. ‘But
then Kenton said he wanted to change the name from ‘Fairbrother Gin’ to ‘Archer
Gin’, he revealed. ‘At that point I walked away. As I said to my girlfriend
Pip, no deal is better than a bad deal!’
NEW SERIES: Teen talk
The secret
diary of Ben Archer, aged 15 and three weeks
Sunday
Stayed in
my room all morning. Told mum I was doing homework and she’s still so upset
about Tom telling Dad off she believed me. Josh said my music was so loud he
couldn’t hear himself making money with his second-hand tractors so I turned it
up louder. Went out with mum to buy a game. Met Uncle Kenton in Borchester. He and
mum were talking about Black Death and Che Guevara. I said I’d already got that
game. So lame.
Tuesday
So, hello
from Lurgy Boy. Lurgy Boy of year 11. So maybe the IBR did come from
Brookfield. Not my fault! School sucks. I’m not going again this week. Told mum
I was ill and she just said ‘OK Ben, just don’t upset your dad, pet.’ He didn’t
even notice. Gran said he was cross because Joe Grundy had been very rude about
him in The Bull. She was upset too. Didn’t mind when I took three extra
flapjacks. The only good thing about today. Except for seeing Josh with his
laptop at the bus stop. He said it was too noisy to work at home. Like he’s
working. He can’t even code.
Thursday
Stayed at
home. Pip said she’d make me lunch and I got beans on burnt toast. Ate it ‘cos
I was starving. Forgot you’re supposed to be off your food when you’re ill.
Lucky I’d got the flapjacks. Pip said: ‘Ben, if you’d done something wrong, and
knew you should own up to mum and dad, but they’ve already got so much to worry
about, what would you do?” No idea what she was talking about. Mum came home in
a worse state than ever. She’d had a massive row with Helen about the IBR and
made Clarrie Grundy cry. Something about e.Coli that I don’t remember. Then Mum
started to cry and tried to give me a hug. So I just turned my music up. Why can’t
everyone just leave me alone????!!!!!
A word from St Stephen’s
To mark the beginning of Holy Week, the Revd
Alan Franks writes:
As I sit
here typing this, I am looking at a Christmas cactus on my study desk – a gift
to my wife Usha from a parishioner. You could call it a peace offering, in
fact: an attempt to apologise for some ill-chosen words. But if you knew my
wife, you’d know she isn’t easily won over by a mere gesture. Usha had already
suggested several places she would like to put it – all of them highly inappropriate
for a clergy wife!
But I felt the
little plant is a fitting symbol to inspire my Palm Sunday sermon.
Because when
you think about it, isn’t Ambridge a bit like that cactus just now? Everywhere
I go I see people being spiky and defensive, unable to get close because of the
prickly barriers they have put up, causing pain with sharp, barbed words.
As we all
know, Lent is a time for reflection and repentance. So I hope we can all put
our differences about cows with runny noses behind us. And especially, I pray that
the parishioner who upset my wife will do the right thing and allow older ladies
to join the cricket team. Usha freely admits her ball skills may be lacking. But
she has a wealth of life experience!
So let us
all wish each other a peaceful Holy Week, and spare a thought for your
long-suffering vicar on Palm Sunday. It’s never easy sharing the pulpit with
Shula’s incontinent donkey!
STOP PRESS: W.I changes programme
A talk to Ambridge W.I. by Mr Joe Grundy: 'Plague farm: how the Archers of Brookfield spread disease through the ages' has been cancelled following a threat of legal action from Mr David Archer. Instead, Kirsty Miller of Grey Gables will demonstrate the new 'FabFace' beauty range and talk about her experience of existential angst. Refreshments provided.
I'll have to stop reading this blog in public places as I got strange looks when laughing out loud at "Jolene's assets" and Kirsty's "existential angst".
ReplyDeleteBrilliant!
Or you could show them your copy of the Ambridge Observer and make new friends!! Thank you!
Delete"He can’t even code." :D
ReplyDeleteWe're hoping Ben will come and do work experience at the AmOb. Bet he could sort out our social media in minutes.
DeleteIt's Lilian that has the existential angst - torn between two upstanding gentlemen with impeccable credentials!
ReplyDeleteWell indeed. The story has legs!
DeleteLovely sermon, Vicar.
ReplyDeletePriceless stuff. Can I send my corsetry bill to you?
I'm sure it says something in the small print about corsetry claims...or stays of execution, as I believe they were known... thank you!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant post, as always. I loved Ben's diary. "Moon Goddess" is a bit too close to "Moon Cups" for my liking. Eeeew O_O
ReplyDeleteThanks Christina!! Maybe a reader offer on Moon Cups in a future issue not a good idea then?!
DeleteBrilliant! Thank-you
ReplyDeleteThanks very much for commenting Oliver! Much appreciated.
DeleteFabFace, existential angst, and refreshments - fantastic! Where do I sign up?
ReplyDelete