Holiday talk on tick
Holidays were in the air in Ambridge this
week. We learned from Brian that Lilian is off in Madeira, putting the fun in
Funchal, but has left Matt moping in the Dower House. Adam and Ian are in
Miami, while Charlie treated himself to three whole days at the Oxford Farming
Conference. ‘Charlie and Adam may have fallen out professionally, but there’s
no personal animosity,’ observed Jenny in one of the understatements of 2015 so
far.
But the most exciting holiday plans are at
the Bull, where Kenton is about to whisk Jolene away on a business-class trip
to New Zealand and Australia. Not surprisingly, having just seen Nathan Booth
hitching up his trousers, and Sabrina Thwaite clearing up after her
labradoodle, Jolene is keen on a change of scene. ‘You gorgeous man!’ she
purred at Kenton, who is funding all this luxury with his credit card, thinking
to pay it back when the Brookfield millions come in…
But will slurry worries sink the sale?
David, Ruth and Pip had an entertaining
trip to Franchester (no, never heard of it before either) to see a robotic
milking parlour, courtesy of Pip’s college friend Fran. David was skeptical,
but nearly swooned when Fran revealed that the automated system increased yield
by 12% and reduced mastitis by 50%. ‘Don’t the cows miss the human touch?’ he
asked wistfully. But it turns out that the ladies prefer laser-guided teat
location to Eddie Grundy’s horny-handed ministrations. Funny that.
All was not so rosy back at Brookfield
though, where slurry at Hadley Haugh is causing a stink. It turns out that Ros
and Steve (the vendors) had kept quiet about a storage problem that is going to
cost David and Ruth £140,000 to fix. This especially upset David because it
brought back memories of the marauding badgers that sabotaged the Archers’ own
slurry tank. ‘Flipping badgers!’ he cursed, which seems a bit unfair on new
Pip, played by Daisy Badger.
Ruth though is more concerned about the
cash: ‘We’re starting to leak money left right and centre. How much more is
going to drain away before we can move north?’
Freda’s surfeit of Pontefract cakes
1967: Freda's home perm kit went badly wrong |
But it could yet get worse for the Frys:
Kenton is planning a new chef for the Bull as part of a Brookfield-funded
makeover. Faced with eviction from her home, the sack from her job, and a
future as Bert’s amanuensis, while he composes his lengthy poem cycle, A Borsetshire
Boy, poor Freda is caught between a rock and a hard place. But this week, thanks to all those Pontefract
cakes, she was just caught short.
Roll out the vegan Barolo
Phoebe’s week didn’t start well, when Pip
returned the embarrassing hat she’d been trying so hard to lose since New
Year’s Eve. It got worse when Kate tried to teach her and Pip how to meditate,
and threatened to tie Phoebe’s hair in cornrows.
But the final straw was a cosy lunch at
Botticelli’s, involving Kate, a bottle of vegan Barolo, a lot of self-pity and
Phoebe as an afterthought.
‘Phoebe, you’ll be hurt all your life if
you don’t realise that men can be fun, fascinating and exciting, but also a
source of negative energy,’ Kate slurred. ‘Now I’ll just have one more glass
while we talk this through…. (slurp). Your father has good points, but he has a
very unbalanshed schpiritual core…’
This was too much even for Phoebe, who is
beginning to look more kindly on Roy now that Kate is the alternative parenting
option. ‘Give me your car keys mum, I’ve called a taxi to take you home,’ she
calmly told a protesting but hapless Kate, whose daily intention seemed to
change from ‘Be here now’, to ‘Be off my head by teatime’.
Little shop of organic horrors
Showing just a hint of the sensible businessperson
she used to be, Helen took a look at the Ambridge Organics books this week –
and got a shock. Christmas sales and profits were well down. What had gone
wrong? Tina the manager blamed the Jetstream, lack of clear instructions,
incompetence at Bridge Farm and Kelvin the sickly casual. She also hinted that
she’d been encouraged to ‘take risks’ with the ordering, which Helen didn’t
remember saying.
Helen foolishly told Tom about her worries,
which brought out the Tetchy in Titchener. He put the blame on ‘time bombs Kirsty left
in the order books’ and tried to put Helen off from getting more hands-on in
the shop. ‘If you think Tina will work better being hovered over, it’s up to
you, darling,’ he said, before going upstairs to do his scary troll voice for
Henry.
Helen then gave Johnny a rocket for sending
too much rocket – well, pak choi and mizuna – to the shop. ‘You sent eight
trays, not three,’ she chastised the poor boy, whose self-esteem is already in
a tailspin, thanks to his exam failures. But could someone have changed the 3
to an 8? And given Tina the wrong instructions? Surely no one would want to
sabotage the shop business so Helen can’t work there, would they? Rob?
Tony takes a turn for the better
It was Pat’s birthday this week, and she
received ‘the only present I ever wanted’ – the sight of Tony sitting up in an
armchair in hospital, taking a lively interest in all matters Ambridge. Not
only that – the old charmer had managed to persuade a lovely Irish nurse to
stop saving lives for half an hour and go and buy Pat her favourite perfume.
‘Before the surgery, I remember you telling me not to leave you … and I always
do what the boss says’. Not a dry eye on the ward – but who will be the one who
dares to tell Tony what’s happened to Otto?
Baby bombshell at Blossom Hill Cottage
Rob began the week continuing his creepy
campaign to get Helen to conceive again. ‘Poor old Henry seems so alone,’ he
wheedled on a freezing country walk (Henry, meanwhile, was perfectly happy
strangling Squiggle the squirrel, his new best friend.)
But Rob's plan for Tiny Titchener no 2 was
soon derailed by the arrival of a letter from the Child Maintenance Service, in
which Mrs Jess Titchener names Mr Rob Titchener as the father of Tiny Titchener
no 1 and claims financial support accordingly.
‘Bitch!’ Rob nearly spat out his Shiraz. ‘I
never thought she’d stoop as low as this!’
‘But Rob…’ wailed Helen. ‘It’s not your
baby… this must be a mistake! Rob?’
The Ambridge Observer predicts that
Henry will not be the only one to hear Rob’s scary troll voice in the next week
or so…
Wonderful , Again !!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Neil - again! Very kind. It's great fun to write.
ReplyDeleteThe Ambridge Observer: a good quick and very funny read. And all for free.
ReplyDeleteThank you Pauline - much appreciated!
ReplyDelete