Sunday, 4 October 2015

Ruth loses her mum, Rob wins again and Lynda’s show goes on: a life-changing week in Ambridge


Leading local family in motorway tragedy

Police say they are treating as ‘not suspicious’ the death of an Ambridge farmer’s elderly mother at a motorway service station this week.
The body of Mrs Heather Pritchard, a widow, was found in Ruth Archer’s estate car when they stopped at Nottingham Services en route from Prudhoe, Northumberland, to Ambridge.
‘It wouldn’t be the first time that an old lady singing ‘Don’t dilly dally on the way’ for the entire length of the M1 has driven a family member over the edge, so we opened an investigation,’ said DC Jeff Wimbush of Nottinghamshire CID.
‘And the case was complicated by Mrs Ruth Archer, who insisted she had killed  her mother and implicated her whole family in the crime, although they were not present in the car at the time.
‘Mrs Archer said in her statement: “It was David pulled the rug from under me mam by not moving to Hexham, so she didn’t know if she was coming or going, and then the care home finished her off – it was only going to end one way. And now me mother-in-law can’t wait to get into the orthopaedic bed we ordered specially for me mam! We’ll all have to live with the guilt for the rest of our lives!”’
‘However, it was clear from medical reports that Mrs Pritchard had been seriously ill for some months, and died of a stroke at the scene. This was a tragic incident and our thoughts are with her family,’ said DC Wimbush.
The funeral will take place in Prudhoe and the Archer family has asked for privacy, especially from Jill Archer, who keeps turning up with roast chickens and unwanted platitudes.

Pharmacies warn of baby test shortage


Borchester pharmacies have had to order extra supplies of pregnancy tests after a mystery woman customer bought up their entire stocks in the last few days. ‘She kept coming in and buying more tests, asking if they were absolutely reliable,’ said one. ‘It was almost as though she didn’t want to believe the result  she was getting. “Accidents don’t happen to me,” she kept muttering.’
‘It was quite sad, really,’ commented another. ‘She was desperate to know if the test could tell her if she was having a boy or a girl. Of course, it can’t. But that hasn’t helped our stock situation. Borchester ladies who think they might be expecting will have to wait a day or two longer to find out!’

Ambridge cricket hero rues ‘Pyrrhic victory’  


Ambridge carried off the Borsetshire League Village Cricket Trophy last weekend – but not without a controversial incident that ripped the team apart, writes our special correspondent Charlie Thomas.
Tension between Adam Macy, Ambridge’s handsome, Corinthian captain, and cultured slogger Titchener R was already high over young Johnny Phillips’ crude sledging of Darrington’s opening batsmen. ‘Spare us the sermon,’ Titchener was heard to snarl as Adam gently remonstrated with Titchener’s protégé.  
The insult rolling off his broad, muscled shoulders, Adam played a masterly innings and did jolly well until he was run out, which could happen to anyone.
But anger erupted at a key point in the match as Titchener was declared not out by his father-in-law Tony Archer. Adam’s piercing blue eyes told him that Titchener had edged the ball to the keeper, and his keen sense of fair play prompted him to stop the game.
‘Come on Rob, let’s win the honourable way; do the decent thing and walk,’ he said, in a manly and inspiring manner.
But Titchener stood his ground, sneering: ‘Why not stick to growing wild flowers and leave the cricket to the real men?’ To boos and jeers from the crowd (are you sure? They loved it! Ed) he went on to play an ugly but effective innings, winning the match with a fluked six. ‘I’d rather have lost than win by cheating,’ said Adam in an exclusive post-match interview, as we sat in his tractor cab sharing a can of lager and… (that’s enough cricket. Ed). 

Kirsty’s return to Grey Gables: that job interview in full


Kathy Perks: What previous experience have you had that would apply to this job?
Kirsty Miller: When I was at Ambridge Organics, I had lots of experience stacking shelves, serving customers and managing the till. I love working in retail!
Roy Tucker: But, um, Kirsty, this role is about managing a spa. You know, the health spa?
Kirsty: Oh no – I thought you meant Spar, the supermarket. I wondered why you were setting up a branch in Grey Gables. I’m not qualified to manage a spa at all.
Kathy: Well never mind; we know you, and we need you back in Ambridge to save Helen from Rob. The job’s yours!
All: Hooray!

Rob, Toby and Rex to star in ’best ever’ Ambridge panto


Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell is delighted to announce that this year’s Christmas show will go ahead as usual. Elizabeth Pargetter of Lower Loxley has generously offered to host the event as the village hall will not be ready until 2019, now that Eddie Grundy is in charge of refurbishment.
‘Our Christmas show this year will be ‘Brothers Goose’ – an hilarious reworking of the traditional pantomime,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘It will star Toby and Rex Fairbrother in knockabout comedy routines as they desperately try to flog their geese in time for Christmas, upsetting Ian the Angry Chef and Jill the Disapproving Granny as they go.
'Carol Tregorran will be playing Yootha Nasia, the White Witch of the West (understudied by Jennifer Aldridge).
‘We will have not one but two pantomime villains: Hazel Woolley will reprise her role as the Wicked Fairy Landlady, who evicts the hapless Grundy family into the snow on Christmas Eve.
‘And of course Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Rob Titchener’s ‘Count Evil’. When his pregnant wife Helen puts sugar in his tea by mistake, he ties her to the railway tracks at Hollerton Junction. Will principal boy, Clever Kirsty, save her in time? It will be thrills, spills and something for all the family to enjoy!’


   




11 comments:

  1. Delightfully insightful as always!

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  2. Very entertaining, better than the real thing!

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  3. Genius and completely accurate. Thank you, Christine

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  4. Absolutely brilliant! Thank you for the laugh.

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  5. Absolutely brilliant! Thank you for the laugh.

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  6. Thanks for your lovely comments everyone! I'll give the reporters a slug of rum in their tea and an extra ginger biscuit (not one of Christine Barford's)

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  7. Now that's the kind of round up I enjoy! Many thanks for the smiles..

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  8. Fabulous. I hadn't even thought of Kirsty coming to Helen's aid - I suppose that's actually quite feasible. Loved, loved, loved the cricket write-up too. It's only a matter of time...

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