Ambridge came under the microscope this
week as a team of academics invaded the village to conduct in-depth surveys,
give demonstrations and even dig archaeological test pits in residents’
gardens.
Led by Cara Courage, PhD student at
Brighton University, Dr Nicola Headlam of Liverpool University and Dr Peter
Matthews of Stirling University, the boffins camped on the village green. ‘They
were generally quite well behaved,’ said local resident Gemma Hawkins, ‘but
they did keep us awake with their cider drinking, wassail songs and
arm-wrestling contests to see who deserved the most enormous research grant.’
The Ambridge
Observer was given exclusive access to the research team (well, not really. They were on telly and
radio all day. Ed). Here’s our round-up of events:
Why we all like it up Lakey Hill
Lakey Hill is set to be become England’s smallest theme park, as ethnographers claim it holds a unique position in rural culture.
‘Lakey Hill is possibly the dullest place in Borsetshire,’ said Prof Lyn Thomas of Sussex University. ‘And yet it holds an almost supernatural fascination for local residents.’
Prof Thomas’s research found that nearly every woman in Ambridge had been taken up Lakey Hill at some point, and for many it represents a reassuring sense of place and home.
‘When you consider the disasters that occur when people travel outside Borsetshire – for example to Cumbria, or to a motorway service station – it is hardly surprising that they prefer to stay close to Lakey Hill,’ said Prof Thomas.
‘Of course, dramatic events do happen in Ambridge, such as someone falling off a roof, or having an emergency C-section, ‘ she added. ‘But generally, Lakey Hill is the backdrop to all the most dull events in the village – lambing, cricket, the fete, Stir-Up Sunday, Bonfire Night and the Christmas lights.
'Unlike most theme parks, Lakey Hill will have no tourist attractions whatsoever. That’s exactly why people will like it.’
Theatre-goers to get Moor this Christmas
After last year’s triumph with Calendar Girls, Ambridge will be staging
a production of Othello this
Christmas.
Shakespearean tragedy is not typical festive
fare, but scholar Abi Pattenden concluded it was the ‘perfect choice’ following
her studies in the village.
‘Othello
is a play about the differences between ‘seeming’ and ‘being’ – deception and
honesty,’ she says. ‘Spending time in the Bridge Farm shop, I’ve observed there
is a perfect Iago –a master of deceit and manipulation – and sadly, a very
convincing Desdemona, the flawed yet innocent wife.
‘Casting the play should be easy and I feel
it would have intense resonance with the village – although hopefully Lynda
Snell can write a happier ending.’
‘This sounds like a very suitable
production,’ said Peggy Woolley of the Women’s Institute. ‘After showing their
assets last year, it would be good to demonstrate our members’ more traditional
skills, like seaming. I always sew mine by hand – much better than the machine,
don’t you find?’
Dispute divides community orchard leaders
The future of the community orchard at
Grange Farm hung in the balance this week as a row broke out between its
founding members.
‘I don’t know how it happened,’ said
Dr Samantha Walton of Bath Spa University. ‘I was just chewing the fat with Joe
Grundy and Jim Lloyd over a pint of cidre nouveau, when I pointed out that
Joe’s approach to the orchard comes from a place of authority, proximity,
memory, reality and knowledge. Whereas Jim views the orchard from a more
classically informed standpoint of romanticism, distance, history, mediated
knowledge and nostalgia.
‘Suddenly it all kicked off. They
practically came to blows over whether proximity or mediated knowledge made
better cider. But fortunately I brought the conversation round to poetry and
there was one thing we could all agree on: John Keats was merely a warm-up act
for the Ambridge Folk Laureate, Bert Fry.’ (Hear,
hear! Ed)
Junior diggers do the dirty
A community archaeological dig involving
Ambridge youngsters had to be abandoned early after artefacts were found to
have been deliberately planted.
Professor Carenza Lewis of Lincoln
University and her colleague Clemency Cooper revealed that a hoard of
high-status Roman Samian ware, dug up in Grange Spinney, had in fact been made
out of Plasticine by Molly and Tilly Button.
‘I can’t believe it,’ said Prof Lewis. ‘We've been organising these Higher Education Field Academies all over the
country and usually find that the teenagers are enthused and inspired. We’ve
never come across such a thorough and devious attempt at sabotage before.’
The fake finds were particularly
disappointing as test pits in other parts of the village had proved
unproductive. ‘All we found was some old bunting, buried in the garden of
Woodbine Cottage,’ said Prof Lewis. ‘I don’t suppose you know who it belongs
to?’
Tomorrow’s Farming World comes to Ambridge
Ambridge’s farmers were treated to a
futuristic vision of labour-saving, safer farm work with a demonstration at Brookfield.
‘Farming exposes workers to a wide range of
musculo-skeletal risk factors, such as twisting, jumping, heavy lifting,
vibration and long working hours,’ said Professor Neil Mansfield of Imperial
College, London. ‘Yet the design of farm machinery has in some ways changed
little since the war.’
Tony Archer, David Archer and farrier Chris
Carter were among those who groaned in agreement when Prof Mansfield pointed
out the dangers of injuries from animals.
But not everyone was convinced of the
merits of cutting-edge technology. ‘I don’t like the look of this driverless
tractor,’ said Ed Grundy. ‘It would put me out of a job – and I’ve not finished
paying for my new one yet! My Em would go mad.’
Adam Macy said he was ‘in two minds’ about
drones that plant trees and crops robotically. ‘I have very happy memories of
drones; my former colleague Charlie Thomas was a fan,’ he said, wiping away a
tear. ‘But if we used drones in the polytunnels, and no longer needed a fit,
young workforce to come over from Eastern Europe – well, I might have some
reservations about that.’
‘I’m no NIMBY’, protests parish councillor
Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall has taken
‘extreme exception’ to research by Dr Peter Matthews of Stirling University, which
concludes she is a ‘middle class warrior’ determined to preserve Ambridge as a
rural idyll.
Dr Matthews pointed out that despite
numerous applications, not a single unit of affordable housing has been built
in Ambridge parish in the past 30 years. ‘People like Lynda use their social
capital, education and persistence to produce outcomes that are not always
beneficial for the community as a whole,’ he said.
‘I am shocked,’ sniffed Mrs Snell. ‘All I
can say is, I’m no NIMBY. My new shepherd’s hut is a perfect example. It’s
housing, and it’s affordable; Robert and I can afford it easily. That Dr
Matthews seemed such a nice young man too. I’m glad I didn’t offer him a glass
of sherry.’
Local GP faces ethics probe
Dr Richard Locke, who recently returned to
live in Ambridge, faces a disciplinary hearing and may be struck off following
a ‘shocking breach of professional boundaries’, according to an expert in
medical ethics.
‘It only took one chat with Susan Carter to
put me in the picture,’ said Professor Deborah Bowman of London University.
‘The rules are absolutely clear; doctors do not date patients, or the families
of patients. But Dr Locke not only had a relationship with the mother of his
patient Daniel Hebden-Lloyd; Shula herself had previously been under his care
for fertility treatment.
‘Of course, boundaries can be harder to
maintain in a rural setting,’ said Prof Bowman. ‘And I understand that Dr Locke
may be under considerable social pressure, as Shula keeps arranging his parties
and lending ponies to his step-daughter.
‘This may provide context, but no excuse.
Even though these events date back some years, I’m afraid I shall be referring
Dr Locke to the Clinic for Boundary Studies for urgent re-education.’
‘Explore your care options’, families told
Three experts were on hand to answer
questions at a well-attended health and social care seminar held at St
Stephen’s: Jo Moriarty of King’s College, London, independent social work
education consultant Helen Burrows and Dr Katherine Runswick-Cole of Manchester
Metropolitan University.
‘I was concerned to hear that Bethany
Tucker, a little girl with Down’s Syndrome, had moved away from Ambridge
because her parents felt she would not get the support she needed,’ said Dr
Runswick-Cole.
‘It seems the family were also subject to
some mundane disablism – comments made at the village shop, for example. It is
a shame that services weren’t more proactive in helping Bethany settle into a
local school, but I still feel this would be preferable to living in Birmingham,’
said Dr Runswick-Cole. 'In fact I have started a campaign, #BringBackBethany,
which I hope will go viral.’
Ruth Archer of Brookfield said she was
‘devastated’ to hear from Jo Moriarty that she could have accessed more support
for her late mother, Heather Pritchard, both in Northumbria and Ambridge.
‘Me poor mam, I’d no idea we could have got
her an alarm system, grab rails and a wet room,’ she said. ‘If we’d done all
that, instead of trying to move the whole farm up north and then putting her in
a care home, she might still be with us.’
‘So much distress could have been avoided,’
agreed Ms Moriarty, ‘especially for Ruth’s mother-in-law Jill, who would never
have had to move her writing desk into a stately home. But sadly, families in
rural areas do have to fight to find out what support is available.’
Speaking in the context of the new law
against controlling and coercive behaviour, social work expert Helen Burrows
said she hoped to raise awareness of domestic abuse. ‘An
over-protective partner may be a concern,’ she said. ‘If, for example, a man
insists on attending all his pregnant wife’s medical appointments, we might
flag that up.
‘But in that case, social workers would
probably face a wall of hostility and may come away thinking that perhaps the
situation is not that bad,’ she said.
Mrs Pat Archer, whose daughter Helen is
expecting her second child, said she found the seminar 'interesting, but not relevant'. ‘It must be
awful for people,’ she said. ‘Imagine that happening in your family. We’re so
lucky Helen has Rob.’
Society’s hot topic for debate
The next meeting of the Ambridge Union will debate the motion: ‘This
house believes that Ambridge society is a microcosm of anti-utilitarian
medievalism.’
The debate will be chaired by Dr Philippa
Byrne of Oxford University, who says: ‘Proposing the motion will be Emma Grundy
and Fallon Rogers, who will explain how their vision for the Ambridge Tea Room exemplifies
the values of the Arts & Crafts movement, with its reverence for preserving
and beautifying the past through craft.
‘Rob
Titchener will speak against the motion. His approach to the design of the Bridge Farm shop and treatment of
staff represent the drive towards modernisation at all cost, together with disdain
for the value of meaningful work.
‘I anticipate a lively debate with informed
comment from the floor,’ says Dr Byrne. ‘I gather Jolene Archer, for one, believes
modern Ambridge reflects Thatcher-era neoliberalism rather than a return to
Victorian values as such.’
Tickets for the debate cost £5, to include
tea or coffee and an Ambridge Tea Room fondant fancy. Proceeds to the Village
Hall appeal.
Villagers hear themselves as others hear
them
An ‘Accent Analysis’ workshop held by Dr
William Barras of Aberdeen University proved extremely popular, with residents
keen to find out more about their vocal foibles.
‘Dr Barras couldn’t explain why my George
sounds all posh, when he’s lived with me and Ed so long,’ said Mrs Emma Grundy.
‘But he did say that my mum Susan is ‘hyper-rhotic’. I asked him if she could
get some ointment for it, but he said it only meant she put a lot more ‘r’ sounds into words than other people do.’
‘Some residents were able to bring
recordings of their voices when they were younger, which was fascinating,’ said
Dr Barras. ‘Mrs Shula Hebden-Lloyd was amazed when I pointed out how far her
vowels had dropped over the years!’
Mrs Pat Archer also said Dr Barras’s
workshop was a delightful surprise. ‘I’d completely forgotten I was Welsh!’ she
said. ‘It was only when we played a tape from 1974 that I remembered, look
you!’
Campaigners fight on as planners ‘move
goalposts’
Campaigners for and against Route B – the
controversial new road that would split Ambridge in two – vowed to fight on
this week as it was revealed that planners’ assumptions could be completely
wrong.
Following a detailed study of local maps,
Christopher Perkins, reader in geography at Manchester University, has
concluded that the course of the River Am has moved substantially in recent
years and was ‘straightened out’ in the early 1990s.
‘It seems that the landscape of Ambridge
was not as fixed in previous years as it is now,’ said Mr Perkins. ‘There are
also significant landmarks, such as the Berrow Farm mega-dairy, the Ambridge
bypass and Arkwright Hall, that do not appear on any maps.’
‘This is excellent news,’ said Justin
Elliott of Damara Capital. ‘If the maps aren’t correct, we can just draw some
new ones and drive Route B right through!’
‘Typical planners!’ said Lynda Snell of the
SAVE campaign. ‘One blue line on the map looks just like another to them. Now
they’ll have to put Route B somewhere else!’
For more information on Academic analyses of life in rural
Borsetshire, visit http://www.caracourage.net/the-archers-fact/
