Stop press: Ambridge laureate salutes the Royal birth
Many thanks to Bert
Fry, who sums up the feelings of all our readers (except Jim Lloyd) at the
delightful news from Kensington Palace.
Ode to a newborn
Princess
And so this is a happy
day,
All in the sunny month
of May
A baby princess now is
here
To fill us all with
pride and cheer.
Her mother Kate and
father Wills
Will be feeling joy
and thrills
As they take their new
baby home,
So I thought I would
pen this poem
To mark her arrival
into the world,
Her little toes and
fingers curled.
And so from Ambridge’s
subjects loyal
It’s welcome to our
newest Royal!
Lynda shakes her
bucket in style
Thanks to the sterling
efforts of local volunteers, Ambridge will crown a new May Queen (probably
Molly Button) on Bank Holiday Monday, amid scenes of wild celebrations and
unbridled revelry (steady on. Ed).
‘Occasions like this are the stuff of life,’ said Lynda Snell, who personally
rescued the missing Maypole from Ginny Throckmorton’s double garage and
restored it to glory with new ribbons and several coats of Sunburnt Stone
emulsion. ‘They offer a sense of community, purpose and delight!’
Visitors will enjoy a
barbecue and tea tent, provided by The Bull; Morris dancing, and a special
appearance by Jennifer Aldridge, the internet legend known as the Boudicca of
Borsetshire for her fierce defence of the local environment.
‘Can I just add that
SAVE is a community-wide campaign, not an opportunity for people to bask in
their own glory?’ said Mrs Snell. ‘I have disinfected the collecting buckets
and I personally will be shaking one vigorously. Generals may lead, but battles
are won by foot soldiers.’
Well done Lynda: more
power to your bucket!
A culvert conundrum for David
A representative of
the Environment Agency will be at the Bank Holiday event, and David, with his
Flood Action Group hat on, wants to bend her ear. He’s puzzled about two
culverts on Estate land, one of which was mysteriously cleared of builders’
debris after the flood. ‘Normally, during the flood, the culvert would have
delivered huge quantities of water to the stream above Berrow Farm, and if the
stream hadn’t been able to carry the water fast enough, it would have spilled
over straight into the cows’ cubicles,’ he explained to Ruth, who was
bad-temperedly slapping cutlery down on the table.
So was there some
skulduggery to save the mega-dairy and divert the floodwater into the village?
And has the evidence now been whisked away? And has Ed already broken his NDA
with Charlie by mentioning it to David? And if so what does that mean for Ed? (enough silly questions. Ed. As in editor.
Not Ed Grundy).
Ed and Emma’s wedding day draws near…
Meanwhile, the wedding
of Ed Grundy and Emma… um, Grundy will be a proper village affair, mainly
because the village has been asked to supply the food. (‘It’s so easy, and
saves a stash of cash,’ said Susan.) Guests will be feasting on Kathy’s Coronation
chicken, Caroline’s salads, Christine’s scones, Pat’s potato pie and Nic’s
lasagne. Kate is offering aubergine and tofu with cashew nuts: ‘I expect she
can have that to herself,’ sniffed Susan.
However, both Jennifer
and Lynda have offered a dressed salmon, where only one is needed. Susan
prefers Jennifer’s, because she’s family (and a better cook) but is too scared
to confront Lynda and has insisted Fallon break the news. Will the centrepiece
go the way of the infamous dressed salmon at Rob and Jess’s party? It might
take all of Fallon’s diplomatic skills to prevent it…
Meanwhile, the happy
couple can look forward to something special from Tony and Peggy, who are
celebrating their new-found closeness by clubbing together on a gift.
And even Ed’s money
troubles may be easing, thanks to young guns Rex and Toby Fairbrother, who just
happen to be looking for 50 acres of level ground in Ambridge to start a
turkey-farming business (celebration
poultry. Ed) Ed hopes the Estate might agree to pass his tenancy over to
the new arrivals, which means he could earn money for his hedge-cutting instead
of just paying off his debts.
Only Clarrie is
getting the rough end of the stick as usual; all her posh frocks went mouldy
after the flood so she has nothing to wear for the big day. ‘It’s high time she
had a bit of TLC,’ agreed Fallon and Susan. ‘Clarrie Grundy SHALL go to the
ball!’ Will they be raiding Sabrina Thwaite’s charity dressing-up box? Time
will tell…
… and Helen will be catching the bouquet
With all the delight
of a lemming heading for the cliffs, Helen accepted Rob’s proposal this week,
now it’s clear Rob is not the father of Jess’s child. (Still beats me how he got away with it. Ed). ‘Very soon I’m going
to make you Mrs Rob Titchener,’ he purred. ‘Oh Rob, after so long I can hardly
believe it,’ she simpered.
But Helen hadn’t heard
his phone calls with the hapless Jess, in which he twisted the verbal knife in
his soon-to-be-ex. ‘Why do you have to be so hurtful?’ she cried. ‘I so wanted
Ethan to be yours. And we were together that night. You said you loved me. I’ll
tell Helen.’
‘No one will believe
the rantings of a mad woman,’ said Rob. ‘That night was a one-off and as
science has proved, whatshisname has nothing to do with me. Now don’t call this
phone again. My solicitor will be in touch about the divorce.’
And with that, Rob
sent Helen, his ‘delightfully ditzy’ fiancĂ©e, upstairs to put on a beautiful
dress ready to go out for dinner….
Students hear the secrets of locals’ success
Felpersham University
hosted its popular Careers Fair this week, and this year, invited some local
people in to give students the benefit of their experience. Here are some
highlights from their presentations:
• Joe Grundy (livestock
farming): ‘Farming’s not an easy game; there are no days off, long hours and
you’re at the mercy of the weather. The land will grind you down, you mark my
words, my lad. But if you work hard, and you can cope with the darkness this
life brings, you’ll come out a man.’
• Kate Aldridge (wedding
planning): ‘There are worse jobs, I suppose, but honestly, clients can be so
stupid, refusing to have gluten-free cakes or eco-friendly napkins. And it’s
all a waste of time; couples go through this whole ludicrous charade, then the
rose-tinted glasses come off and soon they’re treating each other with utter
contempt, and the physical side has fizzled out long before…’
• Charlie Thomas (large
livestock units): ‘I reckon young uppity graduates, especially those who crash
other people’s dates, should go and explore worldwide opportunities to gain
farming experience. Mexico, for instance. Or Mongolia. Look at Pip Archer.
She’s an inspiration to you all.’
• Eddie Grundy (turkey
farming): ‘You’ll find there’s no call for Yuletide turkeys round here. And
people don’t want them fancy geese or ducks neither – too much choice can drive
a man mad. No, don’t get your hopes up, you try farming celebration poultry
anywhere near Ambridge and you’ll find yourself crushed by Grundy turkeys like
David was by Goliath.’
• Adam Macy (arable
farming): ‘Growing crops is a rewarding career, as long as you can avoid the
rapacious scorched-earth methods of modern agribusiness and turn your fields
into traditional herbal leys, without your grumpy old step-dad moaning on about
the cost and the waste of wheat.’
• Kenton Archer
(publican): ‘My only piece of careers advice would be, make sure your
double-crossing brother doesn’t betray you by making you spend all your money
on a holiday and then pulling the rug out from under you, so you’re left with
no cash to pay the phone bill and have to rely on your step-daughter’s
home-made bunting and bloody Morris dancers to get you out of the mire. I say,
is there a fee for this?’
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