Sunday, 26 March 2017

Usha speaks out, Justin shows his hand and Jill bares all: a mortifying week in Ambridge

New row breaks out at cricket club

After its controversial decision to admit women players to the team, Ambridge Cricket Club found itself embroiled in a new crisis this week.
Ambridge solicitor Usha Franks has threatened to take legal action against the club and captain Harrison Burns, as she claims she has been banned from playing because of her age.
‘I know I am not a great cricketer, but I’m very willing and I tidied up the bats and balls at nets in an exemplary manner,’ she said. ‘But the captain took me on one side and said it might be better if I helped Fallon make the teas!
‘When I pointed out that, unlike Molly Button, I hadn’t thrown a bat at Chris Carter’s head or bitten my way out of the nets, he had the nerve to say I didn’t have the same ‘potential’. Well, we all know that’s everyday ageism code for ‘too old’. I have taken legal advice from myself and have decided I have a strong case. Ambridge Cricket Club will regret crossing me!’
Contacted by the Ambridge Observer, Mr Burns was defiant. ‘This team is all about winning, not just turning up and being charming to each other,’ he said. ‘Usha is a lovely lady but she has shown absolutely no aptitude with bat or ball in two sessions of nets. The fact that she is well past her sell-by date is neither here or there.’
Mr Burns added that, as Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit, he was looking forward to giving evidence to himself if the case comes to court.

We did nothing wrong, say hunt bosses

The masters of the South Borsetshire Hunt have defended themselves against charges of negligence after a section of the kennels roof collapsed this week, injuring several hounds and causing £8,000 worth of damage.
‘We strongly reject any suggestion that we have let the hunt premises go to rack and ruin while we were off spending the hunt subscriptions on port,’ said joint master Perry Diamond-Stockpin.
‘The fact is, we took excellent precautions by appointing Shula Hebden Lloyd as joint master. We knew she would be so flattered that she’d forget to do any due diligence, and too embarrassed not to stump up for the whole lot if we just sloped off and left her to it.’

Coffee break with… Leroy Brown

In our occasional series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with Leroy Brown, the exercise instructor who’s making a big splash at Grey Gables.

Q Do you work full-time at Grey Gables?
A Oh no babes, I go anywhere the ladies need a bit of Leroy in their lives – Borchester, Felpersham, Redditch. One client follows me all the way to Solihull for my legs, bums and tums.

Q Why do you think your Aquafit class is so successful?
A You gotta have three things babes – the music, the moves and the magic! And if you’re ripped like me, well the ladies love a bit of eye candy, know what I mean? One of my personal training clients, Mandy Beesborough, says I remind her of a young Brian Aldridge. Don’t know him; was he in a boy band?

Q Does anything amusing ever happen at your classes?
A Well, I always make it fun babes.  But at Aquafit this week we had a giggle – one lady was wearing this ancient swimsuit that went completely see-through when it got wet. Game old bird: must have been 80 if she was a day. You should have heard her. ‘Carol! Help! Fetch me a towel!’ We all got an eyeful. Still, it’s all in a day’s work for Leroy, know what I mean babes?

Q Are you planning to introduce any new classes at Grey Gables?
A Yeah, I reckon boxercise could go down well. From what I’ve seen from the fight for the free smoothies after class, some of these Ambridge ladies are quite handy with their fists already, know what I’m saying?     

Business news exclusive: Borchester Land board weigh up Ramsbury deal

The future of the broiler unit in Ramsbury, with 20 jobs at stake, hangs in the balance this week as the directors of Borchester Land meet to finalise their bid. The Ambridge Observer has been given an early sight of the agenda, drawn up by Damara chairman Justin Elliott:
1.     Apologies:
How should Justin apologise to Lilian?
2.     Declarations of interest:
Justin is definitely still interested in marrying her.
3.     Proposal:
After the disaster in The Bull, when and where should Justin next pop the question?
4.     Financial position:
However much Justin’s divorce costs, Lilian is worth it.
5.     Investor relations:
Justin wishes to resume these with Lilian as soon as possible.
6.     Evaluation of assets:
Ooh yes, Lilian is a fine figure of a woman.
(Are you sure? That’s enough agenda. Ed).

Treat your mum this Mother’s Day!

Every mum deserves to be pampered, so why not whisk her away to one of Ambridge’s rural retreats for a very special Mother’s Day weekend?

Spiritual Home (Home Farm)
Relax in your own luxury yurt, enjoy a delicious vegan menu and treat yourself to hot stone massages, Reiki sessions and mother-daughter primal scream therapy (led by expert Kate Madikane, assisted by Jennifer Aldridge).   
Ambridge Hall
Enjoy our beautiful gardens, home-grown vegetables, five-star breakfast buffet (What’s On in Borsetshire, 2016), plus complimentary neck-and-shoulder massages from an experienced therapist in your own feng shui-friendly en-suite bedroom.  Bookings: Lynda Snell.
Grange Farm
Experience the full country experience, as recommended by Big Eric, Fat Paul, Baggy, Snatch and many other satisfied customers. Farmhouse breakfasts, new toilet rolls for every guest, and a free massage from Clarrie Grundy*, who’s good at churning yogurt so can sort your knotted-up back muscles out a treat.
*To be confirmed once Eddie can talk her into it.

Your week in the stars

Our resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals what fate has in store as the vernal equinox turns our thoughts to summer:

Money is in your charts this week, and Pisceans looking for a loan from the older generation will have an anxious wait. Pisceans may also learn the hard way that love and money do not mix, as an alcohol-based business venture proves frustratingly slow to provide a return.
An ex will come bouncing back into your life this week, full of ideas about fermented foods, but friendship rather than romance is forecast as Taureans who have suffered a recent trauma are not ready for love. A hospital appointment will bring news that profoundly affects your future.
Yet again, Cancerians feel let down by family members who promise to consult you on important business decisions and then ignore you. Try to be happy for a relative who has sold her first drone technology package, even though she has sold it to your stepfather and you disagree with the purchase. You may have to pick up the pieces if it breaks down.
Even super-qualified Sagittarians cannot be in two places at once, and will find themselves torn between family and professional commitments this week. Take care that a new business venture doesn’t suffer too much, especially if you have persuaded your partner to invest hundreds of thousands of pounds in new kit but as yet haven’t got any new clients. Sleepless nights may be in store!  


  1. Priceless. A stonking edition. I am a bit worried about the roving reporter, s/he must be worn out, what a busy week

  2. Oh, don't worry Dougie, she keeps going on Jill's leftover flapjacks and pints of Shires! Thank you - really glad you enjoyed it!

  3. Could I have the free massage from Clarrie without having to stay at Grange Farm?