Pig unit news, awards hopefuls and Jill’s helpful recipe … an intriguing week in Ambridge

Stakes are high for Food Awards hopefuls

Three local businesses are celebrating after being shortlisted in this year’s prestigious Borsetshire Food & Drink Awards, sponsored by Damara Capital.

The Bridge Farm Tea Room has been nominated in two categories: Best Use of Local Produce and Best Café.

‘Fallon and I are thrilled to bits,’ said Emma Grundy. ‘Sometimes, late at night in the chicken factory, I dream of winning the award so Ed and I will stand a chance of getting one of them affordable homes that Justin Elliott’s building. If he’s sponsoring the award that’s bound to help, isn’t it?’

Up against Bridge Farm Tea Room for the Best Use of Local Produce award is The Bull in Ambridge, which has also been shortlisted for Dining Pub of the Year.

‘Winning this award would mean a lot to us,’ said landlord Kenton Archer. ‘If we’re packed out every day, my brother David won’t be able to swan in for a free meal whenever he pleases. I’ll be happy if I never have to see him stuffing sourdough into his smirking chops ever again.’

Artisan Cheesemaker of the Year, Helen Archer of Bridge Farm, is shortlisted again and said she is looking forward to defending her title. ‘It will make a change from defending myself against attempted murder charges, as I was this time last year,’ she said. ‘And if my brother Tom thinks he’s going to muscle in on my stall with a display of his stinky sauerkraut he’s got another think coming.’

Justin Elliott, chairman of Damara Capital, said he was ‘delighted’ to be sponsoring the awards again. ‘Of course, as a sponsor I am strictly hands-off and have to be scrupulously impartial,’ he said. ‘Any suggestion that Bridge Farm might win because I want my future in-laws to stop hating me will be referred to my lawyers.’

Pig unit gets the nod

Justin Elliott’s plans to build an intensive pig unit at Berrow Farm took a step nearer fruition this week as Ambridge Parish Council made no objection to the application. ‘A number of Councillors, including myself, abstained as they have personal or professional connections with Mr Elliott,’ said Council chairman Neil Carter. ‘And Derek Fletcher had actually nodded off, but when we nudged him he snored so we recorded that as a vote in favour.’

Mr Elliott said he was ‘pleased, but not complacent’ with the verdict. ‘We still have to clear all kinds of environmental and regulatory hurdles, but I am quietly confident,’ he said. ‘We have some strong arguments to put to the District Council. For example, we will be using a lot of leftovers to feed the pigs, so there will be no need for restaurants and supermarkets to send their unsold food to unhygienic little ventures like the Happy Friends Café in Felpersham, which everyone knows would be a much better investment as an estate agent’s.’  

Sports news exclusive: Grundy in ‘secret Paxley talks’

Ambridge stalwart Will Grundy has discussed defecting to rivals Paxley over the issue of women cricketers, the Ambridge Observer can reveal.  Our source Rex Fairbrother, who prefers to remain anonymous, said: ‘I had that vice-captain of Paxley in the back of my cab last week, and he said he and Will had talked about it over a beer. But he thought Will wouldn’t fit in too well with the Paxley team. They’re all fully in touch with their feminine sides and some of them are vegans.’

Mr Grundy told our reporter he had no comment to make on the story. ‘I never   said anything about women cricketers,’ he said. ‘All I said was, cricketers who aren’t men should never be allowed to play for Ambridge. That’s quite different.’

Recipe of the week: Honey flapjacks

Thank you to Jill Archer and Kirsty Miller for sending us this recipe, which is proving very popular with volunteers and customers at the Happy Friends pop-up café in Felpersham. ‘It’s food for everyone, so you just pay what you can afford,’ said Ms Miller. ‘We got an average of 0.5p each for these, which was great. But the café is under threat from evil developers (probably Justin Elliott) who want to turn it into an estate agent’s or a phone shop or something really evil. Anyway, if your readers wanted to make these and have a bake-sale to raise funds to save the café, that would be wonderful.  Jonah, who runs it and is so good with the homeless, would really appreciate it.’ 

1 kg of stale breadcrumbs

instead of oats; it makes them soggy but it’s wicked to waste bread when so many people are starving

100g fresh honey 

did you know that if we don’t do more to save honey bees, the entire planet will self-destruct?

250g sultanas

Christine Barford donated these; she was going to put them in scones so they would have been thrown away anyway

250g butter

 a product of the evil agro-industrial axis that is ruining habitats worldwide, but OK if past its sell-by date

250g tinned pineapple

not ideal, but when you’re relying on donations you have to improvise

Put all the ingredients in a bowl and keep stirring with a big wooden spoon until you’ve got a thick, stodgy mixture. Pour into a tin, cook until half-baked, and ladle on some syrup.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

I just wanted to say that despite what you might have read in the Borchester Echo, me and Eddie are not running ‘the premier staycation destination in Borsetshire’ at Grange Farm.  We don’t offer Eggs Benedict three ways or a real alternative to old-fashioned B & B places or anything like that.  We do sometimes  have people to stay (but not in the summer holidays because of upsetting George and little Keira) but we don’t have a constant stream of paying guests and Eddie never meant to say we did. It was that reporter Min got him all confused. Anyway, the thing is, if Oliver and Caroline find out we’re running their home as a guest house they might not like it, so could you put the record straight please?

Yours sincerely,

Clarrie Grundy.

PS Has anyone got a recipe for Eggs Benedict three ways?

With pleasure Mrs Grundy! Always happy to expose the shoddy reporting of our second-rate Borchester rival. Ed.

Freddie’s new job, Jill’s new hobby and Lilian’s old flame… thrills and spills in Ambridge

Brexit? It's alright, said Fred…

Borsetshire fruit farmers needn’t worry about Brexit making it harder to recruit seasonal workers, according to Borchester College student Freddie Pargetter.

‘Fruit picking is a fantastic job and I’m going to tell all my pals to sign up,’ he said. ‘I’ve done it for a whole day now and I’ve already been invited to a drinks party, met a cool girl called Sonja and saw a brilliant punch-up where the lads from Manorfield Close set fire to a chair and this huge guy, Mouse, laid one of them out, though I’m supposed to say that was in self-defence.’

Mr Pargetter, whose mother Elizabeth owns the Lower Loxley estate, said he was ‘perfectly satisfied’ with the working conditions and pay for seasonal workers. ‘In the holidays I’ll be earning £20 a day, which adds up to £200 for a six-day week, which I reckon is pretty good,’ he said. ‘I’d work at Home Farm full-time if I could, but boring old mother says I’ve got to go back to college and resit my maths GCSE.’

… Tom shows Eurocrats the art of the deal

In other Brexit news, a young Ambridge entrepreneur received a surprise call-up from the UK’s negotiating team in Brussels this week. ‘The offer came out of the blue, but apparently a contact of mine called Matt Crawford had recommended me,’ said Tom Archer of Bridge Farm. ‘He’d told his friends in Whitehall what a great negotiator I was, and they called me in.’

Mr Archer has a track record of working with local power brokers like Brian Aldridge and Justin Elliott, chairman of Damara Capital. ‘Justin Elliott offered £1 million for 3.5 acres of our land, but I managed to beat him down to £850,000 all on my own,’ he said. ‘It’s that kind of experience the UK will need when securing a great deal for British farmers.’

Mr Crawford confirmed that he had suggested Mr Archer and wished him well in his new role. ‘I’m sure Tom will help do some great international trade deals for Brits like me, whose business interests are mainly in Costa Rica,’ he said.

Charity accused of ‘bullying’ shoppers

Trading standards officers in Felpersham are investigating Borsetshire Wildlife Trust (BWT) over allegations that staff at a street stall harassed shoppers last Friday. ‘It was awful,’ said one witness. ‘My little boy was quietly eating his takeaway Happy Meal, when this old lady leapt out and accused him of destroying the planet by eating fast food. Poor little Ryan was in floods of tears, and then this little boy – Henry – pinched him and said he was naughty for not liking fresh fruit like aunty Kirsty. We went straight round to the police station. They should be locked up.’

Kirsty Miller, spokesperson for the BWT, said she was sorry if anyone had been offended. ‘We accept our new volunteer, Mrs Jill Archer, was a little over-enthusiastic,’ she said. ‘But she has more than 50 years’ experience of bee-keeping and does feel passionately about it. And of course she is a trained domestic appliance demonstrator, so is no stranger to the hard sell.’

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: When Rex met Anisha

Enjoy this light-hearted romcom starring a well-meaning but ineffectual taxi driver and a feisty, Glaswegian vet, whose unlikely romance takes them from cricket nets to a really awful Chinese restaurant, with plenty of amusing cat-related banter and tales of rugby club pie-eating contests along the way. Will they or won’t they get together? Who cares! 

SUMMER FICTION SPECIAL: The Trials of… Lilian Bellamy

In the latest chapter of our sizzling romantic saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine fears the past will return to ruin her future happiness…

Lilian stepped out of the cool portico of Arkwright Hall into bright sunshine, fanning herself with her souvenir tea towel. She had enjoyed Lewis’s talk about panelling, but all thoughts of carved lambs tongue mouldings with floral spandrels – perfect for the cloakroom at the Dower House – vanished as soon as she saw Lynda Snell. Oh, why did life have to be so difficult? Only a few weeks ago, she was an ecstatically happy bride-to-be. Now, she had been unforgivably rude to Lynda, dear James’s marriage to that tiresome Leonie was in trouble, and – most annoying of all – Matt was still strutting around, grinning as if he’d struck oil in Penny Hassett… ‘Lilian – darling, what’s wrong?’ Justin took her arm in that slightly proprietorial way he had. ‘Come along – you can apologise to Lynda tomorrow. Dinner at Grey Gables?’

‘Oh Justin, that sounds nice. But what if we bump into Matt?’ Suddenly, her fiancé’s eyes took on the steely glare that was feared in boardrooms from Dallas to Dubai. ‘A most unimpressive man. You’re with me now Lilian.’      

‘Of course, darling.’ She stroked his bespoke linen sleeve. But as they walked to the car, Lilian shivered as a sudden chill breeze whipped up the trees, which seemed to whisper: pusscat…

*

‘How dare he! Cocky young whippersnapper!’ Justin strode about the drawing room, nearly tripping over the books of soft furnishing samples. ‘We had a deal – until they got greedy, these…’ He stopped short, as if suddenly remembering he was talking about Lilian’s family. ‘Sit down, darling – have some Pimm’s!’ Lilian expertly mixed a large glass, topped up with the emergency extra shot of gin she kept in her bra, and handed it to her agitated lover. ‘But who is this other developer who’s offered Tom so much more?’ Justin shook his head, but she knew the answer, even if he didn’t. Only one man would go out of his way to thwart Justin, and use her hapless brother Tony and his family to do it. Excusing herself to fetch more ice, Lilian leant against the kitchen door, her mind racing faster than one of Matt’s nags. Would he never let her go? And – as she bashed ice cubes out of Justin’s amusing bottom-shaped trays – in her heart of hearts, did she want him to?

*

Lilian sighed happily as she buckled up Amir’s gleaming bridle. The beautiful Arab snorted softly, reminding her of Justin when they… ‘Hello pusscat!’ She span round to face Matt’s dazzling grin. ‘Gorgeous creature,’ he said. ‘And the horse isn’t bad either…’ She ignored his broad wink. ‘Get out of my way, Matt. I’ve nothing to say to you.’ ‘Don’t worry, I’m going. Just here to see Anisha about my multi-million pound bloodstock venture…’ He sauntered off, whistling ‘Big spender’ as Lilian saddled up, her mood ruined…

*

‘Wha…. Where am I?’ ‘Sssh, Lilian. Don’t move. You’re in shock.’ Matt! What was he doing here? What had happened? Suddenly, like the crack of pain across her head, the memory returned: Matt had appeared again while she was out on her ride, she’d accused him of cheating Tom, he’d infuriated her, she’d galloped off – and now here she was in a ditch, covered in dirt, and Amir… ‘Oh, no!’ She tried to struggle to her feet but Matt gently held her back. ‘Amir’s grazing down the lane. Don’t worry.’ As he bent over, dabbing at her head with his large, checkered handkerchief, she breathed in that familiar, heady scent of cigar and cedar cologne. ‘I thought you were a goner for a minute,’ he said, and suddenly he looked pale beneath his Costa Rican tan. ‘Oh, pusscat, you know there’s still something there…’ He tried to gather her in his arms and, fighting her dizziness, Lilian leapt to her feet. ‘No, there is nothing and there never will be. Leave me alone Matt, just leave me alone!’ And with that she limped off down the lane, wondering what she would say to Justin…  

To be continued   

Open house at Brookfield, a row at Ambridge Hall and big plans at Bridge Farm – an emotional week in Ambridge

Farm visitors treated to a warm welcome
 

Hundreds of families flocked to Ambridge last weekend as farms threw open their barn doors for Open Farm Sunday.

‘It was a very successful day,’ said Pip Archer of Brookfield. ‘I was worried people wouldn’t come, because of the outbreak of IBR, a really nasty, infectious cattle disease that we had. But funnily enough, people didn’t know about it until I reminded them! Even when I went on about how awful it was, with calves dying and everything, it didn’t seem to put them off Gran’s chocolate sponge.

‘It’s great that people know Brookfield for our milk, lamb and beef, and not as the “farm of plague and pestilence”, said Miss Archer. 'I bet they went home, forgot about the hideous, contagious disease they’d just been exposed to, and increased their orders for Brookfield beef. No wonder Dad says I’m a marketing genius.’

But not everyone was happy that Brookfield had decided to take part in the event. ‘They’ve got a nerve after all the trouble they caused with the IBR,’ said Tom Archer of Bridge Farm. ‘And they’ve got my dad’s classic Fordson tractor, which is worse. Everyone knows the kids love to climb up on an old relic. That’s why we usually invite Joe Grundy over to tell his tales of old Borsetshire.

‘As it was, there was nothing to distract the visitors from my sister Helen. Her friend Kirsty had made a sign for her, which read ‘Yes, I’m Helen Archer who stabbed her husband. No, you can’t have a selfie. Get over yourself and taste my  cheese.’ But it only seemed to make people more determined to ask her about the trial. And no one was interested in my fermented foods at all. Although someone did ask me if Kale Kimchi was that bloke out of EastEnders.’

Your week in the stars

What does fate hold in store for our readers? Our resident astrologer Janet Planet is back with all the answers…

Aries

Being as stubborn as a ram is unhelpful if you are having relationship problems, but lucky Arians may find the path back to true love runs a little smoother with the aid of a friendly benefactor – for example a millionaire step-father to be, who is willing to hand over a hefty chunk of change to get you out of his hair and his bathroom.

Virgo

Virgoans with a head for business will find everything is going swimmingly this week – but be wary of springing unwelcome surprises on your family.  Tell your father that you have gone behind his back to cancel your university place, and you may find that Uranus goes retrograde very quickly indeed.

Libra

They say that eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves, but if challenged about spreading a rumour, fair-minded Librans know they are only passing on essential information for the good of the village. And there is always a silver lining to any cloud, especially if by inadvertently overhearing someone’s private conversation, you can make sure your daughter’s family is first in the queue for a starter home in the new development you are not supposed to know about.

Sagittarius*

This ‘summer of love’ has already proved to be a turning point for hot-headed young Sagittarians, who will be itching to break free from ‘normcore’ activities and to make their fortune. But a word to the wise: if you insist on ending your education at 16, you may still find you need more on your CV than a working knowledge of Call of Duty and a pus-filled eyebrow piercing.

*If you are the twin sister of a hot-headed young Sagittarian, your week will be completely different even though your birthdays are exactly the same.  Such are the mysteries of astrology.

Prize word-puzzle: results in full

The Ambridge Observer has taken the unusual step of publishing the solution to this week’s prize word-puzzle early, as many readers told us it had them completely stumped.  ‘I apologise to readers,’ said puzzle compiler Prof Jim Lloyd. ‘There has been an extraordinary outbreak of recherché vocabulary in Ambridge this week and I could not resist making use of it in my puzzle. But if   readers missed Lynda Snell’s 70th birthday party, the subsequent argument between Mrs Snell and Lilian Bellamy, or indeed the return of Freddie Pargetter from the Isle of Wight Festival, they would have been at a loss.’

Across

2 Leonie’s view of James (with 4 down)

5 Lilian’s view of Leonie

6 Rejected by Leonie?

8 James’ view of Leonie

11 Lynda’s view of James

12 Lilian’s view of Leonie’s emotional state

Down

1 Lynda’s view of James

3 The row between James and Leonie

4 James’ view of Leonie (with 2 across)

7 Lilian’s view of Leonie

9 What Freddie had on the Isle of Wight (1)

10 What Freddie had on the Isle of Wight (2)

The Bridge Farm Artisan Foods Experience:special earlybird offer!

Bridge Farm has big plans to build a state-of-the-art, eco, retro, timber-framed Learning and Experience Centre to demonstrate our passion for artisan foods at premium prices – none of that processed supermarket muck.

And this is your chance to be one of the first to experience the experience for yourself!

A voucher to spend the day in our light, airy, eco, retro (yes, get on with it. Ed) is a wonderful treat for yourself – or a thoughtful gift for a loved one. The fully immersive artisan experience at Bridge Farm includes:

• Welcome, valet parking and directions to the toilets (Kirsty Miller)

• Workshop One: ‘There’s more to it than pickling, you know.’ How fermented foods will save the planet (Tom Archer)

• Workshop Two: ‘That’s the whey!’ Make your own organic paneer (Helen Archer)

• Lunch: Soup, sandwich and an informal chat about yogurt with Emeritus Professor of Dairy, Pat Archer

• Afternoon walk: a guided tour of Home Farm’s herbal leys and an earnest lecture on bio-diversity (Kirsty Miller).

• Workshop Three: ‘A flair for retail’: Helen Archer’s farm shop display masterclass, with an opportunity to buy the ingredients for a quinoa-based meal of your choice.

Remember – this experience is not yet available (it depends on selling off 3.5 acres to Justin Elliott to build houses, though some of them will be affordable, honest).

So book now to reserve your place at our first amazing, experience-of-a-lifetime experience!  Only £100 per person (refreshments extra).